A Parallel Life

Each of us spends time trying to create the life we want. Sometimes we get it, sometimes we don't. One of the things that makes it difficult at times is that in many cases there are paths we choose that eliminate the possibility of other paths.

When I talk to friends and acquaintances that are married or have children, sometimes dreams and desires are mentioned. I'll say something naive like "That would be a great thing to do!" (like worldwide travel, starting a brand new dream career, spending money to make a radical change in appearance etc.) Often, their response is "Uh, yeah, maybe in an alternate universe." Apparently some things aren't feasible when you have chosen a particular life path.

When I was in Spain, I had the "aha" moment that I have such incredible freedom in this regard- I haven't really chosen a path that has limited me from other paths.

Or have I?

When I think about it further, I actually have made some choices. I am positioning myself in such a way to prepare for the potential of a particular life choice. Meaning, I have created the right amount of stability, and the right amount of sociability to make it possible to meet someone and make the "marriage and family" choice. I guess even when I'm not really looking for that, it's a slight assumption somewhere in me that it will, indeed, happen.

I've also made choices about my lifestyle. I own a home. I'm used to having a certain amount of discretionary income. A certain amount of luxury for myself. A certain amount of financial security. This is a path that could limit my choices of other paths.

Last week, I was talking to my friend Suzy and she verbalized exactly what I had been thinking lately: "Sometimes I think that if marriage and family aren't in the cards for me, maybe I should go to the other extreme and create an entirely different kind of life for myself."

I knew what she meant. And I started to daydream: If I knew for sure that the "traditional path" was not in the cards for me, what kind of life would I want?

I have a pretty good idea of what it would be:

I would move around to new, exciting places like I did when I was younger.

I would travel all over the world.

I would pursue multiple career choices, simultaneously.

I'd get back into acting and performing.

I would get my MBA.

I would date men that I enjoy regardless of their suitability for a long term partnership.

In a few years, I would adopt a child of my own.

My first response when thinking this is, "Duh- what's stopping you from doing these things?"

Exactly! So I think what is happening is that I am now in pursuit of my parallel life. Why did I wait so long? (Confession? Fear. I was afraid that if I became too "footloose and fancy free", I wouldn't be in one spot long enough to find my mate, and my Plan A life. I'd make "in the moment" dating decisions and spend time with men that don't want the same Plan A.)

That fear is diminishing. Bring on the alternate universe!!

So I'm curious about you. If you could have a Parallel life with the one you have now, what would it be? Or, if you can't have the life you are trying to create, what sort of life would you want?

Scary

A really close friend of mine was attacked last night. She called me this morning on my cell phone and didn't leave a message- which isn't quite like her. When I called her back, I was horrified to hear her story.

Last night, she was on a date with a new guy. I'm not sure if it was the first or second date, but it was definitely an early date. They met up in a very popular Shopping Centre, and at the end of the date she drove him to his car that was parked far away in the parking lot.

They sat in her car for a little while (a convertible with the top down), talking some more, and kissing a bit. She "sort of noticed" two men wandering around the parking lot. What was odd about them was the way they were dressed: black caps, black turtlenecks, black jeans. She actually thought they were cops, and jokingly said to her date "the cops are going to get us if we don't stop kissing and just say goodnight!" But she wasn't concerned enough to have any extra warnings going off in her head.

Out of nowhere, the two men rushed the car. One on one side and the other on the other. The man on the driver's side was trying to lift my friend out of the car- grabbing her by the face and the neck. She screamed as loud as she could. She was wearing four inch stiletto heels and was somehow able to get her feet in the air and kicked and kicked and kicked- for her life.

Her date at some point got out of the car, and the attacker on his side essentially beat him to a pulp. He was repeatedly kicked in the back and the face.

The attackers did not share their intentions. They did not ask for the car or their wallets or their belongings. Both my friend and her date truly felt that the attackers wanted them. My friend honestly thought she was about to die. She thought of her children and was overcome with sadness in the midst of trying to fight for her life.

