Blogs that make me think

Thanks to Barbara for the kind words. Isn't it always surprising when you find out that the blog that you write for yourself actually has an impact on others? It makes the experience even richer.

And thanks, Barbara for tagging me with my first meme! I would have chosen many of the same blogs: Gold Poppy, Drawing Conclusions on the Wall, Media Concepts- for all the reasons Barbara mentioned and then some. I also would have chosen Barbara's Lookin to Live.

I'm a little embarrassed to admit that most of the time, I'm not looking for opportunities to "think" when I'm reading blogs. I'm looking for entertainment. Sometimes I'm looking for something to "connect" to. At times, I'm looking for answers. But I find that some blogs make me think whether I'm looking for that or not.

Choosing blogs that Barbara didn't mention, I'd have to nominate:

The Friday Flare Up- I've mentioned this blog before when I spoke of my favorite male bloggers. I like the questions he asks, the topics he covers, and he has a good following of commenters with interesting perspectives.

El Nino's Big Adventure-This blog is written by a very good friend of mine. She was blessed with the wonderful surprise of motherhood last year. It's a very rewarding experience to see/hear/read about her new path in life. A path I've desired for a long time.

Dating is Dead- Ah, Belle! I love to read about the experiences of this twenty-something. Since I feel like I'm her age anyway, reading her posts brings back memories. It brings out the "older sister" in me. (I have all brothers in "real life".)

I am Woman, See me Blog- So wonderful to read Lizza's blog written in a place halfway around the world. It makes the world feel smaller to me. I love her humor, her insights. I would love to make more international blog connections!

"Mystery Blog"...I've just started reading this man's blog recently, and I LOVE it! Unfortunately, the name of the blog escapes me! Ugh! I've scrolled through DC Blogs and I can't find it...and he hasn't posted in the last couple days so he's not on the live feed at the moment. Stay tuned- as soon as I find him again, I'll introduce you. Perhaps I should post a "missed connection" ad on craigslist!

The Everyday Tragedy

Lately, friends of mine have experienced tragedy in various forms. I can't remember a time when I've seen people that I know and care about going through such difficult times all at the same time.

It began a few months ago, when a very close friend of mine had difficulty with the premature birth of her son, and severe post-partum symptoms that resulted in a life-changing stay in a psychiatric ward. She is still dealing with the after-effects of that. I remember the completely helpless feeling I had. I was shocked that there really wasn't anything I could do to help.

After that, it came in an almost non-stop wave. My friend, B, has had a debillitating problem with her back and legs. I believe it's some sort of problem with the nerves, but has resulted in extreme pain for her and reduced mobility.

My friend K, has been diagnosed with breast cancer and just had a double masectomy. She's 36 years old with a very young son.

My friend S's husband is going through a serious illness. I don't know the details, except that it has involved several brain surgeries. And now he requires around the clock care. She can't afford to stop working, so she has to drop her husband off at day care in the morning and pick him up at night. Her husband is only 52.

Yesterday, my friend W was diagnosed with a rare version of MS. It started with an eye infection that wouldn't heal, and led to the loss of feeling in her legs. She needs to stay in the hospital for at least another week while they conduct lots of tests.

The last personal tragedy I suffered was at the age of 28. I remember for a period of time after that tragedy, I had a feeling of being invincible- that nothing else would go wrong for a very long time. I actually felt that "God owed me" a free pass for awhile because of I what I went through. I remember being told how strong I was. I agreed- I was surprised at my own strength.

Each of my friends that have been going through these experiences has been handling it extremely well. They are able to remain positive and hopeful. They carry on with their lives, and they are still there for their families. Those that are mothers still manage to put their children first.

I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with this. It's just that tragic events are beginning to feel commonplace. Normal, everyday occurrences. The idea of that makes me nervous.

