A Snow Bird Weighs In on Obama's "Snow Days" Comments

OK, I admit I chuckled when I first heard Obama on the news commenting on the fact that DC schools were closed on Tuesday. I mean, as a former snow bird growing up in the snow belt area of Central New York, I remember how much I laughed at DC wimpiness when I first moved here...

But then I realized the MAJOR, KEY DIFFERENCE between upstate New York, and the DC Metro area:

SNOW REMOVAL EQUIPMENT


When I was up north a few weeks ago, we were pounded with several feet (not inches) of snow, sleet, and ice. And wind. And record breaking freezing weather. But life went on as normal

because lots of money is spent to maintain the roads in a place used to treacherous weather.

Snow plows are EVERYWHERE, at ALL TIMES OF DAY and NIGHT.
They are SANDING and SALTING the roads.

So most of the time, you are dealing with bare roads...or at least not slippery roads.

That doesn't even mention the fact that most people make their vehicle-purchasing decisions based on the amount of treacherous driving they expect to do. In upstate NY, two out of every three vehicles have a snow plow on the front.

So stop busting on DC's wimpiness!

It would be stupid to spend millions of dollars on snow equipment in an area that only has a few rough days a year.

And I when I bought my super-cute Mercedes, I never gave a second thought to how it would do on snow and ice (absolutely terrible). And yes, I was house-bound for a day and a half.

And I don't blame the schools for not wanting the kids walking in the road during a time when cars are sliding all over the friggin' place.

So back off, people.

"TMI, Facebook, TMI!"

Occasionally, my non-Facebook-using friends ask "Doesn't it bother you to have that kind of personal information out there for the world to see?"

My answer has always been "no". I don't care, because I have a certain amount of control over what I post.

What bothers me is what I see on Facebook: information I may have been better off not knowing.

A few days ago, I opened up my Facebook page and saw a prominent "News Item" on my home page:

AileensExwithOccasionalBenefits has changed his status from Single to In a Relationship.

What?!

Brief background on AEOB: we dated briefly several years ago and parted amicably. He's very good looking and fun and we have periodic dates that may or may not end platonically. He's also the good male friend that told me he would consider fathering a child with me if I decided I wanted to have a child on my own. Though I did not accept his offer, it was comforting to have it as an option.

I also just saw him a few short weeks ago. We had a good time, we were flirtatious as always. And he never mentioned he was dating someone.

Then, the next day, he links to his girlfriend on his profile page. Then changes his profile pic to a "couple pic" (gag!)

I notice his girlfriend is a woman who has been regularly commenting on his profile for months now...I never really gave it much thought. And the whole "throwing snowballs at each other stuff"...I completely ignored. That kind of FB silliness just doesn't register on my radar.

I sent him a private message saying "I guess we have some catching up to do- I didn't even know you were dating anyone!"

He responded "he he he".

Damn, I was pissed. Truth be told, I'm still pissed. Not completely sure why- am I jealous? Did I want to be with him? I doubt that- if that had been the case, I'm sure I would have done something about it long ago. But now my male buddy is taken. And I thought we were at least good friends, yet he failed to tell me about this development in his life?

Another similar incident took place last week. Prominently in my news feed I see: The Cop has also commented on his photo. Then it displays his comment: "Gee thanks, girlie!"

This also pissed me off. Let me explain...The Cop calls me girlie. I've always liked it. And this comment he displayed on his photo? Was in response to some other chick saying how good he looks in the picture. Yeah, this is supposedly my FWB that doesn't have any other women in his life at the moment. Reality check, Aileen.

Damn you, Facebook, I didn't need this kind of grief!

Jumpin' the Track

Early in adult life, we all start out at the 'train station', probably leading up to and during the college years. There we are, with all of our peers, having different interests, dreams, goals etc. But easy access to everyone.

Then we start boarding different trains: Grad school. Climbing the corporate ladder. Falling in love.

This continues throughout our twenties and into our thirties: Career. Love. Exclusive relationships. Engagement. Marriage. Family.

The trains end up having very distinct differences...and we continue along that track. And we only have access to people on the same train.

