A Year of Transition

Drama...intrigue...career changes...heartache...adventure...love

Amazing year. I was thinking that nothing of substance happened to me this year- then I sat down to write this post. Boy, was I wrong! For my own good, I wanted to honor all of the significant moments of 2006.

Overview:

Left my lucrative job of seven years. That's right- I quit my job without having another job lined up. I discovered that money wasn't enough to make me happy, and once I decided that I couldn't be happy at that job- there were no second thoughts.

Attended a powerful weekend with a group called "Women Within". It's incredibly hard to describe, but I guess the best way is to say that it helped me to get in touch with who I am and what I want out of life.

Started an activity group for women over 35 in the DC area. There are almost 200 members, about 1/4 of which are active. Although the group is quiet at the moment, we've had a lot of fun this year. And I've made some really good friends from this group: J, M, D, B, L, to name a few.

Went to Italy. My first trip out of the country! Yes- I was long overdue. I went to Florence, Pisa, Venice, and several small towns in Tuscany. Absolutely beautiful. And it whet my appetite for international travel.

Joined a national organization for women business owners. I have met so many inspiring and amazing women. My vision for my professional future has begun to take shape as a result of this group.

Launched my own business. Attended seminars, read a lot of books, became quite the networker. My eyes are wide open to possibilities.

Participated in the 48 hour film festival as an actor. It reminded me that I do love acting, and the process of working on a creative project. The experience tells me that I have to find an outlet for my creativity.

Landed my first major client. My work with them has resulted in the best fourth quarter they have ever had! They have since given me two referrals.

Went on a fun camping trip with a bunch of women. It always surprises me that I love the outdoors so much (those that know me are surprised to find out I'm a "camping kind of girl").

Witnessed the birth of my best friend's son. Miraculous. Beautiful. Intense. It touched my soul.

Spent some joyful time with my nephews and niece. The connection I feel to them, even if I don't see them often, is powerful.

Started this blog. Another surprise. I am truly enjoying this interactive conversation I'm having with people I've never met. It seems to fit quite well with the transition I am in.

Said goodbye to a Great Love. In reality, the goodbye took about a year and 2800 miles to accomplish. Though this Great Love has been accurately described as "odd and incomplete"...and though I'm not happy about losing it...I am profoundly grateful that I have had love in my life.

Turned 40. Preparing for this forced me to take a look at myself in ways I haven't in the past. It forced me to let go of certain things. And by the time the actual birthday took place- I felt great: young, sexy, and fabulous.

Enjoyed the holidays with my family. I'm just glad I can say that.

And today, I'm preparing to host a party with some good friends. Lots of food, champagne, and real connection.

Looking ahead to 2007...I don't really want to have a "to-do" list. And I'm worried that having hopes for the year leads to expectations which could lead to disappointment.

Having said that, perhaps I can just "throw some wishes" out into the universe? :) Hell, yeah, that's what I'll do...My wishes:

...to strengthen my relationships with my family
...that my business continues to build momentum, and starts to take on a more defined shape
...to find my partner, a Great Love, that will stick this time

Happy New Year! Here's to an awesome 2007!

What the Heck is Going On?

There is something in the air. It feels weird. Like a dream with disjointed images and actions that give it that nightmarish feeling.

Holiday cheer, right?... The smiles on children's faces?... Santa Claus?...Father of Soul, dead?...The loss of former President?...The optimism of a New Year?...Parties? Music?...The hanging of powerful murderer?...

My day was spent being productive. I finished off some accounting work for my business and pulled together my paperwork in preparation for tax time. I cleaned. I organized. The positive flow of my day was interrupted by images of Saddam. Reports of hanging. The internet making the "three connection"...linking Ford, Brown, and Hussein over and over again.

How can a feeling of optimism be mixed with an actual feeling of queasiness?

I was at Balducci's, shopping for the New Year's Eve party I am hosting. As I came out of the store, I noticed the street was being blocked off by dozens of policemen. Apparently, President Ford's motorcade was going to be coming through on his way to the World War Memorial. I loaded up my bags of pies, chips, cheese, wine and champagne, and then waited for the motorcade to drive by.

I hope this feeling is gone by tomorrow.

It's Oh-so-simple, isn't it?