Yes, people heard their screams. She said people pulled up in their cars but didn't get too close. She could see them on their cell phones. Since she and her date didn't stop screaming, and people seemed to be hearing them, eventually the two attackers ran off.

Twenty minutes later the cops arrived. (This is in a very popular residential/shopping/dining area, too.) And they didn't treat my friend very well. No real compassion or empathy. I've seen that before when I was involved in a violent crime. I'm not sure how well cops are trained to handle traumatized victims.

I'm concerned for my friend. She is clearly in shock- she hasn't shed a tear, claims she feels "disconnected". She was afraid to stay home alone last night. When she woke up this morning she had that anxiety feeling in her stomach- that feeling that nothing will ever be quite the same again. She forced herself to go into work because she didn't want to sit home alone and think about it all day. She has no desire to see the date again, and feels guilty as hell about that. (He went to the hospital and is essentially OK.) She keeps seeing flashes of the men running towards the car and can't seem to get that image out of her head. I'm trying to encourage her to see a professional to try to minimize any post-traumatic stress that could happen.

Thank God that she is physically OK. That she survived. My friend is grateful for that too. Apparently that makes it a little complicated too- the whole "why am I so upset, it could have been much worse" issue. It's almost like she feels guilty about being so upset about what happened.

Yes- bad things happen to people. But it seems like we should all be better at handling it when it happens to someone else. The cops. The witnesses. Had she called me, I would have been there in a heartbeat. Her daughter fortunately was able to go get her and stay with her.

It has come to mind that while I am extremely cautious when I'm alone or with a girlfriend, I have a tendency to completely relax if I am with a man. I know it doesn't make logical sense, but it's what happens. Can't do that anymore. When can we relax? At home? In broad daylight? In a crowd? Being cautious and careful can be draining. And stressful. And sometimes fruitless.


I'm not sure what my point is with this post. I just know I feel sad and angry. I feel like the word "why" has been going through my head a lot lately.

One man's porn is another man's...what?

During a recent trip to Vegas, I came across a really cool, fun-looking store called Bettie Page's clothing. It was filled with 50's style dresses and shoes. Gorgeous pinup pics of Bettie adorned the walls. I absolutely love that look. Glamourous, stylish, sexy without being trampy. It was a great time in fashion and the retro theme of the store was kitschy and fun.





I was vaguely aware of who Bettie Page was. I knew she was a glamourous pinup girl. I think I thought she represented a fiesty spirit, and the very beginnings of sexual freedom and expression. And I probably knew that she did some topless and perhaps nude pics. So when I saw that my on-demand cable included the movie "The Notorious Bettie Page", I thought I'd check it out.





I don't think I knew about her fame involving bondage, fetish, and domination pictorials and movies. But even those were pretty tame by today's standards.





What struck me about Bettie was her sense of innocence and naivete. While I'm not sure how accurate the movie was, she was portrayed as being very sweet and well-intentioned. Often not really understanding the meaning of the pictures she was posing for. "They're just costumes, we're just play-acting!" She says when her boyfriend questions her about her bondage pictures.





I was saddened to learn that Bettie was molested as a young girl and gang raped as a young woman. So instead of being some sexually free, devil-may-care, glamour girl, it turned out she was more like a cliche.





Part of the movie focused on congressional hearings that were attempting to determine whether or not the pictures and movies Bettie was featured in were considered "smut". The answer turned out to be "yes". At one point, an expert witness claimed that such pictures could "pervert the minds of young people" creating "sexual deviance".





When I thought about the types of pictures, movies etc. that are available today, I found it interesting that there was such an uproar over such mild material. How did the porn industry push past that? The subject matter got me thinking about recent posts from media concepts and jamy, both pointing out the apparent acceptance of pornography.





So my questions are: Is porn becoming more mainstream? And is that a good thing?





