Who Knew that Orlando Could Save Me?

I was nervous about going.

It's been five years since I've visited Orlando. And going there at this time of year (the anniversary of Fred's death) was worrisome. The few times I've visited since moving away in 1996 I have made a point to visit the cemetary. And it's been heart-wrenching each time.

Because of my recent state of mind, I knew it would not be a good idea to visit the cemetary this time. And it made me kind of sad that I wouldn't be "visiting" him.

I was also nervous about this trip because I'd be spending time with former employees of mine. And because I've been so anxious about my business, I've been wondering if I needed to admit defeat and go back to working for a company. And because of things going on with the company these people work for, it was a depressing environment.

So why did my mood strangely take a turn for the better?

I think it was partly because I was productive. I made good contacts. I also closed a contract while I was there. So I was feeling successful. I was feeling optimistic.

I think the clincher came Thursday night. I accompanied a client and two of her employees to City Walk at Universal Studios. We went to Rising Star. Which was basically the fanciest karaoke place I've ever seen in my life!

Huge stage.

Lots of lights.

A live band!

And backup singers/dancers!

Yup. That's right.

Gina and I brought the house down with our rendition of Before He Cheats by Carrie Underwood.

Performing still soothes my soul!

Ahhhh yes. I'm back!

Rejection

I've said it before and I'll say it again- this has been a tough year for me.

I keep getting knocked around. Unexpectedly. From all directions.

And recently I noticed a theme to my hardships: Rejection.

First, it was finally realizing the man I've been in love with for four years will never want me in his life in the way I wanted to be in his life.

Then, I was rejected by a group of people who were unhappy with a job I was doing. Which resulted in losing the project. And the money. And the valuable connection to supportive peers.

Business-wise, things have been tougher than ever. I was rejected by more than one potential client. Usually with no explanation (and sometimes no communication whatsoever).

Stumbling back into the world of dating, I met someone who was not a romantic match. But I thought he was a friendship match. I looked forward to that connection. Only to be told he had no room in his life for my friendship and would prefer to cease all communication.

And finally, I was rejected by someone I barely know. Someone I admired and respected and have wanted to get to know for quite some time. And she managed to do it without speaking to me, emailing me or sending any direct communication whatsoever.

Why is this showing up for me right now?

What else could I possibly have to learn about rejection?

I thought I learned those lessons early. My early acting career certainly exposed me to a lot of rejection. As did high school and college. I've developed a pretty thick skin. And on numerous occasions, I have proven how resilient I am. When I get knocked around, it usually motivates me to action.

As you may know, this is coming in the same year that I've been working on making myself more vulnerable. Expressing myself more. Not being afraid of confrontation. Not being afraid to reach out to someone. Not being afraid to let someone know how I feel about them.

Hmmmm...so far it does not appear to be going very well. Now what's that all about?

Oh- and don't worry. My next post will talk about how things have begun to turn around for me.

It's All About Me

One would think that taking a vacation and leaving the country would be an attempt to "get away from it all". And that is usually correct. But what I've learned is that when I travel, I'm not just going for a vacation, I'm not just interested in seeing new places and experiencing new things...I am apparently seeking some sort of inner transformation.

During this trip it was particularly obvious. I was searching for something and I'm not really sure what that was. What I do know, is that if I didn't go to Croatia, I would have fallen head first into a soul-depleting depression. As it is, I had moments of struggle while I was away.

I was surprised by the issues that hit me square in the face while traveling thousands of miles away from home. The emotional theme for this trip was "insecurity and fear".

First, I was hit with financial panic. An issue I haven't had to deal with in many years. As I've mentioned, I couldn't technically afford to take this trip- I put it on a credit card, something I never do. I had very little cash budgeted for this trip, I was counting on paying it off in the future.

During the second day of my trip, it became apparent that very few places accepted credit cards. And I had access to very little cash. I figured it out and dealt with it, but also had to put up with the anxiety of not feeling financially secure. While on vacation.

Second, the way this trip was set up, the people in our group were spread out- staying in different "villas". And it was difficult to get in touch with each other. I knew one woman on this trip ahead of time, and it turned out another woman was there from last fall's Costa Rica trip. And people seemed to quickly form groups. I was quickly transported back to high school, where I was "accepted" by many social groups, but not intimately involved in any. I found it took a lot of effort to make sure that I didn't spend too much time alone. (I am a slight extrovert- I need to be around people a good amount of time, and I need alone time for a good amount of time as well. If I don't find just the right balance, my energy and mood is directly affected.)

