Say What You Mean

Several weeks ago, I wrote about the "knot" in the pit of my stomach...wondering what caused it. One answer has occurred to me: holding my feelings in and not expressing what I feel.

Of course, when one question is answered, another question appears! So now I wonder...Why is it so difficult for me to express my feelings?

Now, it may be easier to understand why I can't express feelings of anger. I think a lot of people are the same way- anything to avoid conflict! But I also have a tough time letting people know when I'm hurt. Even positive, joyful feelings get muted...I am an "I love you" kind of girl only if my partner is very expressive.

It's not that I can't articulate my feelings. I can pinpoint exactly how I feel, and what I "wish" I could say when speaking to a third party. Also- if the other person initiates the conversation, I'm usually fine and can get my point across pretty thoroughly. It's starting the conversation that's difficult.

As I think back, I can remember moments as a child when I was feeling unhappy. I would send my mother as many non-verbal cues as possible. Stomping around the house, talking back, isolating myself. Sometimes I would go to my room and cry and try to make it just loud enough for my mom to hear. Inevitably, she would come to me and say "What's wrong?" And I would yell a resounding "Nothing!!!" I was secretly hoping she would probe further, but she never did. I began to suspect she didn't really want to know the answer to her question.

I used to have the same communication problem at work, but I overcame it years ago. In my line of work, it was necessary for success. I have to be able to give people feedback...Now I can give constructive feedback on any number of sensitive issues. I've given feedback about personal hygiene, personality traits, performance, personal "image"...you name it. And I've become so good at it, that it's always well received. I have actually terminated people who have thanked me at the end of the conversation. It was my desire to succeed professionally that pushed me to conquer my fears.

I am not making any progress in improving my communication skills in my personal life. In fact, I currently have unexpressed feelings with four people in my life: a family member, a friend, and two very good friends. Instances where my feelings were hurt, or I was angered, or had emotions that were dying to come out.

So guess what happens? As these instances occur, I try to figure out how to handle it. I figure out what I want to say. And I know I am being an unhealthy non-communicator. So I promise myself I'm going to address the issue with the person. Sometimes I write a letter as practice. I think about "conversation-starters" about how to broach the subject. Then I don't do it.

So then I feel guilty.

Now I'm actually left with a "laundry list" of "issues to address". Who needs that?

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

Oh- and here's some irony for you...In college, my major was Theatre with a minor in Communications. :)