I heard an interesting line the other day:

"The best way to get over someone is to get under someone new."

No comment from me on this one.

Identity, part I

i·den·ti·ty (ahy-den-ti-tee) n.

1. The set of behavioral or personal characteristics by which an individual is recognizable as a member of a group.
2. The distinct personality of an individual regarded as a persisting entity; individuality.


On Christmas Eve, my extended family gathered to celebrate at my grandmother's house. It was fun to see everyone, some of the relatives are people I generally only see on holidays or family functions. The house was filled with aunts, uncles, cousins, plenty of children of various ages, and my 85 year old (going on 50) grandmother, the Matriarch.

As we greeted loved ones that we haven't seen in awhile, the usual pleasantries were exchanged: "How have you been?" Everyone asked me about my business...I answered positively yet vaguely. My Aunt probed further until I gave more details. At one point I observed my Uncle J ask my brother "How is work going?" My brother was pretty neutral in his response (his work is going well, but I suspect he just didn't want to discuss it). Laughingly, Uncle J said "We men have to ask each other about work- it's our identity."

I interjected "That's really sad."

At that point, it became a conversation that involved about five or six of us. When my brother (chemical engineer) and my uncle (very successful stock broker) looked at me, I elaborated "Don't you think it's sad that men have to define themselves by work?" Of course I didn't stop there. "And women are defined by the children they have. That's their identity." Clearly, I wasn't thinking ahead- I was heading into murky waters.

My Aunt L (proud mother of two, and a successful technical writer- which we never discuss) says "It can be."

My sister-in-law, K (stay at home mother of two), disagrees vehemently "That's not true at all!"

When I tried to convince her otherwise, she still strongly held her position.

My brother says "Well, then what should it be? What's your identity?"

Oooops!!!!! He caught me. Unprepared. I had no idea how to respond. All I said (I swear with no bitterness or regret or anything) was "Well it's not the number of children I've produced."

Slightly awkward silence.

I was surprised to see my comment made others uncomfortable. Always jovial Uncle J says..."Wow we're getting heavy for Christmas Eve!" And the conversation quickly turned to other more superficial topics.

Less than five minutes later, I overheard my sister in law, K say to my Aunt L "I meant to tell you congratulations!"

"For what?"

"For Karen's wedding! And Jim getting a job at Goldman Sachs! Wow!"

Do I even need to say that Karen and Jim are Aunt L's children?

The entire exchange got me thinking.

Where a kid can be a kid

I decided against buying toys for the nephews and niece this year. They have everything you can imagine (and then some). They seem to lose interest in a toy less than 5 minutes after receiving it.

So...for Christmas I thought it would be fun to treat them to an afternoon with their aunt instead! I took them to Chuck E. Cheese's first, then topped it off with a visit to Friendly's for some ice cream.

The outing took 5 hours! I'm not complaining (we had a blast), I'm just surprised it took so long. I had three of my six nephews/niece with me. A 3 year old, a 6 year old, and an 8 year old. The toughest part was keeping them all together. Actually- that turned out to be impossible. I just kept strategically placing myself so I could see the three of them at all times. I also figured out that I should only give them 2 tokens at a time...that way I was making it necessary for them to seek me out and come back to me every 10 minutes or so. It was fun seeing them enjoy themselves...playing "skeetball", video games, virtual roller coasters...climbing in the "climbing tunnels"...playing "tv star" on the video screeens. I knew it was time to go when they started playing "tag" all around the perimeter...not exactly an activity that is made for Chuck E. Cheese.

Now- I am exhausted! Taking care of little human beings is a very draining task. But I have to admit, it was wonderful to spend 5 hours devoted 100% to the well being of others. I did not think of myself, my needs, my life, my stresses...for even one brief second.

Turns out my Christmas present to them was an even bigger gift to myself. :)

Happy Holidays everyone!

Defender of the Faith

...OK...maybe not. But I couldn't help but to use this title since this post is in direct response to the recent anti-holiday tirade a fellow blogger has been on lately.

Granted, he has some very valid points. I don't believe that religious messages or stories should be forced on anyone. I also believe that there should be a full separation of Church and State. No local, state or federal agency should have Christmas decorations, or Hanukkah decorations, or any other religious holiday decorations for that matter.

