From Bra Burning to 'FWB'

What have we done? Or more to the point, what have our older sisters and mothers done? Don't get me wrong, I am very grateful for everything that the leaders of the women's movement did for us in past decades...I can't imagine not having equal opportunities in the world, equal pay, a voice, etc. But what about the dynamic of the man/woman relationship? Have we done any damage there?

Lord knows the sexual revolution and the introduction of the birth control pill have had a direct impact on our lives. Finally, women have been able to be at least a bit more "sexually" equal to men. But have we gone too far?

Women now live a sexual life similar to men. Of course, we are having sex before marriage...and seemingly earlier and earlier in relationships. Women (especially young women in their 20's and 30's) are in the position of portraying a more open and casual attitude towards sex.

It breaks my heart when I see how our teenaged girls are acting more and more sexual, thinking that's what they need to do to get attention. Research studies report that oral sex amongst young teenagers is at an all-time high (which kind of oral sex do you think this refers to?) Do you really think it's because these young girls are anxious to get involved in this activity? Or is it the pressure of getting the attention, the acceptance, and being considered sexual?

OK...no previous generation was "innocent" during their youth, but the pendulum seems to have swung to the extreme. I've wondered recently if women are really exploring their homosexual tendencies more or if it's just portrayed that way in the media. It's the latest, greatest way to be provocative. Like the Madonna/Brittany kiss (a little creepy on multiple levels). It appears that young women have found another way to titillate the boys- dancing suggestively with your girlfriend and kissing passionately. Do these girls really desire to have a lesbian affair? I would say a very small percentage.

We have convinced men that we like sex as much as they do (very true), need satisfaction as much as they do (also true), and in the exact same way that they do (very untrue).

We are ignoring a very important biological fact: women are wired differently than men are. We can pretend that we don't fall more in love with a man after being intimate with him, but it's simply not so. We can tell ourselves that having sex with a man outside of a serious, committed relationship has no negative impact on how he feels about us, but again- that's simply not so.

So I read the many, many blogs of the many, many 20 and 30-something women out there and I am amazed at the number of "friends with benefits" situations are mentioned. Who is benefiting? Yeah, yeah, we can say both- what's wrong with two people who care about each other having some fun? Well nothing. But it seems to me that more often than not, the woman has real feelings for the man and is hoping that this "casual situation" leads to more.

I know I'm doing a lot of generalizing here... I know there is a certain percentage of women out there that are truly able to "date and have sex like a guy". I'm proposing it's a smaller percentage than we are trying to pretend. I'm suggesting that women have been giving up some of their "value" in the man/woman dynamic.

I'm also suggesting that men made out pretty damn well as a result of the women's movement.

How do you place a value on a friendship?

For as long as I can remember, I've often placed a higher value on certain friendships than the other person did. My first friend, let's call her "Lisa", was my best friend from the age of 4 all the way through high school. It was only in high school that I learned that she hadn't been my friend- she was very disloyal and did many hurtful things behind my back, and had been acting that way for years.

I'm not trying to paint a sad picture- I'm simply intrigued by the questions. How do people usually assess how the other person feels about them? For me, it gets to a certain point and I'm incredibly loyal, devoted, etc. The love and the friendship truly become "unconditional". But then, too many times, I learn that the other person hasn't viewed the friendship in quite the same way. They haven't placed the value on it that I have. The nature of the relationship doesn't seem to matter either- it can be a girl friend or a romantic relationship.

In the past, I've tried to assess the value based on gut. Of course, that doesn't work. As I've grown older, I've assessed based on words and actions, but I don't seem to be getting any better at it.

Somewhere along the way, I have lost (or never had) an accurate "compass" for these things. Are most people born with it? Is it learned? Or is it hit or miss for everyone?

Maybe the question is- why assess at all? Why even attempt to put a value on it? My initial reaction to that is because I want to have more friendship/relationships that are closer to 50/50 in feeling and devotion.

Hyperactivity to Clear the Cobwebs?

