We DO need men...don't we?

I'd certainly like to think so.

But I am noticing an interesting phenomenon. I have very recently embarked on a journey to determine whether I'd like to take the steps necessary to have a child. Now. On my own.

I thought I had already dealt with this issue. I thought I had decided that I didn't want to deliberately bring a baby into the world without a father. I thought I had determined that I didn't want to be a mother badly enough to do it on my own.

Today, at this moment, I'm not so sure.

What has triggered this? I'm embarrassed to admit that I think it's my recent breakup of a relatively minor relationship. That, added to the fact that I'm no longer forty. In the past, when I've tried to tackle this dilemma, I've concluded that I wanted to take care of the "partner issue" before I even worry about the "baby issue". I felt that I wanted a partner much more than I wanted a baby.

A couple of weeks ago, I had a thought in the middle of the night. I woke up from a disturbed sleep thinking, "There are 3 things I need to do:"

1. Completely cut ties with the two main men in my life
2. Stop internet dating
3. Volunteer/ Help others

So after this breakup (which has left me a bit drained), I felt like it's time to take (yet another) break from dating, and trying to find a mate.

Once I realized that I am postponing doing anything about the "partner" issue, I realized that I can't keep sweeping the "baby issue" under the rug. It's down to now or never. I haven't made a full-blown decision at this point, I've only determined that I'm going to take step #1: Call my doctor and have my FSH levels tested. Then we will see what happens next.

Back to the interesting phenomenon...

I am amazed by the number of women that are currently doing what I'm thinking about doing.

Last night, I was at a gathering where there were six of us women sitting around talking. The age range of the group was probably late 30's to mid 40's. I found out that three of the women were currently in the process of trying to have a baby. Either by adoption, through insemination, or in-vitro. I also have two other close friends that weren't there that are both doing the same thing.

What does all this mean? I can't help but think that something has gone terribly wrong if this generation of women are finding themselves in these circumstances. Of course I could take the stance that it's wonderfully evolved that we now live in a society where a woman can make a choice like this, still be a mother, and still be an active part of society. I'm just not sure it's really a "choice" we made.

At some point during our evening we were discussing the ratios of men to women. I said once again that I hate to give in to the hype that it's impossible to find a man in this area because there are so many more, fabulous women outnumbering the men.

The lone man that was engaged in this conversation (poor guy!) told us he had a friend that desperately wants to get married and start a family, yet he goes to Baltimore to look for them. Or Richmond. Or Atlanta. Guess why? "Because women in this area have chosen to focus on their careers."

Yikes! This hit my hot button. I had to respond. "That's a big assumption you are making. How do you know we are focused on our careers? What else are we supposed to do while we are waiting to meet the right partner?" I guess this is a sensitive subject for me because I'm not comfortable with the "career girl" label. My success happened in my spare time. In between working on friendships, relationships, etc.

This certainly isn't the way I would choose to become a mother if I had alternatives. The need for a baby is pretty strong...and I have often felt that I am collecting this wisdom and experience to share with a child.

I started to wonder what it would mean in the grand scheme of things if deliberate single motherhood continues to rise. That thought only lasted a moment...I'm pretty confident the next generation has witnessed our struggle and will work hard not to repeat it.

The Millenials Have My Attention

I am intrigued by the generation right behind mine. The Millenial Generation (sometimes referred to as Generation Y, but they don't like that because it's like being called a "junior") are those people born around 1977-1995.

I happen to be one of the oldest members of the Gen X'ers, so I've always been what's considered a "cusper". I have some characteristics of the boomers and some of the X'ers. But the Millenials are like a whole new breed to me.

Lately, I've had very specific observations about them:

* Many of them are returning to very traditional values and gender roles.

* They do seem to be the most color-blind generation in history.

*They are becoming passionately involved in the presidential race, and have been particularly inspired by Obama.

*The death of Heath Ledger has hit them pretty hard. Maybe this is the first young celebrity dying before his time for this group? (At least since Kurt Cobain.)

I am often frustrated by this generation when I have to work with them in the business world. Or when they work for me. They are definitely motivated by different things, and have a very different perspective of the world.

However, in general, I think this generation is going to be a force to be reckoned with. I think the boomers, and us X'ers need to pay close attention, be ready to change, be ready to learn, or we will get lost in the overall shuffle!