I was raised Catholic and raised with Christmas. I've always loved the holiday season, and I've loved the traditions. However, it never felt like a religious holiday to me. We never paused in our gift giving around the tree to say "Let's take a moment and celebrate the fact that the Son of God was born today!" Nope. We might have gone to midnight mass a couple times, but it was more out of duty then of any real observation. Even the "Nativity Story" seemed like just a really good story. In fact, probably 99.5% of the people I knew had the same sort of feelings about the holidays. (And it's not that I wasn't taught about my religion- I went to "church school" all my life, and attended Catholic high school).

So what do I love about Christmas?

- the decorations. The lights...decorating the tree. I love the way my home takes on an entirely different look and feel when it's all "done up" with lights and candles. My mother has given me a Christmas ornament each year since my early teens...so my tree is like a tree of memories.

-singing carols. In high school, I was a member of our chorus and we used to travel and perform various Christmas carols. It was fun. It's a great memory. And I still love hearing "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire..." (The Christmas song)

-yeah, I admit it, the presents! Nowadays, I like the buying more than the receiving. I like to get creative and try to figure out something fun and unique to get those I love. When I'm in a relationship, I love exchanging gifts with my s.o. Gives me a chance to do something really nice for him.

-the Santa story. I remember the excitement as a child on Christmas morning. I remember trying to hear the reindeer on Christmas eve. Now I love to see the wonder and the anticipation on my nephews and niece's faces.

There's more...but you get the idea.

Here's the rub: I'm no longer Catholic. I'm no longer Christian. And I still love the holiday season. I am sorry that other children felt "left out", because as I said, the best parts about the holiday (especially for kids) have absolutely nothing to do with Christ.

Isn't it interesting that the Christians' two biggest holidays, the birth of Christ and the resurrection of Christ, are totally eclipsed by two secular holiday traditions- Santa Claus and the Easter bunny? I'm sure if I wasn't so lazy at the moment I could research the reasons behind it.

It almost feels like a well-calculated campaign. By giving the holidays fun "mascots" they have managed to ensure that these holidays will have mass appeal in spite of a person's religious beliefs. I'm sure that if celebrating Christ's birth only consisted of some sort of birthday cake, this holiday wouldn't have the widespread visibility it currently has.

Fortunately or unfortunately, Christmas (and Easter for that matter) have become just a more hyped up version of 4th of July, Superbowl Sunday, or Thanksgiving. But in this case- certain sections of the population aren't allowed to enjoy the festivities since it implies support for beliefs they don't have.

I guess technically, I'm now a member of that section of the population. Too bad- I'm celebrating anyway. For me, it's about love, children, music, and family.

Ode to Men

Maybe Matthew M. isn’t quite “Everyman”, but he certainly is a culmination of all that’s right with the rougher sex. (No, I said the rougher sex…you know, the opposite of the “fairer” sex?)

Anyway, I’m feeling a bit generous at the moment and I felt like reminding myself (and my 3 readers) of everything I love about men.

I love…

…the fact that men can get together with other men and simply “be”. They are experts at living in the moment. No super deep, analytical, romantically-focused conversations needed.

…the way they are able to play the same video game for hours on end- with such focus and concentration- and have a BLAST doing it!

…the boyish spirit they all seem to possess. If you look at them closely in the eye, you can see the 9 year old that once built a fort in the woods behind their house.

…their healthy attitudes towards love and relationships. They expect a romantic relationship to enrich their life, not be their life.

…their physical strength. I find a man carrying my bags to be oh-so-sexy.

…that no matter how old they get, they still collect toys.

…their general inability to multi-task. This usually results in giving 100% attention to one thing at a time. And if that “thing” happens to be me- all the better!

…deep, smooth voices. There’s nothing better than a good phone voice on a man.

…how they are with babies and dogs. So gentle, so loving, so strong.

…chivalry. Those select few that “get it”. Opening doors, holding out chairs…makes me feel special.

…the effort they exude when they are in the dating phase. It is touching to know that someone is putting in effort to please. It makes me feel appreciative, and honored. Even knowing that their intentions are not always pure does not diminish this for me.