Strangely enough, after three weeks of high level, energy filled activity (I'm talking physical and intellectual), my mind is clear and calm. Isn't it strange that in such a sensory-overload city I find peace? Anxiety level is low, outlook is positive.

Before leaving home, I was dealing with several major life-transitions. Professionally- struggling with what to do next...what will bring me fulfillment yet enable me to make the kind of money I need? Emotionally- dealing with an upcoming "big birthday" and trying to figure out how I feel about it...what is my place in the world and what does it mean? Romantically- well, no comment, but let's just say this area wasn't helping matters any!

I actually think taking this "time out" has been helpful. I feel like I have found answers. I feel content and settled.

I'm ready for my next big adventure!!!!!

Torn between two cities...

Well...not really! DC all the way for me.

I had a business obligation in DC that required a brief, yet intense 24 hour visit. I spent the extra dollars to take the Acela Express, since I enjoy the luxury of the ride. I arrived early at Penn Station- it was crowded and hectic as usual. The train was delayed, and it was clearly overbooked. The train took off even before everyone took a seat. So I was maneuvering down the aisles trying to find an empty seat while balancing luggage and trying not to fall over.

Three hours later I got off the train at Union Station and as I entered the station I breathed a sigh of relief. Ah! Yes! Look at how beautiful it is! How sparkling clean! I never really fully apreciated Union Station's beauty before, but now in stark contrast to Penn Station, it struck me. I love the cleanliness of our city, the beauty, the space, the green, the trees.

Less than 24 hours later, I was back on the streets of New York. Exhausted. As I approached the block where I'm staying, a man standing on the corner with a few friends calls out to me "Just the way I like it- pretty in the face and thin in the waist- hey there gorgeous."

I had to laugh. Gotta love New York.

How many more days until I can go home?

Things I'm loving about NYC...

• Everything is walking distance from my apartment
• "Create-a-Salad" is everywhere
• You can have anything delivered, at any time
• My office on the 75th floor of the Empire State building with its amazing view
• You can see theatre any day of the week
• Knee-high, brightly colored, rubber rain boats the girls wear when it rains
• Eyelash extensions- who knew? Must have been born in Hollywood
• It only took about a half day before I was mistaken as a New Yorker- people keep asking me for directions
• Every kind of spa treatment imaginable
• Watching the diversity of fashion on the streets
• Everyone's lifestyle is "alternative"
• Young men with crisp, tailored white shirts untucked over jeans
• The sky isn't black at night-it's lit up from the lights below
• The adrenaline rush
• Knowing I'm not a permanent resident

Rewriting the Program

If we are programmed from birth, or even before birth...to be a certain way, to act a certain way, to believe certain things, then how to we rewrite the program if it's not working for us?

When we make intellectual decisions to change...how do we make the transition to changing it in our heart and in our soul?

If I have desires that are literally stamped on my soul- how do I make myself not want that anymore?

I can imagine the person I wish I was. I can see myself loving my life as it is. I can see it- I just can't feel it.

DC vs NYC

It will be interesting to live in a different place for a little while. I’m sure that I will do quite a bit of DC vs. NYC comparison. I also can’t wait to see if it’s different living in New York now that I’m older, wiser, more financially secure, and single! (Much different than the first time!)

During my 20’s I did a lot of moving around. Maybe it was running away, I’m not sure. I just know that I was constantly longing for more. The only time that I truly felt a part of the city I lived in was when I lived in Orlando. It was a great place to be young, poor, and single. Weather was perfect, people were active and fit and enjoying the outdoors. It was a good place to test out new careers. I embraced the lifestyle and in general, it suited me.

Many people complain about being single in DC. I disagree completely. I’m not sure if that’s because the city is any better for single life, or if I’m at an age where I’ve become more comfortable with it.

I haven’t felt like I’m a true DC resident. I’m not particularly political, I don’t work for the government, I only considered being a lawyer for about a minute in college, and I’ve never been an intern. I don’t believe in 80 hour work weeks, I don’t get caught in the mixing bowl or the bridge traffic, and I rarely take the metro. However, I’ve found it relatively easy to meet people of both sexes. Perhaps because so many other people are transient and open to meeting new people. That wasn’t the case in Texas- the Texans were hesitant to have outsiders join their social circles so I usually had to find other “transients” to connect with.

