The Rules for Rebound Relationships

Apparently, when someone is getting over a love and moving on with their life, part of the process includes "getting back out there". There also seems to be a well known fact that any relationship that comes immediately after a love relationship is considered a "rebound relationship". And rebound relationships don't last. They are meant for fun and for healing.

So in light of all this, would it make sense to hurry up and have a rebound relationship, rush through it, end it, so you can move on to what could be a lifelong love with someone else? I say this partly in jest, of course. But it does make a little bit of crazy sense if you think about it. In some ways it would be like a cleansing: mind, body and spirit.

If I was a "rules" kind of gal, these would be the rules I would follow for a rebound relationship:

1. Choose someone you are insanely attracted to. The physical attraction/chemistry has to be strong enough to completely wipe out any traces of your ex.

2. Choose someone that has one of your deal-breaker traits. Whatever that may be. Maybe they are a smoker. Maybe they have children. Whatever would keep them from being "marriage material" for you.

3. A rebound relationship has to be full of frivolous fun. Lots of activity, adventure and keeping busy. No drama, no conflicts, no "struggling to make it work". Typically because of #2 above, you probably won't struggle to make it work anyway.

4. No sleepovers. Keep away from any scenario that starts to feel domestic. Breakfast together, grocery shopping, household chores, all start to feel like a real relationship. And remember- you're not ready for that.

5. No family meetings. Don't meet theirs. Don't introduce them to yours. Friends are OK though.

Years ago, I once took a six month self-proclaimed "sabbatical". No focus on finding a relationship / mate for six whole months. Ironically, I ended up dating someone for almost that entire time. We were never suited as a long term thing. But I didn't spend even one second worrying about that. Or thinking about the future. I had given myself permission to relax for six months. And I was amazingly happy. (Yes- I know there is a lesson in there.)

But I'm curious- does a rebound relationship ever turn into the "real thing"?

Balance

I am a facilitator for a women's entrepreneur peer group. Yesterday, we had our 2006 "wrap up" meeting. The purpose was to do one final review of 2006 accomplishments and to set goals for 2007.

Part of the exercise involved reviewing the various areas of our lives and how they are going. These women like to (need to) talk about personal as well as business issues. They all own multi-million dollar companies and do not have too many opportunities to share and connect with others on a "real" level.

I've talked about wheel-of-life type exercises before. Specifically, I've talked about how sick and tired I am of analyzing and re-analyzing my life. I would find it refreshing to take care of someone else for a change.

Yesterday, I had a peek into the lives of women in very different places. Most of these uber-successful women have husbands and family. (Only one was single, and only one of the married women did not have children.) As we went around the table, I felt sorry for them. The exact sentiment that I have been afraid that others have towards me.

Here are some of the comments made:

"I had to rank friendships a 'zero' because I no longer have any significant friends that are mine."

"I've been in a funk for months and I have no 'juice' left." (When the group suggested that she make herself more of a priority, she responded "I can't right now, but I think by June I can start taking care of myself again.")

"Personal development, friendship, and health- there's just nothing going on there. I don't know where to find the time."

"If I take even an hour for myself, I literally am paralyzed about what to do. It doesn't feel good."

My heart went out to these women. Technically, these women are the perfect examples of what women are supposed to be. They are the poster children for "having it all". And they sounded drained. And unhappy.

I actually wished I could donate some of the time and energy that I have to spare, so they can take care of themselves better.

There was one woman that seems to be doing well... She shared with the group that she has pulled back on her hours at work (she only works 32 hours per week), schedules date time with her husband, and she's striving for more balance this year. But she still hasn't figured out how to drop the 20 lbs she's had to lose since her last child was born.

I guess the whole moral to my story is that "everyone has their 'stuff' they are dealing with". Even though at times I wish I could trade my 'stuff' with someone else's, I do appreciate the good things I have. I have never believed that there is anything someone can accomplish to be happy (whether it's the perfect job, home, body, husband, family, etc. etc.) Happiness is deeper than that.

I do wish that we could somehow help each other out with the areas of our lives that feel deficient. For example: if I could give these women the joy I get from my friendships, the personal growth I get from being able to put myself first...and they could give me the joy they get from their families and husbands. Wouldn't it be nice if we could "pool our joy"? Or maybe we can?

I'm a lousy friend sometimes

I skipped a friend's baby shower last weekend. It's true that I had a cold and didn't feel that well, but I could have gone.