…that they don’t have to or want to talk about their feelings all the time. Personally, I prefer to keep that subject to only the necessary minimum.

…that it’s relatively simple to see if you are making a man happy. You can see it on his face, in his eyes, and in his actions.

Anything to add?

The Upside of Anger

My anger serves me. At times, it has propelled me to action. It has provided me with clarity. It has helped raise me out of a state of depression.

It also helps me to deal with loss. When I'm in the midst of sadness, uncertainty, hurt, etc., I know I'm turning a corner when I begin to feel the signs of anger. At a person, at a situation...doesn't matter. Sometimes it empowers me- gives me confidence.

At the moment, I'm dealing with a low level of anger. Sort of brewing beneath the surface. It's specific and it's focused. I am angry about a current situation I am in. I am angry at the other(s) that caused this situation. Of course, this probably includes me. But at the moment, my anger is not aimed inward and that is probably for the best right now.

I am angry at the fact that someone else's cowardice is contributing to my current state of unhappiness. Have you ever had someone you care about upset about the same thing over and over again, all the while not doing anything to change their situation? Or even admitting that anything needs to be done? Typically, if I find myself in this position, I do my best to be supportive, to make suggestions if asked, and to be as patient as possible. In this situation- I have done that, many times...but in this case the lack of action not only breaks my heart because I have to watch a loved one hurting, but it's making me angry because it has a direct and full impact on me and my life.

Perhaps this makes me sound a bit self-centered. Trust me when I say that in these circumstances, a bit of self-centeredness is long overdue. I just want to shout "DAMN IT! THE ANSWER IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE! NOW DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!"

The Single Woman's Conundrum

I enjoy my life as a single woman. It is fulfilling and fun. I have great friends, a family that is dysfunctional but loves me, a good amount of career success, a beautiful home. My life is pure freedom- I set the pace, set the stage, take the action. If I want to.

What I don't like is how the rest of the world views single women. I don't like being considered a failure. Being considered "incomplete". This world is designed for couples and families (the holiday season is a fantastic example of that). Unfortunately, it gets worse as we get older. I must admit, my relatives no longer ask me if there is a man in my life, they no longer say things like "someday when you get married.." You would think that I would be relieved at their silence. But I sense their pity- which is worse, believe me.

I don't like the stereotypes associated with single women: desperate, lonely, bitter, man-haters. I hate the fact that single men are envied ("Look at his freedom!", "What a bachelor!") Not all single women I know sense the negative messages. Some say "It's much more acceptable these days". Acceptable? I read magazine articles about the various types of paths women choose for their lives...attempts at giving them equal validity (usually with a somewhat defensive undertone). Women that choose to never marry, that choose to do great things in their career instead, or to help the world in other ways. I admire these women- and I am glad that they are impacting the world and rewriting the program.

But holiday parties are still designed primarily for couples. Let's not even talk about New Year's Eve. Try buying a house and seeing "Single Woman" stamped in several places on your mortgage paperwork. Of course the financial advantages for couples are extensive. Expectations of single women in the workplace are different than those of their married counterparts.

On the dating scene, I can't tell you how many times I've had to answer the question "So how come you've never been married?" Since I'm not unattractive or unintelligent, the assumption is that there is something else "wrong". The cliche that I deal with is that I'm somehow a psycho in relationships...or way too picky...or bad in bed...or something.

I have close friends that say "You try too hard, stop looking and it will happen." I have close friends that say "You're not trying hard enough- if you really wanted it, you'd make it happen." These are people that know me very, very well. But the unspoken implication is that my singleness is a result of something I have done, or have failed to do. When my singleness just is.

So what's my conundrum? I'm getting to that.

I detest the stereotypes that exist for single women (especially as they get older). I feel compelled to make a difference. I feel compelled to send the strong message: Being single isn't a failure. A woman does not need a man in order to be valuable. A woman can have a full, rich life as a single woman. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her. She is just as happy as you are.

Here's the conundrum: How do I tell the world to shut up and accept me as I am, when in reality I desire the exact things the world tells me I should desire?

That's right. I want a partner in my life. It is the strongest desire I have- and it always has been. I want to build a life with a man. I want a family- even if it's just he and I. I feel I'm too old to have my primary relationship role that of "daughter". I want to have new adventures as part of a team. I want to travel with someone I love. I want someone to share the grocery shopping with.

