No Urgency

I have some bad news for the over 40 single women out there. We have our work cut out for us.

I think I have met / talked to / befriended / dated enough men over 40 to come to some general conclusions. (warning: cynicism ahead)

But here's the truth:

They have no real, compelling reason to settle down with any one of us.

Think about it...why does a man choose to commit to one woman?

Love?

They've had that. At least a couple times. So it would have to be over-the-top amazing to even register on the radar.

Sex?

They can get that whenever they want. Thanks to our "sexual liberation" and the fact that we participate in casual sexual relationships.

Companionship?

Maybe. But this is easily solved through serial dating or serial monogamy. They can spend intense, quality time with a woman...and then move on and do the same with the next woman. Hiking, biking, nights out, trips, dinners, movies...yada yada...You don't need one woman to do all that.

Friendship?

Men over 40 often have a very established social circle. They have guy friends they can do things with on any night of the week. They have lots of female friends that they can bond with whenever they have emotional needs to be filled.

Family?

Many of the over 40 men don't want kids. Or if they do, they aren't going to look to us to provide them. And if they have kids, they already have a family and all the obligation that goes with it.

Bottom Line...

By now they have dated dozens of fabulous, smart, beautiful, accomplished, sweet, sexy, fun, women. An intriguing VARIETY. Mostly amazing. Why would they choose one? How could they choose one? How could one woman excite, fascinate, and enthrall them enough to choose one?



OK...cynical, bitter, rant is over. It's a beautiful day out there!

Abundance vs. Scarcity

I am generally a pretty positive, optimistic person. I'm not sure you can tell this if you only know me from my blog. But it's true. I always believe there's something good around every corner. Endless opportunities. Infinite potential for happiness.

Life is Abundant.

When it comes to my love life however, I have a difficult time maintaining this outlook. And I've noticed some gender differences in this case.

When it comes to love and relationships, women often approach it with an attitude of scarcity.

Men more often approach it with an attitude of abundance.

We often feel like we will never find anyone like this ever again. This was possibly our last chance. It took forever to find this one...can I wait forever to find the next?

They don't seem to worry about that in the slightest. They are quick to pronounce that timing isn't right, this person isn't right, circumstances aren't right. They are confident they will get another chance...that there are plenty of fabulous, beautiful, smart, engaging women out there.

And they are usually right.

The men I've known with the "abundant outlook" on dating...are still dating. One after another after another.

The men I've known who were a bit more worried about scarcity- who felt extremely lucky when they found love...are married.

The challenge is what the scarcity outlook does to women...it makes us fearful...we make bad decisions...we appear desperate. I think someone with an abundant outlook is much more attractive. They exude confidence, happiness.

Damn it, I need to figure out a way to convince myself that love is abundant!

Mid-Life Crisis...Feminine Style

I've always been out-of-sync with my age. As a young child, I often preferred to be with adults over kids my age. I didn't like cartoons. I read a lot when it wasn't cool.

In high school I dated older boys and didn't participate in some of the coming-of-age rituals like prom.

In college, I was more focused on discovering my new love of the theatre and acting, and I avoided sororities, parties, and really letting loose. During a time when I could have been "playing the field", I had a long term relationship that lasted throughout most of my twenties.

After college, when my contemporaries were pursuing their careers and beginning their lives, I lived in Daytona Beach and discovered all night parties, drug experimentation, and short term flings.

When my friends were getting married and having babies, I was moving around the country and up the corporate ladder.

Finally, in my early-mid thirties, I began to get serious. I've lived in this area for about ten years, I purchased my first house, I launched my own business.

I've dated like a fiend, and have had more than my share of love affairs.

The last few years, I've begun to feel restless. I thought about moving again. I resisted because it feels harder to uproot this time: my home is here, most of my friends are here.

But the restlessness is growing. Gnawing at me on a weekly basis. I think that is why I've taken FIVE vacations this year.