I also seem to be getting worse at handling tragedy. I used to be good at supporting others when they were going through such a difficult time. I was even better at it after I experienced it myself. But I feel like a hard shell has formed around me, around my heart. I feel disconnected from the events, from the emotions. When and if I take a moment to truly think about what they are facing- I feel like there's a tidal wave approaching. Like there's this huge sea of emotion in the distance that is coming at me hard and fast- and if I don't slam the door shut very quickly it's going to knock me on my ass.

Calling All Male Bloggers!!

Recently, I've read a few posts that have commented on the absence of men in the blogging world. The first was in the comments section of Grad School Reject's post, and the other was in this post by Fictional Rockstar. Though I don't think she was referring to male bloggers specifically, the question did come up in the comments section.

I was wondering- why are there so few men that blog? I know there are many that enjoy writing. I know that many men like to share their opinions, or give advice on things. Is it the medium? But that doesn't make sense, because I know they like computers. And they aren't shy because they have very revealing profiles all over the online dating sites, and places like myspace.

Maybe it's the subjects they write about. Maybe there are a lot more out there, but we female bloggers don't find them because we aren't particularly interested in the topics they write about. I do notice that the male bloggers tend to write on specific areas: politics, technology, business or some male specialty. And some try to be controversial/sensational by going the "women hating" route. Very few are personal. Not that I necessarily want to see a bunch of male dating blogs detailing the adventures of a bachelor (though I guess that could be enlightening). But it would be interesting to get the male perspective on life issues, wouldn't it?

I definitely have my favorite male bloggers that I read pretty regularly:

Arjewtino (very creative, good writer, charming and cute)

Diary of an Ad Man (I enjoy hearing about the evolution of his new business)

Drawing Conclusions on the Wall (Interesting topics, insightful)

Home Improvement Ninja (Hysterically funny and original)

I Now Pronounce You (Heartwarming, touching, romantic)

LMNtl Attraction (A single guy's view of women)

Media Concepts (Thought-provoking, well-written, informative)

The Friday Flare Up (Wise beyond his years, makes me think)

Now of course, when I imagine male bloggers, they all look pretty much like the picture I have posted. Which makes their writing even better.

Who are your favorite male bloggers? And if YOU are part of that mysterious demographic, please, by all means- introduce yourself! :)

Romantic Reunion?

Here's a hypothetical situation for you:

Let's say you dated someone about...oh...eight or nine years ago. You were together about a year. It was never really serious. There was a certain "deal-breaker" reason that the two of you could not have a long term future together. But you got along great, he treated you really well. The chemistry was phenomenal. And he was incredibly great looking. Then you moved away.

Fast forward to now. It just so happens you have to go to his home city for a business trip. He is still single. So are you. He knows you are coming to town and would LOVE to get together for dinner. You've seen recent pictures of this man- he is even hotter now than he was then.

You are hesitant to accept the invitation. Why? Because you are eight years older, twenty pounds heavier (or maybe ten now that you're losing weight) and fifty years wiser. Do you decline the invitation so the former lover can keep his younger, sexier memory of you...or do you take a risk, say yes, and see if any sparks fly?

Just curious.

Hypothetically, of course.

The Soundtrack of Your Life

I went to a retro-dance party last week. They played songs from the '70's, '80's, and 90's. My friend and I decided to go because I was in the mood to dance. I hadn't danced in ages...There's a serious shortage of places to dance if you are over 35.

Oh- how the memories came flooding back! It was fun to try to "name that year" with each song. Soooo many of the songs were directly connected to very specific memories for me.

Stayin' Alive...6th grade...I was so angry that I was the only one in my group of friends that wasn't allowed to see Saturday Night Fever because it was rated "R". We also choreographed a special dance routine to this song that we "spontaneously" performed at our school dance. (Yeah, we thought we were cool!)

Relax...Freshman year college...I'm embarrassed to say I owned a neon orange off the shoulder sweatshirt that said "Relax" in huge letters. The frat-guy DJ at one of our college bars, played the song for me in an effort to get my attention. It worked. His name was Lenny.

