Funny. Odd. Interesting.

How else would I describe a weekend with the parents? :)

Overall, I would say their visit was a success. We had a good time. And my hot buttons did not get pushed. Even moments that would usually cause me angst, did not have a negative effect. Yeaa!

Random moments from the weekend:

* My mother claiming that people only get attached to pets because they don't have children.

(I found this extremely humorous as I tried to show her the fault in her logic...the more committed she stayed to her original statement, the funnier it seemed.)

*How thrilled my Dad was when I managed to find a local bar that was playing his favorite college team's game. We spent the afternoon together, AND he didn't have to miss his game!

*Both parents telling me that what I'm doing with my business is "amazing". Both saying emphatically (and with pride) that they could never do what I do.

*Here's a good one: "The only reason someone should get married is if they want to have children." (guess who owns this quote?:) So when I countered: "If children are out of the question for me, does that mean I should never get married?". "Well, it's different for women- they need to have a mate." "Why?" "Because they need someone to take care of them." Normally, I would have had anger and frustration brewing beneath the surface. This time- it just struck me as unbelievably hilarious. My response? "Well, mom, maybe you feel that way because you have never lived on your own." She agreed that could be the reason.

*Running into an old boyfriend while at lunch. Actually- he ran. Pretty much as soon as he saw us walk into the restaurant. Why? Because it was probably the ugliest break-up I've had. He was a real slime ball and I'm sure he had no interest in facing my parents (whom he had met before). But the biggest reason he ran- most likely because he was embarrassed that he was working as a waiter at this particular restaurant. The scene was entertaining- in order to get to his station without walking by our table, he literally had to walk all the way around the restaurant.

*My dad spending every free moment doing "projects" around my house. He fixed my toilet, changed light bulbs, cleaned chandeliers. It really was sweet to watch. I knew it was his way to show love.

*While my mom was fixing her hair getting ready to go out, she apparently had an epiphany. "Aileen, I figured out what is wrong with you and me... I am always seeking your approval, and you are always seeking mine. And maybe you need to hear that I love you as you are and I'm very proud of you. You should hear how I brag about you to all of my friends."

OK...so a simple weekend with the parents may seem like no big deal to you. But to me- it was actually a great accomplishment! :)

Weight a minute

I'm torn on this subject. I definitely applaud the marketers at Dove for their recent campaigns. I admire the fact that they are trying to help us to see beauty as it is, and not just promote an unrealistic ideal. It was good to see real-life women posing for their pictures feeling confident and looking attractive. I love their new "pro-age" campaign, though I'm not sure why the commercials can't be shown here in the US. (The campaign consists of women over 50 in nude photos- tastefully done, and covering any private parts...you can see them on Dove's website.)

I believe that beauty comes in various shapes, forms, ages, etc. And I think it's wonderful to celebrate it in all its glory.

However...

Here's where I may have a bit of an unpopular view amongst women...

I'm worried about sending too many messages that it's OK to be whatever size you are. I'm worried about creating comfort among us to hang on to that extra 20, 30, 50 pounds that we really should be working on getting rid of. The expanding size of the society around me is scary. Actually, sometimes it evokes feelings stronger than fear. There is a tinge of disgust. And embarrassment. It sometimes feels like greed. Or gluttony.

Slim-fast has an ad where people are dancing around, apparently feeling great about their weight loss. Now, they haven't used skinny little actresses to do this...they haven't even used thin models to do it. The people in the ads are bigger than that- perhaps they've lost some weight and perhaps they have a ways to go. I'm not sure. All I know is that some of the women are probably my size, and the only thought I have while they are dancing on my tv screen is "she looks big.." and then that leads to "do I look that big?"

So while segments of the media work on making us feel okay about our expanding size...it simply has served as a reminder to me that I'm not completely buying it. Which is a good thing, I guess- it does seem to help with my current weight loss efforts!

Grow Up!

