The Hap-Happiest Season of All

I'm always optimistic and full of hope at this time of year. I must be a sucker for all the "start fresh" propaganda related to the New Year.

I checked my blog post from last year, to see what I was hoping for in 2007. Here's what I said:

My wishes:
...to strengthen my relationships with my family
...that my business continues to build momentum, and starts to take on a more defined shape
...to find my partner, a Great Love, that will stick this time

Well, two out of three ain't bad! It's quite good, actually.

I think my wishes for 2008 are to continue along the same lines as those listed above, with one addition:

...to find a way to give back, to volunteer, to make a difference somehow.

Happy New Year to all of YOU!

Get ready for a GREAT 2008- full of happiness, good health, and prosperity!

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

... and I survived! Another holiday at my parents' with my entire family. (Mom, Dad, three brothers, two sisters-in-law, and six nephews and nieces between the ages of 3 to 10. And that's not counting the extended family!)

Here I am, at 41 years old, feeling that maybe I've finally grown up. I was able to enjoy being with family without getting all my emotional hot buttons pushed. I was able to see our dysfunctional elements and not feel stressed about it (mostly- I still felt mild annoyances from time to time.)

I really think that the letter I wrote to my parents helped. I mentioned in my last post that I intended to write them a letter saying all the things I would like them to know. And I wanted it to be full of love, and appreciative, and thankful.

So on the first day of my stay with them, I sat in their living room and wrote it out on my laptop. I struggled slightly- sometimes it was hard to keep the "yeah, but's" out of the letter. But I did it- I wrote about all the things I love about my parents, the things I appreciate. I told them a little about my life and how happy I am with it. I explained why I felt that we were sometimes distant. Some of the things I wrote surprised me, because I don't usually spend a lot of time thinking about the positive aspects of my parents. I was happy with the outcome of the letter and decided to give it to them as part of their Christmas present.

Then, surprisingly, I had trouble actually finding the right time to give it to them. I decided I couldn't give it to them during the entire family gift exchange. And each time I thought about handing it to them, I found I felt anxious and nervous. That just figures. Still struggling with how difficult it is for me to express emotions. It's a good thing it was in writing, because I never would have been able to say these things verbally.

I finally decided to give them the letter as they headed off to church on Christmas morning. And I was a little bit nervous the entire time they were gone. When I heard the garage door opening when they returned, I felt nervous butterflies in my stomach. I'm not sure why- it's not that I thought the response would be negative. But I was uncomfortable about having to face any type of response.

My mom came up the stairs, gave me a hug, and thanked me for the letter. She said "I needed that." She had read the letter in the car. My father asked her to read it aloud, and she couldn't. So he read the letter separately when they got home. He never said anything about it to me, but I didn't think he would.

And I felt lighter.

One More Day

I'm sure the book, For One More Day, by Mitch Albom was great. The made-for-tv movie was mediocre. But it got me thinking anyway.

In case you don't know the overall premise, the lead character is down on his luck, contemplating suicide. Somehow, he gets the opportunity to spend one more full day with his mother who passed aways years before.

The author, Mitch Albom, said his own (very much alive) mother inspired this story. He thought about what he would do if he knew he only had one day with his mom. What would he say?

The idea got me thinking. What would I do if I had one more day with loved ones that have passed away?

Going one step further- if I knew I had only one day with my mom and dad, how would I spend that time? What would I want them to know? Would I want things to be left as they are right this moment?

The answer to that last question is no.

And so my project begins: I am drafting two "one more day" letters, one for each of my parents. I have no idea what I will say, or if I will ever give it to them. I'm just going to let the words flow and see what happens.

An Hour on Mars is Equal to a Whole Day on Venus

Have you ever noticed that men and women have a different sense of time?

What's that all about?

It actually took me many years to learn this interesting fact. I first noticed it in the world of dating...When I would expect a phone call "right away", the man would typically wait a few days.

"Talk to you soon" usually means in the next day or two for women...for men, it means sometime in the next week. Maybe.

Then I noticed the phenomenon in relationships. I can think of an instance when I had a pretty bad argument with a man I was dating. As far as I was concerned, he was clearly at fault (I'm sure his version is different). The time challenge was in the making-up process. I fully expected a phone call later that same night. An apology, a conversation, whatever. The call came several days later (maybe even as many as four or five). Those days dragged on for me- it was torture. And when he called, he said he was so sorry about what happened "the other night".

The other night? You mean, last week?