We've Got the Beat...Junior Year high school...some of my fellow cheerleaders and I used to crank this song as loud as we could, singing it as if we were the go-go's. This was done at someone's house because we knew it was "so not cool".

I Like Big Butts...I remember that I was living in Daytona Beach, Florida...Shortly after college...I was still very much living the college life, as my long term boyfriend was attending college there. I just remember going out a LOT, dancing a LOT, and getting into a LOT of trouble. Daytona Beach is not a very responsible place to live.

If someone had asked me to name some of the songs that would go on the "soundtrack of my life", I would never have picked any of the above songs. But hearing them just brought back such detailed memories.

So I'm wondering- if you had to pick some of the songs for your soundtrack, what would they be? And what do the songs represent for you?

There was another banner hanging in my neighborhood today. This one said:

Welcome Home
Capt. James H, USN

This time, it made me happy. Another homecoming! What a fantastic day for somebody. I hope we have plenty more very soon.

I, too, am glad you are home Capt. James.

When real life passion turns to fantasy

I am a passionate person. When I love- I love deeply. When I desire, it's almost completely out of control. Love, passion, desire, caring...feelings that consume me.

Unfortunately, I'm not always in love. Like right now. I've cleansed my heart of a recent love. A painful process. Sort of like spring cleaning after a long winter of cluttering up your garage and basement. But the feeling you get when you're finished? Pure joy.

Currently, I'm "in like". Which is great and fun and wonderful, but doesn't use up all of my feelings of love and desire. I have plenty left over.

At times like this, I have a tendency to develop crushes. Fantasies. I am drawn to strangers, which is not like me at all. The other night I went out late with a girlfriend of mine, and I saw this truly beautiful young man on the metro. I have no idea how old he was, perhaps mid to late twenties. And I enjoyed looking at him.

At times like this, I am more easily drawn to celebrities. Reminds me of my schoolgirl crushes- and the posters I used to have on my bedroom wall. My usual celebrity crushes are the confirmed bachelors that are around my age or older...George, Matthew, Vince. The more opposed they seem to marriage in real life, the more they seem to appeal to me in fantasy. Recently though, I'm inexplicably drawn to younger men. I have noticed in recent years that I'm at this interesting time in dating years...where men much older and men much younger approach me. And I enjoy that.

Spring is definitely in the air, isn't it? :)

Readers of The Secret- What about sex?

I admit it, I caved in to the hype and purchased the book, The Secret. I'm typically not a huge fan of such books, but this one sounded like it was in line with how I've been seeing things lately.

I believe that we have control over how we feel. We have control over our own happiness. Happiness is a choice. A decision. So is love. (I know a lot of people disagree with that notion.) I also believe that we create our lives...call it energy, karma, whatever. And it sounded like The Secret was based on beliefs like that.

It is. Sort of.

I'm almost done reading the book. There are some good points in it that I find myself nodding my head to. And affirmations that make me smile. I do believe that our actions send messages to the universe and if we are sending mixed messages the universe is confused.

For example- if you claim that you want to find a life partner and get married, yet you pursue relationships with men that don't want the same thing, the universe is confused. You don't get a life partner, because your actions are saying you don't want that.

I get that. (Ha! I live it!)

The Secret also says that you should act like you already have what it is you are hoping for. For example- if you want to lose weight, you can't be thinking "I need to lose weight" because the universe gets confused and you'll continue to need to lose weight. I think you're supposed to feel / think / believe that you already have the beautiful body that you want. The universe responds by making it happen.

I kind of get that, but it's much, much trickier.

So to keep with that thinking, I'm supposed to feel / think / believe that I have the love I want in my life already. Behave as if I'm already in love with my life partner, and he with me.

I'm losing it a bit here.

So what about dating? Does that mean as soon as I know (or think I know) that someone isn't my life partner, I should stop dating them?