My mom is coming to visit this weekend. Actually
both of my parents are coming, but I tend to have a particularly difficult time with my mother.

I'm such a cliche'. A stereotypical adult single woman that has a lot of anger and resentment towards her mother that doesn't seem to get resolved. Yes, I've tried therapy.

I'm embarrassed to say that at times, I feel like I don't even like her very much. Trust me, I could list all of the reasons.

My mom is aware that I have a lot of anger towards her. Actually- scratch that- I think she just knows I have a lot of anger. I don't necessarily think that she believes it's all aimed at her. She thinks I'm an angry, resentful, unhappy person, because that is usually what she sees.

I've pinpointed an issue here that has repeated itself in other key areas of my life. What makes me most angry at my mother is her lack of accountability in the situation. Her total lack of self-awareness at what she could have possibly done to contribute to the situation. Her "martyr-like" attitude when she asks my sister-in-law things like "I don't know what I've done to make her so angry at me!"

You may be wondering what could she have done? I mean, I'm a fully grown woman- I should have gotten over it by now, right? In a nutshell, she made me feel like I wasn't "enough". She never seemed to make an effort to understand me. She minimized my feelings and my experiences throughout my life.

And yes- I should be over it by now. But apparently, I'm not.

There have been times in my life when I've tried to tell her some of what she's done...she becomes defensive, dismissive, basically doesn't want to hear it. Adopts a "grow up!" sort of attitude. So I gave up years ago trying to explain myself.

I am determined to improve the situation somehow. I mean- she is my mother, and she does love me, even if she failed to make that impression on me strongly enough. Add to that the fact that she is getting older (and it freaks me out sometimes when I hear an "old lady voice" come out of her over the phone) so I realize it's now time for me to step up and take full accountability for the relationship. She isn't going to change at this point in her life. I have to.

The "aha!" moment I've had is that this has carried over into my romantic life. Not only do I have the bad habit of finding men who manage to make me feel like I'm not "enough"...I seethe with anger when they refuse to take accountability for hurting me. When they refuse to admit they have done anything wrong, and instead accuse me of being critical or judgemental.

Now when I take a step back and see where my reactions are coming from, I can be a bit more objective. My anger at them isn't just about the current situation. It's about all the unresolved anger I carry as well. And I'm smart enough to realize that it's not fair to unload all of that on someone. I am making the person (and the situation) far more important that it needs to be. Yes, she(he) hurt me. Yes, we are both accountable for it. So what? So what if she(he) is more accountable than she(he) wants to admit? Is that my problem? No. My problem is to accept my own responsibility for my own actions, to learn from it, to move on, to grow, and hopefully apply it in such a way that will make me a better person.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell

There's a lot going on in my life that I can't/won't blog about. When I started this blog, several months ago, it was to help me explore relationships. All kinds. Friendships, intimacy, communication. I wanted to increase my ability to build strong connections with the people in my life.

The public aspect of this medium actually turned out to be more cathartic than I originally thought it would be. I guess there is this feeling of "putting it out into the universe". By getting the universe involved, you were making a commitment. You were validating the importance of what you were talking about.

I also had (have) a desire to keep this blog reasonably private. Sometimes I reveal very personal thoughts or feelings that I have, or actions I have taken. However, I do not post anything too personal that would overtly reveal my identity or that would embarrass me if my identity was posted. Also, several people that know me read this blog. Friends, acquaintances, and even former bf's. Sometimes, when I write a post, I think of all the people that I know that read this blog, and I try to decide if what I wrote is "OK". Will I offend anyone? Will I hurt their feelings? Will they take it the wrong way? I try not to edit, but sometimes it's difficult.

So I'm struggling with how much I can say about some of the things I am currently experiencing. If you've been reading this blog, you know that last year was a very emotional, intense, transitional year for me. You know that I've somewhat recently experienced heartache. You know that I've been working on moving forward in my life. You know that finding a partner is important to me. You know that I've been dealing with the issue of aging.

