Success, Sex, Saks, and Sass

(Try saying that three times fast!)

After my guys' weekend a couple weeks ago, I was left craving some girl time. I needed some estrogen around me!

Well, yesterday I got more than my fix.

I started the day by attending a very glamorous networking event at 7:30 am, sponsored by a great group, Success in the City. We actually watched the new release of Sex and the City at 8:00 in the morning! I don't think I've ever gone to the movies so early in the morning!

The event was sold out, so the theatre was packed. I think there were maybe two men in the room. So it was primarily an audience of women over the age of 30. There was an electric buzz in the air, as always happens when you have a crowd of women together like that.

As for the movie itself...don't worry, no spoilers here. But it was fantastic! Not as a cinematic piece of art, of course. It was the event of it that was special. I know critics of the series always claimed it was too over the top- too materialistic, too focused on sex, sending out too many negative messages. I say, "Lighten up people!" It's just some silly fun!

One of the things I appreciated about the movie is the fact that the primary characters were women in their forties. Movie execs are concerned the movie may not do well, because an exclusive movie audience of women over 30 may not have enough spending power. I can't wait to hear box office results- we need more movies for us!

The audience was so funny- laughing, gasping and crying together. The fashion was outrageous and simply fun. Most of the audience was as dressed up as the characters in the movie, and designer labels were everywhere.

After the movie we headed over to Saks for a Saks and the City party. There was press coverage everywhere, free cosmos, swag bags, and a fashion show and makeovers in the private salon.

Yeah, I drank cosmos at 11 am on a Friday morning. And chatted. And looked at clothes. Oh- yeah- and did some networking. (Just in case my accountant asks).

So how did I end this estrogen-fest of a day? With a bit more of the same, but on a much more intimate level. I met a really good friend up in Silver Spring to see the movie again (first time for her)! And since it was one of the few theatres that wasn't sold out, I'm taking that as a good sign for box office results.

I'm not one to see movies more than once, but I enjoyed it as much the second time. I got to pay attention to more (fashion) details. And it was more fun to share the movie with a close friend. Ending the evening with food, drinks, and post-movie discussion, was just what I needed.

I think I earned my girl license back.

Maintaining Connection

Sometime in my early 30's, I realized that I didn't need a man to be happy. Yeah, it took me awhile.

When I realized that my fulfillment comes from having emotional connection, it was clear that such connections did not have to come exclusively from a romantic relationship. In fact, even when I was in an emotionally intimate romantic relationship, many of my emotional needs were still met by my friends.

The first couple decades of my life I struggled with developing meaningful friendships with girls. The last two, I've spent a lot of time correcting that. Now, I'm at another crossroads.

The older I get, the more I desire deep, real connections. And it takes time to develop those. Quality and quantity. Now I'm seeing that even once you establish those deep connections, it takes time to maintain that level of intimacy. And I struggle with finding the time, and finding others that have that time as well.

As a result, I have a pretty wide circle of "acquaintances"- people that I've bonded with and could potentially be very close to, if time warranted. The number of people that I have a long-term deep friendship with has narrowed to a very few. As a single person without a family, this is an issue. It's an issue because in order to have my emotional needs met, I need a connection with someone who is available. And since we get busier as we get older, it stands to reason that one would need a larger number of close connections in order to ensure that someone is available when you need them.

OK, as I read over this post it sounds extremely self-centered and self-serving. But hey, this is a blog, so is that really a surprise? The reality is that not only do I need intimate friendships in order to get my emotional needs met, but I need to feel like I am helping someone get their needs met as well. It all goes together.

And on a random Sunday afternoon when I'm craving connection, if I only have two close friends and they are both booked, what's a girl to do?

I've actually given thought to ways that I can implement some kind of "structure" to my Connection Maintenance. A spreadsheet? A phone call schedule? Personalized email blasts? Do I need to schedule further out in advance in order to spend quality time with loved ones?

Crazy, I know.

What I Learned from the Kids

As I've mentioned a few times, my brother and his family visited over Memorial Day weekend. That meant I spent quality time with my four nephews and niece, ages 3-9. Allowing my brother and sister-in-law a chance to go out on a "date" gave me the opportunity to take all the kids on my own...