I doubt that I will decide over the next month or so that I should leave DC to move to NYC. I feel a connection to DC… a physical connection to the geography. The big, old trees, the hills, the climate, the relative nearness to the ocean. I think the only thing that could possibly lure me away would be something closer to the ocean with an even better climate. Or…maybe a really hot guy. ;)

The Appeal of a (Wise) Woman

I read a blog post yesterday that really brought back memories. It was written by one of the many 20-something single female bloggers. She was intensely frustrated and angry about the men she was meeting- they were consistently hitting on her, and somehow it was in a way that showed her they were only interested in sex. Apparently, she's not really looking for or wanting a relationship at the moment, but she's simply tired of men approaching her in this way. I also thought it was interesting that she said that of all the men she's known, only 3 of them were interested in her for who she is, and not just for sex.

This brought back memories for me. I had very similar feelings when I was her age. I was living in Manhattan, and I remember being downright disgusted by the type of attention I received from men. I felt violated by the way they looked at me, by the way they spoke to me, by the way they approached me. My experience in NY led me to lead a "no eye contact" life- one that has followed me to the current day, I think.

Now- 15 years later, I have a different perspective. I'm not sure how I (or this current female blogger) could be so sure as to a man's overall intentions. I've learned that many men... bad guys, creepy guys, normal guys, nice guys, incredible guys...can't really help it if their first response to a woman is sexual. Of course some are better at hiding it than others. But often, if a man is too good at hiding it, they don't really get anywhere with a woman. They are in danger of being in "friend mode" or labeled the "nice guy".

I've known men that have been interested in me as a person- emotionally, intellectually etc. That didn't stop them from approaching me in a more physical sense. And sometimes if I didn't know better, I would have thought they were only interested in one thing. It usually took a little bit of time to find out. I'm not referring to those that say or do offensive things. I'm referring to the ones that you meet that have that extra spark or hunger in their eyes.

I wanted to tell the female blogger to enjoy her appeal, enjoy the attention, and just continue to be selective about who she chooses to spend her time with. I wanted to tell her that while the attention will continue for many years to come, it lessens and it changes. I wanted to tell her to give these 20-something boys a break- they can't help it if their approach is immature and obvious.

Then I remembered that if anyone had said any of those things to me when I was in my 20s, I would have been horrified.

'Infinite Connections'. If we think of the number of people that cross our paths throughout our lives, it may be a high number- but it's a finite number. The 'infinite' part comes into play when you look at the connections ever made by any person that ever lived. Again...also finite...but you get what I mean. A very complex web of interconnection.

The most complex of those connections probably involve those caused by love.

I do not plan on creating something filled with hearts and flowers or warm fuzzies. I want to create a blog where I can write about topics that fascinate me. It's also a bit of a test- what thoughts or ideas are worth sharing with others? Is it possible to learn more about myself and about life by putting words out into the universe? Not sure, we'll see.

I am utterly fascinated by the topics of love, friendship and relationship. How and why we interact with each other. What makes it good and what makes it bad. In my last post I mentioned the concept of 'unconditional love'. Why would unconditional love give me an excuse to give less to a relationship? Well, sometimes if I don't call when I should, if I'm not there for them in the way that I could be, or if I don't live up to some sort of obligation, on some level I think I feel "well, they love me no matter what". I'm not proud to share that- and I've only recently realized it. But that's something I want to change.

If there is obligation or expectation involved I have a natural tendency to pull away. If love is unconditional- like with parents, family, very close friends, then why is there even a feeling of obligation? If there is an expectation of behavior in a relationship, doesn't that mean a condition has been placed on it?

For me, I think the answer is looking at the times when I get that feeling of obligation and want to pull away. I think I need to figure out if the feeling comes from the other person, or if it's my own perception I need to change. I suspect it's something that comes from me...probably born from shame and guilt. Which of course is another topic altogether.