I'd like to explore these issues more deeply. I am going to attempt to do this without sacrificing my privacy or the privacy of those I care about. And I'm going to try to do it without caring what others will think of what I wrote. I suspect the issues I want to address are probably universal, and that's why I want to share...

Here's my question to my fellow bloggers...how do you walk the fine line between openly sharing yet respecting appropriate privacy?

Lingerie Update

Either midwestern men are especially friendly, or "Wear Your Lingerie Day" really works. I've never had more spontaneous conversations with cute men in one day than I did yesterday!

Happy “Wear Your Lingerie” Day!

I thought I’d post this a day early…I’ve been reading a lot of “anti-Valentine’s Day” posts lately. Personally, I like Valentine’s Day- when I have a Valentine. And when I don’t, the day passes unnoticed.

This year, I don’t have anyone in my life that is quite “Valentine-worthy”. It’s not exactly the kind of holiday you want to spend with someone you think you sorta like. So I decided to come up with my own way of celebrating.

Valentine’s Day is about romance, right? Well, what is more romantic than lingerie?

For some reason, I only buy new lingerie when I’m in a relationship. And I only wear lingerie when I’m in a relationship. I suspect I’m not alone in this…I think it’s probably true of most women?

The idea occurred to me a few days ago. In a previous post, I spoke about how I’m paying extra attention to my appearance to lift my spirits and boost my confidence. If I had to choose some of the moments when I feel my most beautiful, I’d have to say it’s when I’m wearing romantic lingerie. Pure celebration of being a woman.

So why not wear your lingerie to celebrate Valentine’s Day? Even if you don’t have a date. Think of how your day will be, feeling beautiful, amazing and feminine all day long!

OK…so maybe not a corset like the top picture (I chose that picture because I thought it was aesthetically beautiful)…And maybe not something quite as over the top as the second picture (which I chose because the model is over 30 and bigger/curvier than a size 2)…But certainly something cute like the bottom picture?

Who knows? Maybe all that quiet confidence you exude, maybe that secret smile on your face…will lead you to meeting your Valentine…for next year! :)

Grateful.

One area of my life is going particularly well. And I have to stop, take a moment, and really relish in the success.

My business is gaining momentum.

I started a business less than a year ago, and I am now well on my way to achieving my goals. Here's the rub: it's taken very little effort on my part. At least it doesn't feel like I've put a lot of effort into it. I've been "meaning to" write a business plan, a vision. I started to put together a marketing plan. I haven't even had the opportunity to implement the plan yet.

I have spent a lot of time learning about small businesses. Learning how to network. I never thought I'd be very good at networking, but I'm pleased with how it's going.

I have five clients that I'm working with right now- and they have all been as a result of word of mouth referrals. Each project I've taken I've been nervous about- what if I don't get results? What if they don't think I'm worth the money? I have charged each new client slightly more than the one before. And my clients have been raving about my results. So much so that they give me names of others that could use my help. A contract that I just closed last week is my biggest one so far- and the project is moving into the area of expertise that I want my business to focus on.

This may sound like bragging to you. I guess it is, in a way. But in reality, I still always have moments when I think "any day now they will figure out that I have no idea what I'm doing". I am forcing myself to document this success because I have a tendency to take it for granted. If I was a man I would probably wear it like a badge of honor.

I wish I could figure out why I have good luck in this area (so I could apply the learning to other areas of my life). I often feel I don't deserve the success I have. I don't really work very hard. Many people think that I do, because when I work, I give 150%...but usually, I have days of down time where I work maybe part time hours, if at all. This has always been a reality for me. When I was younger, I was an "A" student, but could have been "A+" if I had the discipline and drive to prepare and study more. I was never at the top of my class- not because of lack of ability, but because of lack of effort.

I am grateful for my instincts, my people skills, my analytical abilities, my intelligence. Traits I was born with. Thank you Mom and Dad.