My reasons were 100% selfish. I find showers to be painful. So much so that if I get married or have a baby, I suspect I will not want a shower as it will remind me of the pain of the past.

I want to celebrate the joy that's experienced by those I love and care for, I really do. And if it involves someone that I am very close to, I will usually "suck it up" and do what it takes for the other person. But not all the time.

I had already decided that I would buy the gift online- in order to avoid actually having to go to "Babies R Us". (On a somewhat related note- I once had a boyfriend that said that since I love babies so much, I should look into a career at a place like "Babies R Us". Which just confirmed for me that men have no inkling how painful the biological clock can be.)

How do I adequately explain my selfish reaction? Not sure I can. All I can say is that my emotions on this particular subject are pretty raw at the moment, so attending a function where the focus is on pregnancy and labor and babies, is like getting a fresh wound infected.

Nevertheless, I was going to "do the right thing" and go. But then the clincher. I received an email from the organizer. There was mention of "playing games"...and she asked us to bring plenty of dimes and quarters. Apparently, she purchased an "adorable little piggy bank" and every time one of us says the word "baby", we have to put a coin in the piggy bank. Ugh. I had forgotten about all the shower "rituals". Probably designed because at one time, women that were having showers were still in their teens. I was suddenly filled with such dread that I knew I had to stay home.

I'm not looking for validation, or forgiveness or pity. I don't feel guilty that I didn't go. But I do feel guilty that I don't feel guilty.

ps...As I've mentioned in previous posts, I have several nephews and a niece that I love very much. I was also honored to be present at the birth of a very close friend's son...whom I also consider a nephew. Spending time with these babies does not have a negative effect on me...it's quite the opposite, as I consider it nourishment for my soul. It's this odd ritual of showers that seems to hurt for some reason.

Strength

The other day, a friend was telling me that she thinks I am very strong. She described it as a "strong character". I was flattered, it was nice of her to say so. I've heard this comment many times in my life. It's a trait I have been reasonably proud of.

But what is strength?

When people have told me I am strong, it's been for different reasons. Sometimes, it has been due to how I have handled severe tragedy. Other times, I think they mean "independent" instead of strong. Or they mean "resilient", "persistent", or downright "tough". I have had mentors describe my level of "competence" in terms of strength.

I often think of my grandmother as strong. And it's usually because of all of the above reasons. I've admired her strength.

At times, my "strength" feels like a burden. It feels like a mask. My ability to repress negative emotions and my comfort with denial has often been mistakenly categorized as strength. Often I feel more is expected of me. I can handle more hardship. I've even put this expectation on myself. I recall a conversation I had with my brother about our youngest brother. I mentioned that if one of us is supposed to live life without a partner, I hope it's me, because he's not strong enough to handle that. Huh? I'm usually not such a martyr-type, believe me.

Religious people often say something along the lines of "God doesn't give us more difficulty than we can handle". So what does that mean for us "strong people"?

What happens when we get tired? I think that's where I am. I'm tired of being strong. It's quite exhausting, after all. When I go for a massage, the therapist often comments "wow, you have knots in your shoulders". Perhaps it's all the weight they carry. My shoulders are tired too.

On rare occasions, I am able to make myself vulnerable. To open up, to let someone in. To show weakness, to be weak. To allow someone else to have the upper hand. Often that other person takes advantage and I end up hurt. In fact, that's what happens most of the time. Yet, I still feel that a key to establishing deeper connections with those I love requires me to be vulnerable.

So what does it mean to be strong? And how does one keep the right balance?

Crush

I think my client has a crush on me.

He appears nervous around me. He looks at me a bit too intently. Last week, at his company's holiday party, he spent way too much time talking to me. (It's his company and about 40 of his employees were there to 'schmooze'.)

Now, this is inappropriate for a number of reasons:

1. He's my client.

2. He's more than 20 years older than me.

3. He's married.

I am very uncomfortable with his attention. It gives me an "icky" feeling. I do my best to ignore it, and of course remain professional. But it probably does affect my interaction with him. I am much more communicative with other clients. I take them to lunch or sometimes dinner. Not this guy. It would feel too weird.

It's not even that I think he would make some kind of move on me. I'm quite confident he wouldn't. He doesn't seem to be the cheating type; he strikes me as being very professional and gentlemanly.

It's just that in general, I really hate it when someone is attracted to me when I don't feel the same way. I'm not sure why it bothers me so much. But it does.

But here's the kicker:

I have a crush on one of my client's employees.

I feel like such a hypocrite!