What about sex? Does the universe get confused about me being sexually involved with someone that clearly will not be a life partner?

Damn, if I have to choose between The Secret and sex...

Anyone want to buy a slightly used version of The Secret?

Online Dating: The Creep Factor

Maybe I'm being overly sensitive. I'd be interested in your opinion on this.

Yesterday I received the following email in my online dating account:

Ms. (Reallastname),

As beautiful as ever, I see. I was never able to say that to you, but now I can...Please email me at...I'd love to chat and see how you are.

First, let me say that the use of my last name was startling and gave me a creepy feeling from the get-go. It took me several seconds to recognize the person from his photos (you know how online profile pics can be).

So who was it? A former employee of mine. Well actually, he worked for someone that worked for me. I no longer work at that company and neither does he. Nevertheless, being approached in this context, in this manner just gave me the creepiest of feelings.

Am I wrong or was it completely inappropriate for him to contact me like this?

I can't even think about it

Yesterday, when I arrived home, I saw a huge banner draped over the entrance to my neighborhood:

"Welcome Home Commander Schneider"

I began to imagine the circumstances behind that banner. Who hung it? His wife? His kids? His parents? How long has he been gone? What was his experience like? Is he OK? Was he wounded? How were his loved ones able to cope while he was gone? How intensely sweet it must be for them to see him again. To hug him.

I can't quite articulate the feelings I was experiencing in that moment. There was a sharp pain in my heart, and a dull "punch-like" feeling in my gut.

I have been separated from loved ones a few times in my life and the emotional and physical pain can be excruciating. I can't imagine having to worry about whether I will ever see them again. To worry about whether they will survive. To worry about whether they will get hurt. I'm not sure my usual optimism would be powerful enough for an ongoing experience like that.

And I began to get angry. McCain was right the first time- in this case, it's a waste, not a sacrifice.

I guess it pays to be anal retentive...

...or maybe just detail oriented.

I am neither.

I can manage details when I have to, but it's not my natural tendency.

I met with my accountant a couple weeks ago and he gave me a hard time about not organizing my records with enough detail. So I had a bit of a homework assignment this past weekend: going over all of my business expenses, item by item, to see how things shake out.

It's a good thing I did.

I discovered that my primary business credit card had tripled my APR about four months ago. You read that right- tripled it.

Years ago- I had bad credit. It was a direct result of moving from city to city in my twenties, sometimes with less than $100 in my bank account. During those risk-taking times, I actually would live off my credit cards. I spent my early thirties cleaning up the mess. And I determined that the best way for me to stay on time with payments was to set up as many automatic payments as I could.

And that's what I did for this (ahem) nameless credit card.

So fast forward to this past weekend- I immediately get on the phone with customer service to get to the bottom of this. What do I discover? Apparently, about four months ago, my "automatic payment" happened to be less than the minimum amount due. That same amount is usually sufficiently more than the minimum, but I had a couple large business purchases that month.

If I had read the fine print of the information that came with my credit card, I would have discovered that if this ever happened, I would immediately and forever be increased to a "default" APR. Which was triple my usual rate.

So not only was I not adequately aware of this policy, I also didn't notice the change on the last four statements I received. (I typically, just glance down the transactions to see if there's any funky charges...the last section has the rates.)

Here's the kicker: Just by calling customer service and asking what had happened, the customer service agent reversed the rate back to my original. I didn't ask (I was about to)...He just did it. Which makes it seem even more scam-like. It's like they know it's a slimy thing to do, and all you need to do is catch them and they will stop. Ugh! So this $500-plus mistake is enough to motivate me to try a little harder to keep on top of the details.

**Sigh!** Will the growth opportunities never end? :)

Spinster

The other day I met someone that thought I was 9 years younger than I actually am. I'm not sure if they were being generous or sincere, but it felt good anyway. Nope, I'm not a thirty-something anymore. I am firmly embracing my forty-hood. And nope, I haven't been married. And yup, I've had the opportunity, thank you very much. AND- I still plan to get married at some point in the future.