I don't do the best job with my "two faced" approach. I think that when I put on my "Look at me! I'm a happy, well adjusted single woman that loves my life!" face (which is true)...there is a hint of the other side of me that is sad about the void in my life. So how do I affect change in the world, help change the role of single women in the world, and yet remain true to myself and my own thoughts, feelings, and desires?

What the??

Some of the odd things that appeared in my dreams last night:

cheerleading
shish kebabs
online tutoring
chicken pot pie
Timmy Gieselman (my first school girl crush)
a giant storm trooper

I just woke up and I'm exhausted!

This cracks me up!!!

Every time I see it... :)


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-d2gGe76CC0

How can this be??

Mel Gibson's movie was the number one movie this weekend?! What does this mean? What does this say about us? At best, he's a drunken idiot with poor judgement...at worst, he's a hateful racist. What does this say about us? Because it's a "creative endeavor", does that give us a pass to separate the creation from the creator? Do we really still care about Mel's creative vision?

Yesterday, I went to see Shut up and Sing...the documentary about what the Dixie Chicks went through a couple years ago. I was surprised at the extreme backlash as a result of one off-handed joke about the President. Natalie, the lead singer, even received a detailed death threat in Dallas, Texas. Radio stations across the country refused to play their songs. Country music fans held CD burning parties.

So it's OK to spew anti-Semitic garbage, but it's not OK to bash the President? Or maybe movie fans that would be drawn to a movie like Apocalypto are more forgiving than country music fans? I just don't get it.

Christmas in the City

There really is nothing like Christmas in New York City. The electricity in the air. The crisp coldness. The lights, the decorations. The crowds in front of the Macy's windows. The tree and the ice skating in Rockefeller center. I wasn't in the holiday spirit at all when I arrived in Manhattan at the beginning of the week. But now I'm ready for the carols and the shopping! Bring it on!

Say What You Mean

Several weeks ago, I wrote about the "knot" in the pit of my stomach...wondering what caused it. One answer has occurred to me: holding my feelings in and not expressing what I feel.

Of course, when one question is answered, another question appears! So now I wonder...Why is it so difficult for me to express my feelings?

Now, it may be easier to understand why I can't express feelings of anger. I think a lot of people are the same way- anything to avoid conflict! But I also have a tough time letting people know when I'm hurt. Even positive, joyful feelings get muted...I am an "I love you" kind of girl only if my partner is very expressive.

It's not that I can't articulate my feelings. I can pinpoint exactly how I feel, and what I "wish" I could say when speaking to a third party. Also- if the other person initiates the conversation, I'm usually fine and can get my point across pretty thoroughly. It's starting the conversation that's difficult.

As I think back, I can remember moments as a child when I was feeling unhappy. I would send my mother as many non-verbal cues as possible. Stomping around the house, talking back, isolating myself. Sometimes I would go to my room and cry and try to make it just loud enough for my mom to hear. Inevitably, she would come to me and say "What's wrong?" And I would yell a resounding "Nothing!!!" I was secretly hoping she would probe further, but she never did. I began to suspect she didn't really want to know the answer to her question.

I used to have the same communication problem at work, but I overcame it years ago. In my line of work, it was necessary for success. I have to be able to give people feedback...Now I can give constructive feedback on any number of sensitive issues. I've given feedback about personal hygiene, personality traits, performance, personal "image"...you name it. And I've become so good at it, that it's always well received. I have actually terminated people who have thanked me at the end of the conversation. It was my desire to succeed professionally that pushed me to conquer my fears.

I am not making any progress in improving my communication skills in my personal life. In fact, I currently have unexpressed feelings with four people in my life: a family member, a friend, and two very good friends. Instances where my feelings were hurt, or I was angered, or had emotions that were dying to come out.

So guess what happens? As these instances occur, I try to figure out how to handle it. I figure out what I want to say. And I know I am being an unhealthy non-communicator. So I promise myself I'm going to address the issue with the person. Sometimes I write a letter as practice. I think about "conversation-starters" about how to broach the subject. Then I don't do it.

So then I feel guilty.

Now I'm actually left with a "laundry list" of "issues to address". Who needs that?