By the time you reach your late thirties and into your forties...all the people you've known and care about have boarded different trains.

I know people on the
Single But in a Serious Relationship train
Married with No Children train
Married with Children train
Divorced train
Divorced with Kids train

and finally, those on my train:
Single train.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm over-simplifying, but stick with me for a moment OK?

My point is that it is really, really, difficult to have relationships with people on the other trains. Whether you're talking about friendships or dating. They spend their time differently. They have different priorities.

So in my early 40's I find myself on a train with people much younger than myself. There are some distinct perks on the Single train: we are very independent, we can travel and make choices based purely on our own desires. We play a lot and have a lot of fun.

In some ways the Single train keeps me young, but in other ways, it makes it difficult to truly connect.

So I attempt to jump the track. Which sometimes works for friendships. I get together with my friends in a Serious Relationship on nights when their SO is busy. I spend time with older friends on the Empty Nester train because they suddenly find themselves with more time on their hands.

But for dating? The Divorced train and especially the Divorced with Kids train are really tricky tracks to navigate. Since I avoid the Married trains, and I never want to take a guy who is already in a Serious Relationship, I find myself in a quandary.

Chances are I'm going to have to give up some of my perks in order to be comfortable on either Divorce train. Chances are that's where I'm gonna meet my man.

Knock My Socks Off...Please

I had an interesting conversation with an eX last night about what it takes to get married. We both notice that the majority of the population manages to find a suitable partner and get married, and yet each of us has managed to be a part of the minority of people that cannot/do not follow that path.

He mentioned that he supposed there were two ways to go about it:

1) Decide you want marriage, determine what you need in a partner and then go about making that happen.

or

2) Wait until someone knocks your socks off enough that it inspires you to want to marry them.

He admitted to falling in the second category (side note- it's not fun to be reminded by an eX that you did not, actually, knock his socks off).

Anyway, it occurred to me that when I was much younger, I was a member of that second category as well. I did not want marriage and family badly enough to pursue it with someone that I was anything less than completely enthralled with. Hence, my failed engagements.

Then I met someone that I was completely head over heels in love with, and it ended tragically. So I stopped looking for that kind of intensity, that kind of love. I knew I would be OK with something warm, full of love, but not necessarily soul-consuming.

So I became a member of the first category. I've wanted marriage and family and have been pretty rational about my search for it. This doesn't mean I've been willing to "settle". I still want someone who is fun, who is my best friend, whom I'm intensely attracted to, whom I trust completely.

The kicker is that I am repeatedly attracted to men who belong to the second category. They are waiting to be completely swept away. And I'm not sure I am capable of sweeping anyone away anymore. No, that's not an indication of an insecurity. It's just an indication that I am becoming cynical.

What am I cynical about? Well, since it's been a long time since I've had my socks knocked off, I feel like that may be a feeling one experiences early in their adult life. A series of relationships, with highs and lows, years of dating and being exposed to the good, bad, and ugly of single life, makes it difficult to become enthralled.

So I think to myself "What would it take for a single man in his forties to become completely swept away by a woman?" And it seems to me the answer is something pretty close to perfection. Which clearly I am not.

So what's the answer? I don't want to be cynical. I don't want to lose the old-fashioned, romantic heart that is in the core of my being. If I am truly someone who is simply logically looking for marriage, it stands to reason it would work best if / when I found a man who also falls into the first category. A man who is looking for marriage but does not need to be head over heels.

And I suspect I would not fall in love with a man like that.

Go figure.

The Joy of Vanilla Sex

I'm a former actress. Which means I have a flair for the dramatic, in all areas of my life. Sometimes, this can cause problems, but other times it's a great plus.

Like in the bedroom.

My sex life has always had the added benefit of my love of costumes, plot lines, props and equipment, scenery, special effects, dramatic dialogue, choreography, visual aides...etc. etc. You get the idea.

It's been fun. Recreational. Adventurous.

Oh yes, it's been loving, sweet, magical at times too...

But always with an added flair.

Until lately. Ever since I started seeing The Cop.