I'm alive to tell my story. (Good sign.)

Here are a few of the things I learned this weekend:

*Spiderman jammies, with web wings on the arms, are the absolute coolest thing in sleepwear.

*Walking the National Mall while holding the hand of a child, is like walking with an extra 20lb weight on your back.

*Always, always, always carry a band-aid in your purse. It's amazing how/when injuries happen.

*Beds are made for trampoline-style jumping.

*3 adults and 4 kids can wreak havoc on a 2 bedroom condo.

*Taking a hike in the woods can lead to a parallel universe or something called The Bridge to Terabithia.

*3 year olds love escalators. They don't care where the escalator leads to.

*The best part of going to the zoo is running under the sprinklers they had.

*Papa Johns has the best pizza my nephew has had in his whole entire life.

*My 3 year old nephew loves "babies". He also loves to tease them- walking up to one at the ice cream store saying "You are so cute, baby! I eat babies!"

*No topic is off-limits for kids. Example: My 7 year old niece asked me, "Aunt Aileen, do you get lonely?"

*Nickelodeon is on channel 91. (who knew?)

*There is absolutely, positively no privacy when the house is filled with kids. Sure, you can close or even lock the bathroom door. However, prepare to have a little one sobbing on the other side
"Aunt Aileen, I wanna come in!"

*When a 5 year old throws a slight tantrum in the middle of the National Zoo, if you do not respond immediately, people give you dirty looks.

*Waking up to kids laughing is the best alarm clock ever.

*I would be a good mom.

Whadya Know?

Last weekend I was asking my youngest brother, CK about his relationship with his girlfriend (some may say questioning, interrogating, or even grilling, but I really was just curious!)

See, I know CK wants to be married. I know he wants a family- and he's been with this woman for over two years, so I was wondering what his thoughts were.

He told me that sometimes it seems like marrying her would be "cool" and it feels good, and sometimes he just doesn't know.

To that, I respond "Well, I'm not sure you ever really know for sure."

My brother GS, who has been married for over 11 years, chimes in,

"You never really know. But you know."

Interesting. Could that be true?

As I think back over my close calls with the institution of marriage, I realize I did know. I knew we weren't right for each other as lifelong partners.

In the case of my most recent love, I knew we'd be great as spouses. But I also knew that he would never in a million years be ready (or even want) to be a spouse.

So knowing trumps knowing.

Conclusion? Trust my gut. She's pretty smart.

"My name is Aileen, and I'm an American Idol addict."

There. I said it.

So now I want to comment on the season finale.

It was Pop vs. Rock. Boy vs. Man. In my mind, it wasn't even a contest.

David Cook is by far my favorite performer from this season. BUT, I'm not happy he won. I really would prefer that he get to have a "real" music career and make his own artistic choices. All you have to do is hear him sing "Billie Jean" and you'll know just what I mean.

For those of you that haven't wanted to bother with the cheesiness that is American Idol, you can get a sense of the final choice from this brief video clip.

It clearly portrays David Cook as the stronger performer. In fact, in last night's season finale- David C simply outshone everyone else- even some of the pros that made an appearance.

Thank god for sexy, soulful, rock stars.

*update...interesting article about Cook and his Cougars. While I'm not a fan of the term, I can relate to their sentiments!

Another Blonde Moment

I had a business lunch today with a woman I met on my trip to Costa Rica. The last time we got together for drinks we talked about the fact that we should get together to discuss our businesses. So I sent her an invite last week and she accepted. Then she added that Roy, one of her employees, would be joining us.

That was fine but I was unsure of the reason for his presence. When we arrived at the restaurant, I was struck by how good-looking this man was. And he held eye contact with me for a few seconds too long. I thought that was odd.

It didn't take long to learn that the man hadn't been working at my friend's company for very long. (Hmmm...so again, why is he at this lunch?)

Oh god. Is my friend playing matchmaker? She knows I'm single as we danced at the Montezuma clubs together in CR.

Then, as the lunch conversation progressed, I noticed that there was some sort of easy connection between my two companions. She mentioned getting the chance to "test-drive" Roy's new corvette. They shared a salad.

OK...so maybe this boss-employee combo is a bit more than that. Good for her! Who am I to judge?