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

Oh- and here's some irony for you...In college, my major was Theatre with a minor in Communications. :)

It's deja vu all over again

The movie with Denzel? Implausible yet entertaining. Real life actual deja vu? A bit disconcerting...

Last week, I wrote a blog post about dreams. One of the dreams featured apartments in New York City. The one I referred to with "multiple levels and an elevator"...it also had a back staircase leading to the lobby.

Yesterday I checked into my hotel in Manhattan. My room is tucked away in the back on the 2nd floor. And right next to my door (where it seems out of place) is a staircase extremely similar to the one I dreamt about. It even has marble steps and iron rails. It made me nervous because in my dream the elevator/staircase access had me concerned about safety.

You are so beautiful...

I had dinner with a girlfriend a few nights ago. "Lucy" and I hadn't seen each other in a few months, so we had a lot to catch up on. Apparently, she had experienced some heartache.

She had met a man online, and they got along very well. "Victor" was proving to be different from many of her other online dates. He wanted to spend time with her, he showered her with attention and interest. He sent her flowers and candy. He complimented her and treated her well- calling when he said he would, putting time and energy into planning dates. Always a gentleman and very caring.

Lucy liked Victor and was enjoying his company. There was a part of her that was a bit suspicious or cynical: "Is this too good to be true? Or is this how it's supposed to be?" Her therapist encouraged her to be open to the good things that were happening- and not to be jaded by any past hurt. So Lucy relaxed and enjoyed how things were going.

Lucy was taking it slow sexually as she prefers to do. It took more than a month into the relationship before she decided she was ready to sleep with him. The sex itself does not sound like it was a good experience: Victor was very crude, a little rough, and not gentle or caring in the least. He left immediately afterwards.

She never heard from him again. No call. No email. Nothing. Of course, she left him a couple messages and he didn't return them. She was hurt, embarrassed, ashamed. I could feel her hurt, and I began to feel anger.

My first thought was that this man was evil. That it was an extreme example of the worst side of dating behavior. But unfortunately, I've heard stories like this over and over again. And unfortunately, I've experienced something similar myself.

Another girlfriend of ours, "Julie" was saying that it's just how men are wired. And instead of being outraged, we should just accept that and learn to deal with it in a way that will prevent us from being hurt. She says she has starting to view the world differently: in a basic, animalistic sort of way. Men want to have sex with as many women as possible, they will go through whatever motions necessary to get to that point.

I understand what she was saying, and there is a small amount of truth to it. But I can't accept it completely...we are more evolved than that. I can't believe that men in general just want to have sex no matter what the consequences- no matter who they hurt.

What's confusing to me is that I'm sure there are plenty of women that are looking for something casual...a friend that can be a sex partner. So why did Victor have the need to put so much time and energy into a woman that was clearly looking for more? I'm sure that if Victor was truthful about what he was looking for, he would find someone that was willing to give that to him. Was the thrill of the "conquer" that important that he didn't care how hurtful or wrong it was? Did it make the sex better for him?

What angers me is that now Lucy is left once again doubting her judgement, and not trusting men. How is she supposed to put that aside the next time she meets an actual nice guy? The next time someone brings her flowers, or tells her how beautiful she is...how can she keep her heart open and trusting enough to enjoy those beautiful moments?

Sit Still

I'm getting antsy. My mind has started to wander to thoughts of moving. I've lived in this area for over 7 years- the longest I've lived in one place my entire adult life. When I look back, I can see that sometimes my desire to move to a new place results from the fact that I'm not comfortable with inactivity in my life. There were moves I made to follow a new opportunity, or to have a new adventure. But there were also moves that were strictly running away.

I suspect that my restless feelings and my desire for new surroundings is not 100% genuine. I think it comes from the odd emotional state I'm in. I'm not good at "sitting with my feelings". I'm good at pushing them aside, I'm good at letting it roll off my back, and I'm really good at denial. But not good at simply dealing with it.

This time I'm going to be still. I'm going to be sad. I'm going to acknowledge the void I feel- and not rush to fill it. I will journal about the details of what I am experiencing. I will spend some more time outdoors. I will exercise. I will stay connected to friends. This isn't the time for me to do the tough work. This is my recovery time.