For the past year he and I have been having Vanilla Sex.

"Lingerie is nice, but it would be more for you than me, I just want it off." He says.

Our sex life is actually a bit routine.

No dirty talk. No toys. No secret fantasies. Wanna know why?

We don't need it.

I hear his voice on the phone and I get goose bumps on my arms.
I walk into a room and his eyes immediately dilate.
I melt when he holds my face in his hands and kisses me passionately.
There is something primal and magical about our chemistry.
Being around him is electric. You can feel it in the air.
It's as if our bodies belong together.

Which is wonderful, yet confusing.

It's confusing because I imagine this to be what Love feels like. At least in the beginning. I imagine that when a man is in love with me, he is hungry for me. That there are visible sparks.

Yet, The Cop and I are not in love.

It's not just lust either. I've been in Lust before...this is more intense. More surprising. In a doesn't-make-sense kind of way.

We barely know each other. I know enough about him to know he's a good person, and I trust him. We kinda carry on conversations, but it's pretty surface-level stuff. And I find it very weird that I can be so turned on by this person even though we are not emotionally or intellectually intimate.

An eX, with whom I share an adventurous sexual history, finds it curious that my tastes have changed so much. "Do you feel like you have somehow outgrown your adventurous side? Do you feel like you've somehow grown up, and evolved past it?"

No. That's not it at all. I don't think my tastes have changed, even though some of my activities have.

I simply think there is some unique quality when you put me and The Cop in the same room.

Strength. Resilience. Fearlessness. Zest for life.

You did great. Such a powerful force. Such love.

Thank you.

The following is a tribute written by my talented brother, GS:

My Gram

No words of verse or prose can adequately paint a portrait of my Gram. Knowing her, loving her, and learning from her are immeasurably more powerful than anything I could ever write in tribute to her. But nothing soothes loss like sharing. The sharing of tears, of hugs, of comfort, of company, of memories, of love. And so these words, however inadequate, are my way of sharing.

My Gram inspires us with her...

Strength and independence. Both were a result of being raised as part of a large family, in a granite-hard land of coal mines made beautiful by tree-covered hills and hard-working people. She had lost loved ones, including her father, at a young age. She knew heartache and pain over the death of siblings. But she endured with dignity and fearlessness. After losing her husband, she lived alone and took pride in her home, in decorating, in cooking, in crosswords. Until cancer, no one ever had to take care of my Gram. In the end, I think it was one of the hardest things for her to accept, losing her independence.

Love of family. She cherished it above all things, and was rightly the center of ours. More than the center, she was the foundation, the bedrock. Matriarch does not fully describe it. She raised four intelligent, successful, beautiful daughters, was a grandmother to ten, and a great-grandmother to ten more. She held us all as babies, and smiled just the same. No matter the generation, she was there for us. And with a mere reference to a length of wood, exactly one yard long, hanging in her pantry, she demanded respect.

Willingness to live life to its fullest. I never thought of my Gram as old. I know now that’s because she never stopped enjoying life. She had a sharp sense of humor and loved to laugh. She could smirk with an almost devious twinkle in her eyes. On the day before she died, I sat by her bedside and pointed out to her that I stick my feet outside the covers just like she does. She grinned. Ear to ear. She couldn’t laugh, but I knew she wanted to. She loved parties and gatherings and shindigs and celebrations. She appreciated new experiences, but treasured her traditions. Perhaps most importantly, she made those around her feel loved. And truly, what else should life be about?

Guidance. Whenever we left my Gram’s house, she stood in the doorway and waved until we were out of sight. I never asked her why. But it made me feel like she wanted me to know that she wished me luck wherever I was going, whatever I was doing, and she’d be there when I came back. Now that she’s gone, I feel much the same way. Even though I have crested the hill and can no longer see her, I feel like she is here supporting me, and that all I need do is think of her and she will be there. But even so, I miss my Gram.

Damn, why does this guy seem to know what he's talking about?

"Women tend to spark less than men do...Men spark all the time. Women, when they spark it feels profound and they're not willing to let go of it right away, they sort of hope it'll work out..."