What a Loser. In a good way.

OK, I'm feeling very sarcastic and cynical at the moment. No, I don't really think I'm a loser. But let me introduce you to last night:

I found myself eating McDonald's chicken selects, large fries, a large diet coke, and a bowl of ice cream. Sitting on my couch watching tv.

Wait. Let me rephrase that.

Sitting on my couch watching The Biggest Loser.

Yeah. That was me, stuffing my face while watching a bunch of people trying not to stuff their faces. It was kinda a grotesque moment for me.

But I didn't feel too badly about it because I deserved to have a grotesque moment. I was feeling icky. Why? Because I had finally gotten up enough moxie to break up with the current man in my life.

I have realized that I have absolutely no idea how to break up with someone. I'm not even sure I did it right. If someone were to ask him this morning, I'm not even sure he knows he was dumped.

I know that sounds strange...surely someone who has been dating for twenty years has broken up with people, right? Well, yeah. Once, I think. It was my first love, a relationship that lasted seven years, and I broke up with him by phone. It was the only way I could do it- so I could stay disconnected and cold, and stick to my guns. And he showed up on my doorstep pretty much begging me to reconsider. It was a sick, sick, feeling.

Now, don't get me wrong- this doesn't mean that I don't end relationships. I do. If it's really, really early in the relationship, I guess I just do the "avoidance" thing and fade away. If there has been more of a connection there, I manage to "cause" the breakup. I pick a fight. I do something outrageous to piss him off. Or I present him with an unreasonable ultimatum. Or I simply continue to push, push, push, until he just can't take it anymore. (listed in dictionary under: passive-aggressive, a topic for future discussion)

That happens when I have finally decided that something isn't good for me. That doesn't take into account all the times when I seem unable to determine the value of a relationship. I have a tendency to hold on to something until the very last teensy weensy bit of life remains. I guess I would be one of those ER docs that continues to attempt resuscitation efforts for an hour after the patient flat lines.

I have always considered this a weakness, a fatal flaw. Why do I hand over my power like that? Why do I allow someone else to make the final decisions about a relationship? The typical response would be that it's a self-esteem issue. That simply isn't the case. While I have my moments of insecurity like anyone else, in general I'm above average in the self-confidence/self-esteem department.

I have attempted to eliminate this flaw for years, and I beat myself up every time that I can't.

So my other option is to change how I view it- maybe it's not a flaw. Maybe it's a strength. Maybe it's the exact trait that will make me a great spouse someday. Maybe it's this aspect of my personality that makes me a loyal friend. Perhaps this weakness is part of what has given me an everlasting bond with my siblings.

Who knows?

Serious Questions for a Sunday Morning

Change vs. status quo?

How did Obama become the poster child for change, while Hillary in now considered status-quo?

Why did Edwards and Obama double team Hillary?

I keep hearing "my record shows..." or "check our records"...Can someone tell me a good, objective source that lays out the candidates' records side by side?

Since I am overwhelmed with the choices, and admittedly confused by the rhetoric, I've been seeking sources to help me figure out who I would like to be the leader of our country.

I found this interesting tool on abc.com. It's a survey you take about where you stand on various issues and then it matches you up to a candidate. Apparently, my top three matches are 1) John Edwards 2) Dennis Kucinich and 3) Chris Dodd. I barely even know anything about #2 and #3. It's important to note, that even for the #1 match, we only had the same stand on about half the issues.

I was a bit surprised and disappointed that Hillary didn't even show up on my top 3. Because as I look at them as people (or the image they portray), I'm starting to lean towards Hillary. (Historically, I have not been a Hillary fan.)

Obama strikes me as being a bit idealistic and naive. Compelling speaker, great rhetoric, but his approach seems overly simplistic. Edwards seems just a bit too wimpy, he does not have the charisma of a leader (though I'm not sure how necessary that is to be a great President.) I can't help but admire Hillary- she knows how to take a beating. I admire her ability to remain strong and to be heard in a room full of men. I am personally aware of how difficult that can be to accomplish. She is not weak, she is very smart; I think if you were to line up the dozen or so debates that have taken place so far, she would be the overall winner. She provides the most substance.

But according to my survey, she and I are off on a variety of issues.

I'm going to have to dig further. It's a good thing we still have months before we have to make up our mind!