**Gasp!**

But how can that be? Don't you have a better chance of getting attacked by terrorists? Or at least hit by a bus? Haven't you looked at the census numbers? What are the odds? Didn't you know that you are now firmly placed in the category called "Spinster?"

I don't feel old. I don't look old. In fact, when my mom came to visit last week, I took a good, long look at her. She's 62 and I swear she could pass for 50. A good, attractive, 50. In looks and actions. My grandmother turns 86 next week, and doesn't look at day over 70. Again- not just how she looks, but how she lives her life. So hopefully, I have some tough genes and DNA working in my favor as far as remaining youthful.

Back to the subject- Spinster. What an ugly sounding word. Conjures up images of witches- not the good kind. Doesn't seem to fit me, or any of the woman I know that are in my same demographic.

What do they call single men? Bachelors. Do they get a new label when they reach a certain age? No.

I guess I could claim "bachelorette", but I'm too much of a woman to be an "ette" anything...

I looked up "single woman" and "spinster" in the thesaurus (a current 2007 thesaurus), trying to find a more accurate sounding description. This is actually what I found:

old maid, older unmarried woman, bachelor girl, fuddy-duddy, goody-goody, lone woman, maiden, prig, prude, single woman, spinster, unmarried woman,bachelor, batch, celibate, chaste, cherry, eligible, fancy-free, footloose, husbandless, maiden, single, sole, spinster, spouseless, unattached, uncoupled, unhitched, unwed, unwedded, virgin, virginal, widowed,

YIKES!

So the best I could come up with based on the words I could find?

"Eligible Maiden"

Any other suggestions?

Missed Connections

This week, I've had some disjointed thoughts about how difficult it is for people to connect. On a meaningful level. I'm not sure if my perception is accurate, but it feels like it gets harder as we get older- instead of easier.

I'm not talking about meeting people. We often get better at that as we get older. Those that are introverted when they are young sometimes become more extroverted as they get older. Those that are extroverted in their youth, may become more balanced.

I'm referring to developing meaningful relationships. Either as friendships or romantically. A girlfriend and I were just discussing how hard it is to "get people together"...No one wants to commit to anything- everyone has so many other things going on in their lives. Friendships are rarely the priority. Which is OK, I guess-except for those of us that do place a priority on friendship. In the past year, I've met hundreds of new people. Dozens that became good acquaintances. A handful that I felt I could have a true connection with. Yet- establishing that connection and maintaining it is difficult. I don't mean it's difficult emotionally, I mean it's difficult logistically.

On the dating scene, it's confusing because there are so many "agendas" out there. And of course, most people are not forthcoming about their agenda. Some are though- I've been surprised at the number of married men online that are quite clear they are looking for a fling. Not sure why they contact me, though- I make it quite clear what I am looking for. What bothers me most are the ones that pretend. They pretend they are looking for something substantial, when in reality they aren't in that place at all. Or those that hide the fact that they are in a relationship or married. I just don't get that.

My final confusing, disjointed thought on this subject- when I come across someone who is clear and open about their agenda, it can feel weird. I met a man recently that was extremely open with me- what he's looking for and why, his approach in a relationship, his impressions and feelings about me, what he struggles with in relationship etc. And warning bells went off in my head. It felt odd. Not right. And I told him so. Actually, I told him I thought he was "odd". I have no idea why I said it. I didn't mean it as an insult or a compliment- just a statement of my opinion. I think all that "open sharing" rubbed off on me, and before I knew it I said what I thought. It came out sounding like an insult. He was slightly bothered by the statement, but more curious than anything. He wanted to know why I thought that. And I told him.

I figured I would never hear from this man again. But in typical fashion, I was wrong. He called the next day. I'm done trying to figure these things out.