Then, my friend was discussing details of our vacation a little too easily. Our conversation turned to dating, and specifically, dating in DC. Again, my friend shared details that one wouldn't normally share in front of a boyfriend. And in passing she mentioned Roy's girlfriend who lives in Baltimore.

So I'm guessing some sort of secret sexual affair. How exciting!

The conversation turned to some everyday subjects- I asked her about her son, who is thirty and doing really well in his software engineering job.

Then I turned to Roy and asked if he had any kids.

"Just one."

"Boy or girl?"

"Boy"

"How old?"

"30"

Duh. Same kid! Turns out Roy is my friend's ex-husband. The two of them just sat there with big cheshire-cat grins on their faces, while I felt like an idiot!

Exes that are still friends and now working together? Now that is cool!

A Guys' Weekend

Being the only girl in the family, I occasionally get to view the world from the "other side". This weekend was one of those times. Our annual siblings weekend was a blast, as expected.

I experienced my first Preakness event. While I understood it to be a definite "fashion opportunity", I was unable to fully get my girl on the way I would have liked. Yes, I had a wide brimmed, ultra-feminine, straw hat to wear. I also picked out a very pretty summer sundress to wear. But as soon as I saw the cargo-shorts, polo shirts, and sneakers that my brothers were determined to wear, I realized I had to tone-down my girly-ness if I was going to hang with them all day.

That proved to be a good decision since at one point we ventured into the "infield". Oh. My. God. A crazy, muddy, drunken, filthy mess.

So we spent the day people watching, and giving each other a hard time. If one of us did or said something particularly annoying, we pulled the "you sound like mom" or "you sound like dad" lines. My brothers pretty much drank the entire day- I had two "black-eyed-susans" and that was more than enough for me. I got to hear some guy talk that in retrospect I might have been better off not hearing. Two of my brothers talked about their kids, my youngest brother talked about his girlfriend- they all questioned me about my love life while making it clear they really didn't want to hear too much detail about that (can't say I blame them)!

As far as the horse race betting goes- I proved to be the luckiest. I won 5 out of the 8 bets I placed. Of those 5, 4 of them were the winning horse. Apparently, that's unusual. All three brothers made fun of the fact that I only placed $2 bets. But at the end of the night, when they had lost decent amounts of money, and I was actually up 40 cents...they changed their tunes a bit.

On Sunday, we wrapped up our weekend by going to a matinee showing of the "Harold and Kumar" sequel. Lots of raunchy, juvenile, guy humor. I have to admit, I laughed out loud a few times.

Now I feel like I need to get to a spa- quick- for a mani/pedi/facial combo. So I can get my "girl pass" back!

Whatever Works!

Is compatability overrated?

I spend a lot of time with couples. On more than one occasion, the woman makes a critical remark about another couple. (Usually a couple that isn't there). And it's usually about the dynamic of that other couple's relationship- or at least how it appears to outsiders. Things like:

"How does she put up with that?"

"They seem to be an odd match."

"She can do so much better than him."

"He can do so much better than her."

I usually butt-in with something like "Well, it seems to work for them. Whatever works, you know?"

Last week, when I was having this type of conversation with some members of my family, I started to think about some of the happiest couples I know. Most of them do not fit any kind of "conventional" model. Observe:

*My brother GS and his wife: I love him to death, but GS hates doing anything around the house. Or anything with the kids that requires work. He is a good provider and has a good job, and his wife stays at home during the day, and works three (!) part-time jobs in her spare time. She is constantly running around and basically does all the domestic work. They are madly in love, have been for years, and seem to like things just as they are.

*My best friend A and her husband: A is the primary bread-winner, her husband stays at home with the baby. She has the bulk of the financial responsibility for the family. Another thing I've always admired about this couple is the fact that they have each always managed to have their own lives- they don't do everything as a couple. And if anything, they appear to have grown closer in recent years.

*My brother JC and his wife: There's a 10 year age difference (she is older), they also have cultural differences (she is East Indian) and class differences (her father is wealthy). My brother changed his entire life to be with her, and he does not have friends outside his marriage/family (with one exception). And he's perfectly OK with that. They too, have had their share of obstacles, but I've been seeing their relationship deepen and they both seem extremely happy.