I am a Movie Fanatic

This is the time of year when I see more movies than usual. And believe me, that's saying a lot- because I always see a lot of movies. Yes, I pay the ridiculous prices and see them when they are released. I don't go to Blockbuster and I don't belong to Netflix because it's difficult to find a movie I haven't already seen. There's just nothing like seeing a movie on the big screen.

Here's a sampling of movies I've seen over the past couple weeks, with a cliff notes version of a movie review:

Charlie Wilson's War : Entertaining, good performances. It's not a war movie or a political movie, and it's not really a romance between Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts either. So unfortunately, I didn't get that involved with any of the story lines. Grade: B

P.S. I Love You : Too sad to be considered a romantic comedy. Hit a little too close to home for me, I bawled through the entire movie. But it was cute. Grade: B-

Water Horse : Brought my nephews (ages 8 and 10) and they really enjoyed it. Cute movie, cute story. Probably best for ages 7-11. Kids older or younger than that may be bored. Grade: B-

Alvin and the Chipmunks : This was our Christmas movie. We had 6 kids with us, ages 3 - 10. I only went to have fun with the kids, and I was concerned that I would want to poke my eyes out during this movie. I mean, really, those chipmunk voices? Argh! Turns out I LOVED IT. It was very well done, very cute how they made the story "modern", it was funny and entertaining. If you have kids, you have to go. If you don't have kids, rent it! Grade: A+

Atonement : If you liked the love story in Titanic, then yes, you will probably enjoy this. I found the love story frustrating. It's a visually appealing movie, and probably more of a chick flick. Grade: B-

No Country for Old Men : Probably worth seeing for the performance of Javier Bardem. Shocking, amazing, horrifying and funny. But be prepared to be dissatisfied with the ending. Grade: B+

Juno : I've seen conflicting reports of Ellen Page's performance. I LOVED her. Very funny- great comedic timing. Some thought she was too mature, I actually thought she seemed like a mature 14 year old, instead of a 16 year old. But this movie is MUCH better than Knocked Up. Very well written, fantastic cast. In spite of appearances, this is not a chick flick! Grade: A

The Great Debaters : The young performers in this film were great. It was a good, feel good movie, with some tears and some laughs. The scenes between Denzel and Forrest were electric- I wish they had been in more scenes together! Grade: A-

The Diving Bell and the Butterfly : This is a French film with English subtitles. Difficult to watch at first, the story is amazing. And the way the story is told is very well done. It'll make you think about getting a living will, and it will make you realize just how fortunate you are. Grade: A+

Happy movie-going! Let me know your thoughts on the movies listed above!

Can an addict use occasionally?

After years of wishing I could date like a man, and unsuccessfully attempting to become "stronger" when it comes to romantic emotion, I think I've finally given in to biology.

Like many (but not all) women, I am wired to seek out a long term mate. One fact that I'm coming to terms with is the fact that when I get to the point of being physically intimate with a man, I become addicted to him. Chemically addicted.

This doesn't happen after just one "occasion". I haven't exactly nailed down how long it takes. But I do know that if I'm with a man after a certain amount of time, with a certain amount of frequency, I feel bonded to him. And my emotions escalate. I start to imagine romantic fantasy-like scenarios of happily-ever-after.

The chemical addiction lasts for a long time. Sometimes even long past the relationship. In some extreme cases, the addiction to a particular person is not broken until it is replaced by a new object of addiction.

The logical side of me can actually see the addiction forming. Even see it coming. But I don't seem to be able to stop it, if there is strong chemistry.

So what does this addiction do to me? It makes it very difficult to "date". To take things slowly. If the relationship becomes physical, soon the desire to see the man more often, to take things to the next level, kicks in. Even if I'm not really sure that that is what I want from this person.

Yeah, yeah, I know, the answer seems easy. Either don't let the relationship get physical until you're sure you want more from the person, or break it off if you determine that it's not right for the long term.

Apparently neither of those options is easy for me.

So what I struggle with is this- can I continue to move slowly with my current relationship and resist the biological urge to accelerate it?

It helps that he seems very comfortable moving at the speed of molasses. In fact, instead of it seeming like I'm at odds with myself, it actually turns out to feel like my biological urges vs. his!

Thank god there's a fun chemistry there! At the moment, it makes the struggle worth it!