And my behavior is regressing.

I've taken up social drinking again after years of abstinence. I party more often, and have more men in my life now than when I was in my twenties.

And the idea of a hook-up is not as foreign to me now as it would have been just a few short years ago.

I went to Dewey Beach for the first time this past weekend and experienced a culture I haven't been involved in since I lived in Daytona all those years ago.

I'm acting like a teenager. Something feels "off". Something is UP.

Another One Bites the Friggin' Dust

How do you go from extending a weekend beach trip invitation one moment...to saying "I don't think I'm in a good place to date anyone" just a few days later????


Seriously?


I'm supposed to not let this stuff get to me?

My New Hobby: Young, Hot Guys

Apparently, I am firmly entrenched in a category that is currently known as "cougars". I'm not a big fan of this term, or the stereotype, but recently I've begun to enjoy the perks of this phenomenon.

Technically, I don't qualify as a cougar because I don't really like younger guys. But you can't really tell that by looking at me: I'm a 42 year old, never been married, attractive, fit woman.

I'm blonde. I have a curvy figure. And if I dress a certain way, it looks as if I should like younger guys.

My last two vacations were proof of this.

First, on the cruise, a tall, dark, very handsome and sexy 28 year old spent a lot of time by my side. I didn't know he was 28, he had noooo idea how old I was. In fact, when I got around to asking his age, he told me he was 32 (he thought I was 35). It took awhile for the truth to come out...

I found myself attracted to him, and imagined kissing him...but couldn't quite take it any further in my mind. Regardless, I loved the attention and the flirting.

In Vegas, I met several young bucks. I had no qualms about approaching even the hottest guy in the room. I'm not exactly sure why I had no fear...perhaps because I had no expectations and didn't really take them seriously anyway? Each time I approached someone, I was greeted with great enthusiasm, and again, the banter and flirtation was oh so fun.

I was also approached pretty regularly by young guys...They are very sweet and shy in their approach. Some were more suave and charming. But they were all very generous and very attentive.

Yes, it was an ego-boost.

Even though I knew their intentions. I knew exactly what it was they found attractive about me. I enjoyed it anyway.

I tried to imagine partaking in some (or even one) of their sweet offerings. Couldn't do it. I could look at this beautiful specimen in front me, appreciate the beauty...but had no real sexual stirrings at all.

Perhaps I am missing out on a great opportunity...

Post-July Hangover

I'm not talking about an alcohol-induced hangover. This one is experience-induced.

My month began in Venice...then to Athens, Kusadasi, Ephesus, Mykonos, Istanbul, Rome, Cinque Terre, Monte Carlo, Eze...days spent in Barcelona...

And I ended my month with a long girls' weekend in Vegas. 25 women letting their hair down like they don't do at home.

My mind and my heart are still full. I believe July 2009 is one of the best months of my life. Strengthening old friendships and beginning new ones. Seeing one amazing sight after another. Fully relaxing and feeling luxurious. Being raunchy and acting like a college student. I truly stepped out of my life.

And I'm having trouble getting back! I think I have a low-grade depression these past few days as I try to ease back into reality. Yes, I know that it's almost mid-August...but July still lingers in my head.

Like an intense summer love affair...The blush is still on my cheek.

Oh, and I may just be having a real summer love affair. Icing on the cake.

I've learned that I love having guy friends and hanging with the boys.
I've learned that I'm not big on tourist attractions, but want to see how the locals really live.
I've learned that I'm really enjoying the changes to my body and can once again enjoy dressing up.
I've learned that I get a kick out of this "cougar" phenomenon and can get kinda used to having a 28 year old follow me around like a puppy dog.
I've learned that I have no fear when it comes to approaching a group of attractive men in a bar.
I've learned that negotiating at the Grand Bazaar in Istanbul can be a thrill.
I've learned that cruising is a blast.
I've learned that I am extraordinarily blessed.

My hangover should be gone by September.