Solving the Mystery

This past year has been one of the toughest of my life. Yet, there is no really good reason for this. Of course it has made be think there is something going on with me physically, chemically.

I've been depressed for a little over a year now. It ruined a relationship and has caused me to lose touch with some close friends. Some amazing things have happened in my business and yet I have been unable to fully experience/ enjoy it.

When I have a friend going through a crisis, I am good at helping them through it. I'm able to stay positive, calm, logical. On more than one occasion, I have recommended to a friend that they see a doctor, and possibly get some medication. I have always believed that it is possible for a chemical imbalance to cause strong emotional challenges.

Yet, I refused to believe this for myself.

When the "darkness" began (I call it that because that's what it feels like- a dark cloud over every experience in your life) I was in a relationship. One I was thankful for, and excited about. However, the darkness made it so that my judgment and feelings were so out of whack that I couldn't tell whether or not the relationship was the cause. (It wasn't.)

Over the weeks and months, I was able to get to a point where I was "functioning". Maintaining. I was getting through my minimal obligations. But nothing really mattered to me. I didn't look forward to anything. I kept my social life busy, but it was a form of self-medicating: I would go out and drink and party, and for a brief moment- feel good.

As most people do, I have had times in my life when I was sad or a bit depressed. In those instances, I was always able to snap out of it. I would connect with friends, exercise, make some fun or ambitious plans...and soon I'd be back to normal. This time was different. Nothing appealed to me.

I'm not sure what initially caused the depression. It makes very little sense to me. So sometimes I thought maybe it was hormonal. Maybe early menopause was setting in. I wasn't sure. Yet, I couldn't even get up the energy (or desire) to do anything about it.

I do know that in recent months I have begun to grieve a loss. A loss unlike any I have ever had. The loss of a dream, a goal, a strong desire. The loss of "who I wanted to be". The loss of an identity in a way. Specifically, the loss of being a mother. And more recently, the loss of ever finding a life partner.

Arrrgh, this post sounds so maudlin! This was not my intention! I simply had to paint a picture of how this experience has felt.

It took me several months to get to the point of seeing a doctor. When I told her how I was feeling, she said "You need to exercise a few times a week." When I tried to explain that I was aware of that, but unable to do it, she eventually prescribed an anti-depressant for me.

Even typing that out is difficult for me! Somewhere inside of me, I see this as a failure... That I was unable to fix this myself, and that I have actually had emotional problems for the better part of a year, is simply unfathomable. Of course, intellectually I am aware that what I have experienced is not rare, and that needing medication does not mean I am weak or I have failed. I just haven't been able to completely let go of that nagging feeling...

I've been on the medication for about two months now. At first, it would work in brief spurts- I would have really good days when I felt almost "myself" again. But I also still had some really tough days. Recently, I've begun to have more and more days of optimism, and feeling good. It's almost like the dark clouds are starting to blow away...

I can see the real "me" in my mind's eye. I can't wait to have her back!