I've been in the role of supportive friend for many a girlfriend when she "hasn't heard from him". A few weeks ago, a friend was worried about her relatively new relationship because she had sent him an email and hadn't heard back from him yet. "When did you send it?" I asked. "Around noon." She says.

"Today? It's only four o'clock!"

"Yeah, but he usually responds right away."

Sigh.

Then there is the issue of taking time to make plans. I know men became frustrated years ago when women started following some weird rules about making weekend plans by Wednesday. But as weird as it sounds, there's a reason- so we won't have to wait those extra few days to find out if we have a date that weekend.

"Extra few days" on Mars is an eternity on Venus.

I do have some evidence that Martians seem to adjust to Venusian time when they are in love. When a man loves me, I notice that I don't have to wait for his call. I don't have to wait for him to make plans to see me again. It happens in sync with my own timeline. It's a great feeling!

The question I still haven't figured out yet- Is it fair to expect "in love" behavior when you are in the early stages of dating? Especially when you don't know how you feel about him?

Yeah- so much for my vow to not turn this into a dating blog! Ugh!

Strong of Body

Somewhere along the line I developed the belief that I was not very physically strong. And that I had very little stamina.

I think it began in elementary school when we used to take those physical fitness tests. I was never able to keep up- I couldn't do a lot of sit-ups or push-ups, I was a slow runner, and forget climbing those ropes to the ceiling! Ugh!

One of the great things about my Costa Rica vacation is the fact that I have developed a renewed appreciation for my body. I pushed myself further than I usually do; I took risks I never have considered before. The hikes I went on were more strenuous than I'm used to, repelling down 195 foot waterfalls would typically seem outside my capability.

Forget about climbing the ropes in gym class? When I was ziplining dozens of feet in the air, I had to pull myself to safety more than once- the same hand over hand, upper body strength I assumed I never had.

Strangely enough, taking an ATV through the mountain trails of Tambor ended up being the most strenuous activity of the trip. At one point, it took my entire body strength to keep the darn thing from flipping over- on top of me.

The lesson for me is that I should challenge the pre-conceived ideas I have about myself. Nothing is written in stone, right?

*the above pictures were taken just before I was literally bounced out of the raft into the very rough rapids. I handled it fine, my swimming is still strong! My raft-mates just complained that it was harder to pull me in because I was laughing hysterically the entire time.

Just when I thought I've heard it all...

When it comes to online dating, I do a lot of screening before I even get to the first phone conversation. As I mentioned in my previous post, when physical chemistry has been removed from the equation, I am able to make good rational decisions about whether or not something would work well for me. By the time I have a phone conversation with someone that I've met online, I'm usually about 90% sure I want to meet them in person at some point.

Not the case last night.

Joe and I had been exchanging emails for a few days and we were finally able to connect via phone. On paper, things seemed promising, as they often do. He's in his mid-40's, never been married but wants to be, wants a family, seemed like he had an adventurous spirit, and his pictures weren't bad either.

The conversation started in the usual way- small talk and pleasantries. It didn't take him long to start bragging...he told me about the boat he owns, the "A-list black tie events" he likes to attend every couple of months. Apparently the one he attended last week is going to be televised and I really should watch it.

I'm not a fan of this kind of posturing, but decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and keep talking. Eventually the conversation turned to the subject of marriage and family (I certainly didn't bring that up). He mentioned the fact that as he's gotten older, he decided that things need to move more quickly when trying to find a partner- if something is good, you should take the risk. I found that interesting, because I feel the same way.

I didn't realize he was simply paving the way for a different conversation.

He asked me the usual "how come you've never married?" question, and I gave some partially true answer. Then he asked "Do you regret that you never had children?" Again, I gave my honest answer, "Yes. How about you?"

To which he replied, "Well, I'm still fertile."

Notice the emphasis on "I'm". I was so blown away and shocked that all I could say was "Well, so am I."

His response? "How do you know?" As my vision became blurry and the steam came out of my ears, I simply sat there with my mouth gaping open. He went on and on to tell me he knew he was fertile because he's been tested...blah blah blah. I simply gave "mmhmm's" in response. No I didn't get off the phone, at this point I felt like this was an argument that I couldn't simply walk away from.

You'll never guess where he takes the conversation next. He tells me that when he turned 40, he decided to do the "younger woman" thing, and started dating 22 year olds. He did this because he wanted to have sexual adventures, and the younger generation is much more sexually adventurous than our generation. But that only worked for the short term. He knows that the really young women are what most men want, but for him it was really tough. (awww!) So he decided that women in their 40's were OK.

Yes- he said "OK".

