The Single Woman's Conundrum

I enjoy my life as a single woman. It is fulfilling and fun. I have great friends, a family that is dysfunctional but loves me, a good amount of career success, a beautiful home. My life is pure freedom- I set the pace, set the stage, take the action. If I want to.

What I don't like is how the rest of the world views single women. I don't like being considered a failure. Being considered "incomplete". This world is designed for couples and families (the holiday season is a fantastic example of that). Unfortunately, it gets worse as we get older. I must admit, my relatives no longer ask me if there is a man in my life, they no longer say things like "someday when you get married.." You would think that I would be relieved at their silence. But I sense their pity- which is worse, believe me.

I don't like the stereotypes associated with single women: desperate, lonely, bitter, man-haters. I hate the fact that single men are envied ("Look at his freedom!", "What a bachelor!") Not all single women I know sense the negative messages. Some say "It's much more acceptable these days". Acceptable? I read magazine articles about the various types of paths women choose for their lives...attempts at giving them equal validity (usually with a somewhat defensive undertone). Women that choose to never marry, that choose to do great things in their career instead, or to help the world in other ways. I admire these women- and I am glad that they are impacting the world and rewriting the program.

But holiday parties are still designed primarily for couples. Let's not even talk about New Year's Eve. Try buying a house and seeing "Single Woman" stamped in several places on your mortgage paperwork. Of course the financial advantages for couples are extensive. Expectations of single women in the workplace are different than those of their married counterparts.

On the dating scene, I can't tell you how many times I've had to answer the question "So how come you've never been married?" Since I'm not unattractive or unintelligent, the assumption is that there is something else "wrong". The cliche that I deal with is that I'm somehow a psycho in relationships...or way too picky...or bad in bed...or something.

I have close friends that say "You try too hard, stop looking and it will happen." I have close friends that say "You're not trying hard enough- if you really wanted it, you'd make it happen." These are people that know me very, very well. But the unspoken implication is that my singleness is a result of something I have done, or have failed to do. When my singleness just is.

So what's my conundrum? I'm getting to that.

I detest the stereotypes that exist for single women (especially as they get older). I feel compelled to make a difference. I feel compelled to send the strong message: Being single isn't a failure. A woman does not need a man in order to be valuable. A woman can have a full, rich life as a single woman. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her. She is just as happy as you are.

Here's the conundrum: How do I tell the world to shut up and accept me as I am, when in reality I desire the exact things the world tells me I should desire?

That's right. I want a partner in my life. It is the strongest desire I have- and it always has been. I want to build a life with a man. I want a family- even if it's just he and I. I feel I'm too old to have my primary relationship role that of "daughter". I want to have new adventures as part of a team. I want to travel with someone I love. I want someone to share the grocery shopping with.

I don't do the best job with my "two faced" approach. I think that when I put on my "Look at me! I'm a happy, well adjusted single woman that loves my life!" face (which is true)...there is a hint of the other side of me that is sad about the void in my life. So how do I affect change in the world, help change the role of single women in the world, and yet remain true to myself and my own thoughts, feelings, and desires?