Third, I was more aware of my age and my appearance than I've been in a long time. The group of women I spent the most time with were about 7-10 years younger than me. They were primarily interested in meeting men while we traveled. And for the first time in my life, I felt invisible. In general, I am usually pretty confident about my sensuality, my attractiveness, etc. While I've always wished I could have been more beautiful, I was generally OK with what I've got. For some reason, this trip had me feeling old, unattractive, and fat. The pictures confirm it. It became quite clear that this was something I was going to have to deal with when I got home. I cannot let my attractiveness to men be such a measuring stick for how I'm feeling about myself.

I had an internal storm going on. Thank god I was in such a beautiful place. It was the nature, the water, and my surroundings that kept me from falling. The beauty around me was my drug. I wrote a lot in my travel journal, but I probably learned more about what was happening inside me than I learned about the country of Croatia.

Thoughts on Croatia

Scenery

Breathtaking. Awe-inspiring. The visual beauty of this country is what rendered me speechless. It stirred my emotions, caused me to dig into my soul. Sometimes my eyes were so filled with what I was seeing that I was sad. If that makes sense.

Architecture

The combination of the old and the new was unique and perfect. Inside the walls of Dubrovnik, you really felt like you were walking the marbled streets of a medieval town. I kept expecting to see a knight come walking out of a pub. But often when you peered into a doorway that was in "the wall" what you'd see on the other side was an ultra-modern, hip nightclub or restaurant. Seemingly carved into the side of the wall / mountain...hanging out over the sea.

Water

I haven't been much of a swimmer for many, many years. But the aquamarine clarity of the Adriatic Sea was alluring. I swam every day. I had to. And the water is so filled with salt that it's easy to float or tread water. One afternoon, my friends and I tread water in the middle of the sea for well over an hour. Just enjoying the water.

Beaches

True, they don't have soft, sandy beaches. They are beautiful nonetheless. Some beaches are very rocky. One afternoon, I found this huge boulder that stuck out over the water, and was underneath the shade of a large tree. The boulder was flat enough for me to lay out on it. There I was, with waves crashing around three sides of that boulder. It was paradise. My body melted into that boulder. Each and every knot in my body loosened. Oh, and yes, the beaches are topless. I find this concept intriguing. I know we are considered prudish about such things. And thankfully the women that chose to be topless looked good that way. I did notice it was primarily small-breasted women. There was also a lot of nudity out on the sea. Apparently, most people enjoy nude sunbathing on their boats. And skinny-dipping off the sides of their boats.

Food

It was simple and delicious. Lots and lots of seafood. The best meals I had were one of grilled calamari, and another that was fresh tuna. Lots of pasta and pizza too. They don't seem to have the variety of choices- most restaurants' menus looked the same. But no processed foods- it was all fresh. Seasoned. And served in moderate quantities. Breakfast usually consisted of a pastry. Diet Coke is nowhere to be found (Coke Zero is its replacement). And iced tea is very difficult to find. The people there are half the size of us. It's embarrassing, actually.

Activity

Of course I can't speak to how it is for people who live there. But as a visitor, I was extremely physically active while I was there. They have a LOT of steps. (Since both Hvar and Dubrovnik are at the base of a mountain.) In Dubrovnik, to get from the Old City to my villa, I had to climb 415 steps. I made that climb at least twice a day. By the end of my stay, I only had to stop to rest once. I've kind of become addicted to stairs. And I actually lost some weight on this trip, between the climbing and the healthier eating.

Entertainment

They seem to love their nightclubs. And their house music (or techno music, whatever it's called). They play it constantly, and they play it everywhere. It was one of my few complaints. That non-stop beat that makes each song sound exactly the same. At night, I would attempt to sleep with the double doors of my balcony open (I had an incredible view of the city and the sea), but the boom-boom-boom usually became distracting.

The People

The men are hot. Though as usual, I couldn't find any between the ages of 35 and 50. And they stare boldly into your eyes.

The women are stylish. I love their hairstyles with the heavy bangs. (My travel mates predicted I would soon don such a style since I kept commenting on it.)

Since they often sunbathe nude, they have no tan lines. And some appear older than they are because of how tan they are. And sadly, they smoke a lot. Everywhere.

Speechless.

Hvar and Dubrovnik, Croatia; Bay of Kotor, Montenegro.
I've been home for a week and still have nothing to say. Enjoy.