In many ways this country is sexually repressed. For starters, we're a bit uptight about nudity. As a recovering Catholic, I experienced first hand how guilt, shame, and repression are the mantra of sex education. Of course, I'm not sure the Catholic Church is the right place to learn anything about sex. But I digress.





The subject matter in porn is definitely escalating. Is there a topic that isn't explored in some sexual context? And it does make me nervous and concerned. I'm not a prude by any means, but how do you draw the line between sexual titillation for enhanced arousal or entertainment, and more unusual themes that play on feelings of violence or pedophilia? And how can you possibly censor part of it? Isn't it kind of like trying to close Pandora's box?





My concern about escalation started when I saw Bettie's bondage/domination pictures and wasn't phased by them in the least. I wasn't even sure I was looking at something "X" rated. So if someone is seeking excitement and arousal from something like porn, don't their tastes escalate? Don't they reach a point of insatiation with a certain theme and therefore move onto the next theme? Now this may be absolutely OK- harmless and fun even- for a normal, sound, healthy mind. But what about those that aren't that sound or healthy?





I think I've heard conflicting reports, studies, etc. about the influence of porn on criminal activity. I'm not sure that it's proven that pornography leads to rape, violence or pedophilia. But how can it not, really? If someone is viewing certain images over and over and over again, wouldn't that increase their desire for it, and motivate them to achieve it?





Last month, I was walking down the streets of Manhattan. There was a group of young schoolgirls walking in front of me. They were wearing private school uniforms- short, accordian pleated skirts, button up blouses, knee-hi's and flats. And I was taken aback at how they looked. They looked exactly like the "sexy schoolgirl" costumes that are so popular at Halloween, in movies, etc. They were 12, 13, maybe 14 years old...and they looked sexy. They weren't trying to. But their uniforms have been equated to something sexual. I took notice of how the men on the street responded to them. It was clear that the men thought they looked sexy as well. It made me sad.





I guess the argument could be that we can't censor freedom of speech and expression for the masses because of what a disturbed few may do. But I wonder, is that "disturbed few" growing? Is it really such a tiny minority? Does Dateline run out of predators to catch? Aren't missing young women and children becoming more common every week?





So how do we become a more sexually healthy society without exacerbating our other dangerous issues? How can we support sexual adventure and exploration, yet limit the ways we express it? Do we just keep pushing the envelope and expect each person to have responsibility for their own self control? Is it a risk we can (continue to) take?

But I'm supposed to...

Over the last few weeks I've had separate conversations with different
people about relationships. It has appeared to me that we've gotten a bit off track. I have spoken to single people, people in relationships, and a few married people as well. And it's not that I set out to do some sort of research project- it's a topic that has just naturally come up.

What have I observed? Single people hate the dating process. Men think women have it easier, women think men have it easier. People in relationships have anxiety over "where is it going". Married people are working through the issues and disagreements.

But the common thread I'm seeing is everyone's struggle with what they are "supposed to" do. Or "supposed to" have. Or how their boyfriend is "supposed to" act. Either they are frustrated that they can't make it happen the way it's "supposed to" or else they even feel guilty if they don't truly want what they are "supposed to".

I have been guilty of this in the past. By focusing on what I'm "supposed to" have, I have made the mistake of not enjoying the moment. Not relishing the present. Last night, I had a wonderful dinner with a friend that is in a new relationship. She knows beyond the shadow of a doubt, that this is a summer fling (that may at most last until fall), and yet she is able to fully enjoy it and be content with it. I was so happy to see her healthy outlook- in the past when I have had similar experiences, I couldn't enjoy it. Once I knew that the relationship wasn't going to go where it was "supposed to", it took most of the joy out of it.

Recently, I've been on a quest. I'm trying to give up the pressure of "supposed to". I'm trying to let go of outcomes. I'm working on accepting (and enjoying) people, relationships, situations as they are. And I've gotta tell 'ya- so far I'm having a blast!