Forced Ride Share=Forced Safety Risk

What is it with DC cabs? Let's not even talk about the fares. What I'm most confused about is this common practice of forcing people to share cabs.

I travel a lot for work. And DC is the only place where I have witnessed this ridiculous practice. For those of you that don't travel much, here's the deal: at National Airport, and at Union Station, when you arrive and need a taxi to get home, the dispatchers at the curb attempt to get 2 or 3 other people into the cab with you.

Why? You may ask. Well, apparently when they are busy, they are afraid they don't have enough cabs or the wait will be too long to accomodate everyone. So if you need a ride to Georgetown, they will yell out "who is going to Georgetown?" and they will keep yelling until they have more people to put into the cab.

I am extremely uncomfortable with this arrangement. I have had to share rides with strangers on numerous occasions. The ride home takes much longer, and as they drop passengers off, there is no rhyme nor reason to how they calculate your portion of the fare. Each time this has happened to me, I quietly stewed with anger. Not just because of the inconvenience. To me, it's a safety issue.

Most people that know me, know that I am a risk taker. And I'm very independent. But when it comes to issues of my personal safety, I am quite cautious. My door is always locked- I do not open it for strangers. I have lived alone, traveled alone, in many cities- and I believe that one of the reasons I've been able to do that with little to no problem has been my cautiousness.

And now I find myself in a scenario where I am not only forced to reveal my home address to a car full of strangers, I practically show them the way to my door. Am I being paranoid? Maybe, but I don't think so.

Do single women that live alone give their home address to strangers on the street? Of course not.

Do we give our home address to someone we meet in a bar? Nope.

Do we ask our blind online dates to pick us up at our home? Not gonna happen.

So I don't appreciate the assumption that it's OK to give up our privacy for the convenience of the cab company. I finally put my foot down when I arrived home the other night. When I got to the front of the line and the dispatcher asked me "where to?", I told him and then said "But I do not want to share". (Even saying that out loud felt funny, going against what I'd been taught as a toddler.)

So the other guy working there yelled out the name of my town (that's OK, it's a big town), but then yelled "Never mind! She says she doesn't want to share!"

Since it was about 20 degrees outside, I could feel the hard stares I got from the people in line behind me. I felt good that I stood up for myself, and yet guilty that I was "messing up the system". Geesh!

And now, no one but the creepy taxi driver that likes to make weird guttural noises knows where I live.

Under Renovation

I enjoy making improvements to my physical appearance. I like to look attractive, to be considered sexy. It's a form of expression- the way we dress, our hairstyle, the way we present ourselves to others.

When I find myself in a funk, or not feeling good about myself, one way that I pull out of it is by putting concerted effort into my appearance. Now is apparently one of those times.

When I was studying the craft of acting, I was introduced to two very different philosophies. One philosophy was to start with what's going on internally and it would show on the outside. This method taught actors to recreate internal feelings and experiences that would be conveyed to the audience if you were really experiencing it. The other philosophy said that you start with the external expression and the internal feelings would come. I guess sort of like the saying "fake it until you make it".

As an actress, I didn't believe much in the "start with the outside" approach. But in my life, at the moment, I think I do. Right now, I have a few different "health and beauty" efforts underway. Some of them are quick added touches, and some of them are more long term improvements. Either way, as I see my appearance improve, it makes me feel good. I feel grateful for what I have. And I want to feel that I am making the most of what I have.

When I get dressed up and look in the mirror and think "I look pretty", it adds a pep to my step. When I meet up with my girlfriends and they say "You look good! Have you lost weight?" (girls are great for that!) I feel confident. When my date gets a sparkle in his eyes and says "You look really nice." I feel sensual.

Happy, confident, sensual, sassy, stylish, adventurous, intelligent, loving, nurturing. Who cares if I'm starting from the outside in as long as the result is happiness?

The Fine Line Between Hope and Denial

I've never considered it a good thing to give up hope. I mean, that would make me "hopeless" and that's just such an awful word. So giving up hope must be a bad thing right? It's good to have some self-assurance that there will be a positive outcome to current circumstances, right?