- Greg Behrendt, author of "He's Just Not That Into You", during his interview this week on The View.

Caregiver

I have never given much thought to what it takes to be a caregiver. My mother and her three sisters have been providing around-the-clock care for my Gram for a little over two solid months. At first, it seemed like it wasn't too bad- making her meals, keeping her house clean, making sure she takes her medications. But Gram is quickly deteriorating. None of her "nurses" are professionals, yet they never considered full time help. The hospice workers have been helpful, but they are part-time at best.

When I visited over the Christmas holiday, I did a two day shift of "caregiving". With big three hour breaks in the middle of the day so I could attend conference calls for work. So it wasn't even a full two days.

It was exhausting.

I am twenty years younger than her other nurses. But I felt drained, sad, lethargic at the end of my "shift". It's not the physical work- it's the worry. The responsibility. During my shift, my Gram was experiencing hallucinations which were very scary to her. At night, I did not sleep a wink as I kept the baby monitor up against my ear, listening for her breathing.

She was instructed to not attempt to get from point A to point B without the use of her walker and one of us walking with her. This was because some of the meds were causing dizziness and she had recently fallen (twice) and dislocated her finger resulting in a midnight run to the emergency room.

However, in spite of her physical deterioration, there is still a kernel of her stubbornness and sense of independence left. Twice I caught her walking to the bathroom in the middle of the night without calling me, once without her walker.

"Why didn't you call me?"

"I didn't want to wake you."

"Gram, it's OK, that's why I'm here...I'm already awake. I don't want you to fall again."

"I'm sorry I disappointed you." She says in a faint voice as I tuck her back into bed.

Ouch. Talk about a knife in the gut. "Oh...you're not disappointing me. I just want to be sure you're OK."

The next day in the middle of the afternoon I walk into the living room to find her standing at the opposite side of the room without her walker- attempting to close the window blinds. I begin to walk towards her and as she heads back towards her chair, she falls.

I try to help her up, and find it's very difficult, in spite of the fact that she now weighs less than 100 pounds. "Let me get myself up" she pleads.

"Don't tell your mother" she asks.

Of course I tell my mother. All of the "caregivers" keep a diary so we know what's happening during the changing of the guards. Meal times, meds taken, sleep patterns, etc.

I was deeply relieved when my two days was over.

Now, her caregivers are having a much tougher time. Gram can't shower or bath herself. She doesn't always make it to the bathroom in time. She's much weaker. You can't understand what she's saying.

She is absolutely hating this loss of independence. Of dignity. I can tell it's actually pissing her off a bit.

On top of the grief involved, this experience has me thinking about the future. I'm not sure I have it in me to care for my own parents to such a degree if/when the time comes. And I don't have three sisters to share the burden (oddly, in my family at least, it's only the women who are helping out.) I can't imagine bathing my mother, let alone cleaning up after her if she has bathroom accidents. And who will take care of me when it's my turn? Even if I manage to set myself up financially in such a way that I can go to a home, I'm told that unless a person has a strong advocate, that person often does not get the best care.

Why is it that at the end of a good life...when it seems you have truly "earned" the right for grace and dignity...does your exit have to be so humiliating and painful?

Happy New Year, blah, blah, blah...

I am usually a big fan of the New Year. I have always found it to be a time for reflection, for renewal, for hope and anticipation. At the beginning of each year I say to myself "This is my year! This is the year where I fulfill my deepest desires!"

I've always enjoyed making plans for my year- goals, adventures, risks I want to take. I get consumed with excitement over all the possibilities.

So far, I'm not feeling that this year. I think part of it is because I'm grieving over my Gram's illness...But I'm not sure that's all of it.

I think I'm growing bored with the process. Bored with having the same unfulfilled desires. Bored with putting together the same sorts of plans to achieve what I'm looking for. Bored. Bored. Bored.

Yes, I know I am blessed and there are many things in my life for which I should be grateful. And I am. My business is doing well in spite of a tough economy, I've finally managed to lose most of the weight I've been wanting to get rid of, I have a handful of very dear friends that help me to feel loved, I have a family that is always there for me if and when I need them, I have a beautiful home, and I have children in my life that are precious and that think I'm pretty cool.