I have to spend a decent amount of time in one-on-one coaching sessions with this guy. I find my crush amusing. Though it is equally inappropriate:

1. He's my client's employee.

2. He's about 10-14 years younger than me.

3. He has a live-in girlfriend.

What I find amusing about my interactions with this young man is that it appears that he senses some sort of "something". (Trust me- I do not do or say anything to give away my attraction. My acting abilities make me oh-so-skilled at hiding things.)

He also appears nervous around me. But in a male-nervous-laughter kind of way. He also does the classic "looking several inches below my eyes when he thinks I won't notice" thing. When I catch him sneaking looks at me, I find it funny. And cute.

It's only the interaction that is fun and entertaining. I would never get involved with this guy. He has a girlfriend, for one thing. He's much too young for my taste, and I'm not really physically attracted to him, or to his personality type.

But in reality, he's not acting much differently than his much-older boss. Yet, I have a drastically different reaction to it. Why does the attention of the older guy feel almost like an insult, yet the reactions of the younger guy feel like a nice compliment? This awareness makes me a little sad because I want to tell myself that age doesn't matter. But I guess it does.

Oh. My. God.

I finally went to see Dreamgirls.

Amazing.

I could barely sit still in my seat. I had to hold on tight to the armrests to keep from jumping to my feet.

Powerful voices like that hit me in the solar plexus. Jennifer and Beyonce's voices can't be explained, they must be experienced.

The audience in the movie theater actually applauded at the end. And applauded again when Jennifer Hudson's name appeared in the credits.

Must. Get. Soundtrack.

Sign me up, I'm one of the good guys

I'm not very politically savvy. I'm intimidated by the complexity of the middle east and its history. I don't watch the news very often or keep myself debriefed on what is happening in the world. I think it's because I find it all overwhelming- I never seem to be able to scratch the surface of understanding all the details.

But I know enough to be able to recognize when something (or someone) is going against my values. That is how I felt while listening to the President speak tonight. I listened to the entire speech because I was too dumbfounded to turn it off.

It's always been blatantly obvious to me that Bush and his team are master manipulators. So much so that I often think to myself "Ha! How stupid do they think we are? Did they really think we would fall for that?" Then to my dismay...we do. At least, we have.

The most recent example of this has been his switch from the "stay the course" to "change the course" mantra. After the election, I wondered what would happen once WB no longer had carte blanche. It was reassuring to see the nation send the message that we are through with Iraq. Then it was reassuring to see the panel of experts send WB the same message. I was shocked yet not shocked that WB's response to it has been a subtle change of semantics.

So what's the difference between "Stay the Course! Keep sending more troops!" and "Change the Course! Send more troops!" ??? Please help me understand this. Am I missing something here?

I have to say though, I was relieved to see Bush nervous at both the beginning and ending of his speech. Did you notice the ragged breaths he was taking between sentences? He seemed more sure of himself in the middle. I wonder what all the nervousness was about.

His manipulative fear tactics are insulting. "For the safety of our people, we must succeed in Iraq" Huh? His use of the words "murderers" and "killers" and "enemies". I had to ask myself- who is the enemy, again? I'm confused. The only way he referred to this "enemy" was in the repeated use of the term "The Terrorists". "Success in Iraq will be a blow to The Terrorists". Oh...and yes, he made sure to remind us that there's a major Al-Quaeda hangout in Iraq as well.

I almost laughed in shock as he said "This is the decisive ideological struggle of our time. On the one side are those that believe in freedom and moderation and on the other side are extremists who kill the innocent." Wow. Really? Sign me up, then. Who wouldn't be on board with a good vs. evil battle?

And this statement..."if we pull back now, massive killings will take place." Geesh. Well I certainly don't want that to happen. I guess we better carry on, then. So no more massive killings take place.

The most deplorable sentiment of the evening: "We mourn the loss of every American. We owe it to them to build a future worthy of their sacrifice."

Shame on you WB. How dare you use the loss of those young lives as justification to lose more.

My Guilty Pleasure

Last week, Grad School Reject asked us about our guilty pleasures. I didn't comment because no one guilty pleasure came to mind (I actually think I have several!)

But clearly, reality TV, is near the top of my list.

Yes, that's right. I'm a reality TV fan. Amateur talent shows? (American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, Dancing with the Stars...) Love 'em! Social experiments? (Big Brother) Awesome. Challenge shows? (The Apprentice) Keeps me curious.

Yeah, yeah, I know. Uninspired. Unintelligent. Unoriginal.