*My aunt and uncle: They are inseparable. My aunt has never held a full time job, my uncle makes all the decisions, and she is the quintessential "housewife type". They've been married for almost 50 years and yes, they seem happy.

*My parents: When I was younger, I sometimes couldn't understand why they were married. She is difficult to please, he sometimes acts like a child. And their fighting style seemed loud and dysfunctional to me. Yet, they have always had fun together...they stay very active together...they both are crazy about their family. And the last time they came to visit, they were kissing and holding hands like teenagers.

So, who are we to judge, right? If it ain't broke...

Brother, Oh Brother!

I'm spending the next two weekends with my brothers. I have three, all younger. We've been having an annual siblings weekend for many years (no wives or kids allowed!), and it's awesome. Usually the weekend revolved around some sort of concert festival- it started with the HFStival.



Never mind that for the past several years we've been the oldest in the crowds. Or the fact that our tastes in music are all over the spectrum between the four of us. It was just simple fun- we act like kids, reminisce about old times, and make fun of our parents. Due to the overall age difference, we never really hung out as a foursome when we were kids, so it's a nice thing we've started as adults.



However, after last year's Bamboozle fiasco, we decided to try something different this year. We're going to Preakness! Now, I'm not that into horse races, have no idea how to dress or what to expect, but I'm confident it will be a weekend for new memories.



Then, the following weekend, brother #2, GS, is bringing his entire family down for Memorial Day weekend. So I will have SIX house guests in my 2 bedroom condo for the weekend, four of them under the age of 11. And I can't wait! Part of my Xmas gift to GS was a night of babysitting, so he and his wife are going to dinner and I'm gonna do something fun with my niece and nephews. I think I better rest up for the adventure!



They say that siblings are the longest relationship we'll have in our lives. I'm thankful for my brothers and the bond I feel with them. When I'm with them I feel...home. It's one of those times when I'm closest to who I really am- you know what I mean?



For those of you have siblings, I'd love it if you could share something about them with me. (Why don't they have a Happy Sibling day?)

It's Not All Hearts and Flowers

'There's no way to be a perfect mother, but a million ways to be a good one.'

-Jill Churchill

My Mom is hurting and there's not much I can do.

She is mourning the death of her dad, and not feeling particularly joyful at the moment. It's easy for me to feel compassion for my mother when she is hurt or vulnerable. For some reason, it's easier to be a "good daughter" during those times.

I sent her flowers- roses of mixed, bright colors. She called me to thank me, saying "They came at the perfect time" as she began to cry. We talked about grief, and we talked about healing, and we talked about the ways that she needed to take care of herself right now.

Today, at church the minister talked about imperfection. Specifically, the guilt that mother's often feel about not being perfect. I may not be a mother, but I can identify with that unrealistic desire for perfection.

On this particular Mother's Day, I'm noticing the pain. A friend who lost her mother and is sadly reminded each year on this day. Another who wants to be a mother so badly and yet has been unable to so far. My grandmother who has been profoundly affected by the death of my grandfather (her first husband), and does not seem to be in a mood for celebration.

I'll write a joyful post tomorrow, I promise. Today, I want to acknowledge the pain that some of my loved ones are experiencing.

I love you, Mom.

Update: Laurie wrote an amazing post on a similar topic.

Go Ahead and Try...

...to kick me when I'm down. It won't work.

A client fired me today. It's been an unpleasant and painful situation that has been unfolding over the past few weeks. My first response when I got the final call today was relief, because this really has been an issue taking up way too much of my time and energy.

Yes, it's bad enough that a client was unhappy with me to the point of no longer desiring my services, but unfortunately this goes a bit deeper than that. My demise was brought about through several conversations with several people about my performance. Conversations that took place without me. Accusations were made, and not only did I not get the feedback, I had no opportunity to respond to the feedback or even make corrections where they could have been made.

There's even a couple "kickers" to this fiasco. My client wants me to finish one last obligation which would require me to spend a half day working with and leading the people who ultimately asked for my removal. And my client suggested that I could organize a social activity for all the involved parties so it wouldn't seem like I was leaving on anything less than good terms.