Pretty cool, huh?

I wonder if this state of extreme boredom will somehow propel me to do something completely different. Take my life in a very different direction. Because working so hard and feeling so sad about filling a void that is still there, that has always been there, is getting exhausting.

An Old Code Making a Comeback

When I was a teenage virgin there were times when I considered my virginity a burden. I felt it separated me from others and put me in the minority. I wanted to be considered desirable, sexy. I'm not sure I really knew what that meant other than the fact that men (boys) would want me physically.

However, I did not want to be considered easy. I wanted my first time to be special, to be with someone who deserved to be with me.

I set forth a simple rule: I would not sleep with any man until I knew for sure that he liked me as much as I liked him.

It took a few years to find someone that met my requirements. At 19, I finally found it. I chose correctly because he and I were together for seven years.

But somehow as I grew older, I forgot all about my old "code". Not that I needed a code to select bed partners, but perhaps it would have benefited me to apply that code to relationships in general:

I will not be in a relationship with any man (or woman) until I know for sure that he (she) likes me as much as I like him (her).

OK... that doesn't quite sound right. I don't always have to have the emotional upper hand in every relationship I have, right? So how about this modification:


I will not remain in any relationship with anyone who does not treat me in a way that shows he/she cares about me as much as I care about them.

When I take that measuring stick and apply it to the people in my life, there are a few people that do not make the cut.

Why do I even need a code? Because my intellectual judgment is so much better than my emotional judgment. Because somewhere along the way, I became way too tolerant, way too forgiving and understanding, and that has led to some dysfunctional relationships.

Which doesn't make sense when I think about it objectively. My behavior would indicate that I don't fully believe that I deserve the best. That I don't deserve to be treated with care.

That simply ain't so.

I know I'm a good person, with a big heart. I know I have a lot to give my close friends and any man who will be lucky enough to get me. I know I am blessed with intellect, humor, success, sensuality, attractiveness, and an ability to have fun. So why would I put up with sub-par friendships or relationships?

Ain't gonna happen anymore.

A Holiday of Joy and Sorrow

I attempted to take this picture about ten times...this was the best I could do!

...My three year old nephew DJ exclaiming after opening each and every gift "This is EXACTLY what I wanted!" and doing a touchdown dance with high-fives.

...My five year old nephew NG quietly protesting "But I don't like books..." after opening one of his gifts.

...Our typical family traditions being altered and muted due to my Gram's terminal illness.

...DJ walking into my Gram's house saying "I'm here to make you feel better Gram!"

...Listening to my nephews laugh as we watched "Bedtime Stories".

...My eight year old niece, CA saying to my youngest brother's girlfriend "Aunt Aileen says she's not buying you Christmas presents until you have a ring on your finger!"

...My Dad being excited about the pasta maker I bought him.

...Watching my Gram open her presents, and saying goodnight to her on Christmas night.

...Being given a portion of my Gram's estate prematurely.

...Having my Stacy London experiment work on my Christmas gifts to my Mom.

...Going out to dinner with my parents and having a heart-wrenching conversation about getting old, death, grieving, and family connections.

...Gathering with my extended family in shifts, each of us with glistening eyes and smiles on our faces as we await the tragedy before us.

...My Dad making his famous homemade pizza especially for me.

...Going out for a drink with my youngest brother and my godson...and finding myself giving them bad relationship advice.

...The gift from my aunt to all of us women...a compilation DVD featuring our annual Girls' Weekends dating back to 1986.

...Realizing that Girls' Weekend 2008 was the last one my Gram would attend.

...Saying goodbye to my Gram as I head back home and her saying "I hate to see you go".

...Connecting with close friends on my way up to visit my parents and on my way back.

...Reconnecting with an old love, knowing there's still love there, and lots of pain.

...The comfort of my home during my New Year's Eve dinner party.

...Ringing in the New Year with good friends.

...Hope for 2009.