Too bad! I enjoy them for different reasons. As a former performer, I love the talent shows because I've always felt I was skilled at recognizing talent. The social experiments interest me because I'm very interested in the dynamics of interpersonal relationships.

And the Apprentice?

Because I know I could kick their asses! I like the challenges in business and this show is kind of like "flexing my muscles" a bit as I watch.

It's a good thing that reality shows weren't popular during my acting days in my 20's. I would have been all over it! (And I'm sure it's for the best that I didn't do that! While I love attention- I don't have a thick enough skin for the embarrassment or humiliation that often occurs.)

MTV's Real World came out one year after some actor friends and I developed our own "reality show" called "501 Blues". (Named after our address: 501 W 47 St in NYC, and the name of a popular blue jean at the time...) It wasn't a reality show technically...what we did was tape record conversations and situations that we were in, then wrote a script based on those real-life conversations.

But the concept was similar. In typical self-absorbed young actress fashion, we determined that our lives, our thoughts, our experiences, were interesting enough to entertain someone! I guess that's what goes through the minds of all those people that audition for the endless number of reality shows. And some of them are right. And I thank them for the distraction and mindless entertainment. Bring it on!

"Didn't your mother teach you...?"

I am a movie fanatic.

I don't just like watching movies, I like going to the movies. And I do it often. With friends. Without friends. On dates. Doesn't matter.

What do I like about it? I guess, the big screen, the sound system. Being out of the house. Laughing along with other people.

BUT

Yes, theres a HUGE "but". (WARNING- this is where this post becomes whining, ranting, and a tad bid snobbish...please bear with me.)

I don't understand why there doesn't appear to be anything that could be called "movie-going etiquette". I would think that certain things would be common knowledge. But I would be wrong. So I'm thinking of publishing my own self-created list.

Here's a rough draft of what I'd like to cover:

Seat selection Of course if the theater is crowded, you are basically lucky to get a seat. And the front row is off-limits (why do they even put seats there?). However, if the theater is moderate to empty there are some rules to consider:

Do not sit directly in front of someone
Do not sit directly next to someone
In fact, if possible, select your own row

Cell phones If you manage to miss the increasingly cutesy-funny-annoying ads the theaters use to remind you to turn your phone off, please turn the ringer off immediately should your phone ring during the movie. We don't need to listen to your "entertaining ring" and we don't need to hear the loud sound that announces a voice mail. And why would it ring a second time? (yes, this has happened)

While I'm at it...texting during a movie is also annoying. The light from your cell phone is like a beacon in a dark theater.

Oh...and while I'm on the subject. Walking over to the exit to take your call- doesn't help. We can hear you. As if you were sitting next to us.


Snacks One of my favorite parts of going to the movies is eating popcorn. I can't seem to see a movie without it. I wonder who the genius was that decided that this crunchy loud snack was a perfect match for an activity that should be enjoyed in relative quiet.

Oh well. But at the very least...is it really that difficult to make the effort to eat the snack as unobtrusively as possible? If I can hear someone smacking away at their popcorn in the back of the theater over the sound of the dialogue- how can they possibly hear the movie? A couple basic rules of thumb- close your mouth while you chew. Don't stuff your mouth with an entire handful. And slow down, you've got two hours to finish it.

Inappropriate laughter I experienced this for the first time the other day. I was watching a movie with some very dark, sometimes violent, sometimes sexual themes in it. Behind me was a man that kept laughing at scenes that were clearly not funny in any way. It was a creepy, low, guttural "heh heh heh" kind of laugh. Ick.

That's all I have for now. Am I off base? Anything I should add?

*the above photo is of my favorite movie theatre: the Angelika in New York City

Are you Ham or Eggs?

I was watching a repeat of one of my guilty pleasures, Grey's Anatomy. There's this great exchange between George and a happily married man. His wife is being admitted to the hospital and he's telling George the story of how they met.

"The first time I met Noelle, I knew I was Ham."

Huh? Asks George.

"In every situation you have to ask yourself- are you Ham or Eggs?"

Double Huh?

"Ham or eggs. Pig or chicken. The chicken is involved in the meal. But the pig...the pig is committed."

OK, some definite flaws with the analogy- like the implication that committment equals death. But it actually made me think. I'm a pig. In any situation that is important to me. In relationships. Unfortunately, I do have a tendency to be drawn to chickens.

I'm going on a chicken-free, pork-only diet! Who is with me? :)