At this point, I'm no longer offended by this man. I am truly amused. This garbage is not coming from some frat boy in a bar just before closing time- it's coming from a successful, supposedly intelligent, middle-aged man. This is hysterical!!!

So then, he says "I have a scenario for you. You and I get together to meet and go for a ride on my boat. We really hit it off and we're attracted to each other. How far would you be willing to take things?"

HAHAHA! I can hardly contain my laughter. I say, "Well, for starters, I would never be alone on a boat with a man I don't know."

So then we have a discussion about risk-taking. My own apparent lack of. (Those of you that know me can now join me in the hysterical laughter.) I attempt to discuss the idea of risk taking while still keeping an eye on personal safety. This concept completely went over Joe's head. He actually said that I should feel comfortable as long as it's a white collar professional. He tells me I'm "missing out" in life because of "all my caution".

I ask him "If you are just trying to find out about the possibility of first-date sex, why don't you just say so?"

So now Joe explains why this is important to him. He needs to know if someone is as "wild" as he is, and if there is "sexual compatibilty" upfront. Since he wants to move quickly to find a partner- why waste time? Why not find out sooner than later? He says his best relationships began quickly in this way.

At this point, I'm openly laughing at him.

And he says, "Well I guess I am right about you- you are repressed."

Nice try, Joe. Does this approach actually work for him? Does he think that an intelligent woman of substance would respond to this approach? Or perhaps he just wants a woman that responds to these manipulative, subtle jabs. And doesn't care whether she's insecure or damaged in some way.

In wrapping up the conversation, he says to me "The ball is in your court. I've been completely honest with you- you just have to let me know if you'd like to get together."

Yeah. Apparently my repression (and my sarcastic laughter) did not discourage him.

"I guess I have to think about it, Joe. Typically, when I'm looking for a sexual partner to help me explore all my deepest, darkest fantasies- I prefer someone who is more graceful in his approach."

Then I hung up.

Master Dater

You'd think I'd be an expert by now. That I would have my Ph D in dating. After all, I've been doing it for a little over 25 years now. That's right- a quarter of a century. Besides, I'm an over-achiever...I don't usually stick with something for too long unless I really master it.

Here's a quick summary: I've had one relationship that lasted over seven years, two that were approximately two years long. At least eight that lasted six months. A bunch that barely reached the three month mark.

Let's not even talk about the first dates that never turned into second dates.

I've lived with two men, and been engaged three times. I've been head over heels in love three times. Not necessarily the same three.

So I should have this down by now, right?

In reality, I think I may be no better at this now than I was at the age of sixteen. OK, that may be a slight exaggeration- I like to use hyperbole when making a point.

The biggest issue that I still struggle with is the ability to make my own choices. It's interesting to know that someone that is ridiculously independent in all other areas of her life, is unable to determine what she wants when it comes to romantic relationships.

It starts with the fact that I am rarely truly, physically attracted to someone. And when I am, it's even more unusual for it to be full-blown chemistry. So when I'm out dating, it's easy for me to say "Not for me" when I don't feel that chemistry. And it's easy for me to look at a list of traits and attributes and determine if it's what I want/need in my life.

The kicker is when there is chemistry. And why there is chemistry. Of course there has to be some physical appeal, but more than that there has to be some sort of longing. His for me. If the man truly wants me, and I am reasonably attracted to him, it quickly turns into full blown chemistry.

At that point, it's pretty much over for me. Once I feel that chemical attraction, I am unable to determine how I truly feel about that person. Or maybe it's more accurate to say, I am unable to act on those feelings. I leave it up to the man to set the pace...to lead the way...to determine what will happen in the relationship. This is a ridiculous, weak, embarrassing trait for a supposedly intelligent, secure woman.

My current situation is a good example of this. My list of things that I don't really like about him has grown since probably our second or third date. Everyone that knows me, knows I'm looking for a long-term partner. I've known for weeks that the man I'm dating isn't it. So do I end it? No. I figure "well, you never know." Why? Because there's great chemistry there. Because I figure maybe I should get used to dating someone who has kids.

If he pulls away, instead of using that as a good time to end things, I keep it going. I think "well, it's not like I dislike him. I like hanging out with him. And flirting with him. And kissing him. So let's just have a good time for now."

So do I treat it like a casual thing? No, not really. I treat it like it has future potential. And when he puts in extra effort to show interest, I splash a little cold water on it. I tell him I'm high maintenance, that I have high expectations, I am hard to please, and I cause drama in relationships when I get bored. (Most of those things aren't true, but a couple of them used to be.)

Damn- maybe I'm not any better at this than I was at 16.