I usually consider myself a hopeful person. But when does hope become denial? A state I'm also very comfortable in, by the way.

I know that certain religions consider hope a hindrance. That it keeps us from enjoying the reality of our life just as it is. That it sets up expectations, sometimes unrealistic ones. It leads to disappointment as we keep our focus on the future, instead of the present. It makes sense- but finding that delicate balance is easier said than done.

Hope and denial have seemingly joined forces in my life and caused me intense pain. The last few years I have been so unrealistically hopeful for a certain situation, and so deeply buried in denial, that I have allowed myself to be mistreated. I allowed myself to be treated as "less than". To be put in a category and boxed in. I am so embarrassed and ashamed that I allowed this to happen. And I am so intensely angry at the person that has caused me this pain.

The fog of hope and denial that has clouded my judgement has lifted. Unfortunately, at the moment it is revealing a whole mess of emotions. Deep sadness. White hot anger. And the experience has chipped away at my usually intact self-confidence. I'm not feeling very good about myself at the moment, and I don't like the feeling.

Better Late than Never

I just found out about Reya's poetry day last night. I had a particular poet that I wanted to post, so I figured a day late isn't too bad!!

I wanted to share a poem written by Matthew Joseph Thaddeus Stepanek, otherwise known to everyone as "Mattie". He wrote this poem in 2002 at the age of 12. Sadly, this great poet, peacemaker, and philosopher died just before his 14th birthday from a disease I can't spell or pronounce.

Choice Vows
In the beginning,
Love
Was created,
And it was good.
Yet, as it is
With all things,
Love is a choice.
In the now,
A bond
Is created,
And it is good.
Yet, as it is
With all things,
A bond
Is a choice.
In each tomorrow,
The future
Will be created,
And it can be good.
Yet, as it is
With all things,
The future
Is a choice
As the love of yesterday
Binds the present into a touch
Towards every tomorrow,
Do not vow
To renew your choices
On your first, your fifth,
Or your fiftieth anniversary.
Rather,
From this moment,
Go forth vowing.
Go forth
Vowing to choose gently,
Celebrating life each day.
Go forth
Vowing to choose wisely.
Playing after every storm.
Go forth
Vowing to choose fervently
Never giving up hope
In things that matter.
Then, as it was in the beginning,
And, as it is now,
Yet, it will be in the future...
Blessed with choices, and good.

I find it interesting that this young boy had a more mature view of love, commitment, and choices then some adults I know.

Breaking Up with a Friend

I've heard stories about "breaking up badly". Over the phone, via email, and now even via text message. And of course, there's the infamous "post-it note breakup" from Sex and the City.

Usually when we hear these stories we think "How awful!, How cold!" It seems that the respectable thing to do would be to meet the person face to face and let them know the relationship is over. It's the right thing to do. I've been on the receiving end of a rude break up, and it's not fun. Things are left dangling. Lots of questions unanswered. And it makes it hard to heal.

But what about friendships?

I find it extremely difficult to end a friendship. Unfortunately, I have a history of not making the best choices when it comes to friends. So I've had more than my fair share of toxic friendships. And I have a bad habit of keeping them around longer than necessary. If I get to the point where I decide "I just can't have this woman in my life anymore", I usually just drift away. Disappear. Slowly but surely.

I'm faced with this decision again. A woman that has been a friend of mine for about 6 years. She hasn't really done anything wrong. She is just always filled with negativity and angst. It can be draining to be around her.

Why am I friends with her? She has a good heart and means well. She is a great sympathetic ear when I am hurting. And I have felt sorry for her. I've always suspected that she's had some horrible things happen to her, and that someone positive should be there for her. But I feel like I can't do it anymore.

My question is, what is the best way to break up with a friend that has done nothing wrong? I'm not sure that the old dating line of "it's not you, it's me" would work in this type of situation. Is it best to just drift away quietly?