I had the opportunity to practice something I'm working on: speaking my mind, and sticking up for myself. I told my client that I wasn't sure that I wanted to be the only person acting professionally in this matter, and that I wasn't sure that I wanted to be that much of a "bigger person". I also clearly expressed that the situation was poorly handled and I was getting short-changed in the process. My client agreed with me. That might not have made a difference in the scheme of things, but it was important that I communicated.

But I can't pretend it doesn't hurt. For some reason, when I experience betrayal as an adult, it triggers familiar feelings from my earliest experiences of betrayal as a child.

Damn, I'm pissed.

A Laugh in My Mailbox

One of the best things in the world is finding a personal card or letter amongst the junk in your mailbox! This gave me a right-out-loud laugh when I received it a couple days ago.

To my friend AV- you always have a knack for finding cards that perfectly fit someone's mood, personality, and need. And you have a gift for making people laugh, and making them feel appreciated. You are a truly special person, and I'm so glad I have you as a friend.

(And yes- I get it! No more making out with frogs- I promise! :)

Faux-hawks

God, I love these kids. They simply crack me up! And I get to see them tomorrow! Isn't the brotherly love just bouncing out of this photo?

Versions of Me

It has recently been brought to my attention that I beat myself up a lot on this blog. I guess I can see how someone may get that impression. An ex of mine (and reader of this blog) once suggested that I overanalyze things, and this may make things worse.

Then, a few days ago, at a blogger gathering I was asked the popular question "So what made you decide to get into blogging?" I honestly couldn't remember at that moment.

But after giving it more thought, I realized the reason I started this blog was to analyze myself and my relationships. I was ready to bring my relationships (with friends, family, and romantic interests) to a new level. So it required some deep introspection. Hence, I embarked on this blog journey where I put myself and my interpersonal relationships under the microscope.

I think people that know me exclusively or primarily through this blog may get a certain impression of me: I am very self-critical, somewhat cynical, analytical. I think those that know me primarily in "real life" discover that they find a certain aspect of me on this blog that they may have not been aware existed.

So to all my cyber-blog-friends and family, let me reassure you. In general, I am very full of joy. I am a fun-seeker. I am generally content with my life, with who I am, and where I am headed. Yes, I really do know I am fabulous. I really do know that's it's OK that I make mistakes, and that flaws are part of our charm.

And to my "real-life" friends- isn't it nice to know I'm not perfect? :) hehe

A Great Way to Spend a Beautiful Day

*Meeting a bunch of fabulous bloggers

*An afternoon of fun, eclectic conversation

*My first time pole dancing in public- maypole dancing, that is

*Having a tarot card reading that confirms what I know- I'm on the brink of beautiful!

*Receiving a gift from a stranger

*Feeling that spring tingle of sexual energy

Happy Spring everyone!

Passage. Does it ever get easier?

My grandfather passed away last night. My mother's father.

Apparently, it happened around 7:10 pm...My Dad left me a voice mail message on my cell phone around 7:20. I didn't get the call because I was on the Acela coming back from NYC. So on my cab ride home, I picked up the message-"Hi Aileen, it's Dad. Pa passed, the priest is on his way for last rites." (yeah...my family has challenges with appropriate methods of communication...as in you don't give news of death over voice mail or email, but that's another story.)

Here's the part that is baffling to me. When I heard the news, I felt nothing. It's not shock or denial- I've known for a few weeks that this moment would come. As I've thought about the fact that my grandfather was at the end of his life, I haven't really felt that much. I guess I have felt a generic form of sadness as I would for an acquaintance. Truth is, he hasn't really been a part of my life (or most of my family's life) for many years. But when it comes to family, shouldn't I feel grief when one of them passes?

So I was feeling guilty about my lack of sadness as I started calling around looking for my mom. No answer at home, no answer on the cell. I called my brother who lives near her to see what he knew. It was now around 9:30 at night. My brother told me that my mom was still at the hospital. Still sitting in the room with her dad.

That's when it hit me. The pain, the tears. In that moment I knew exactly what my mom was feeling, and it stabbed me in the heart that she was going through that. I knew she didn't want to say good-bye. This was the first time she has ever been with someone as they died. Though my experience was different, I could fully empathize with her pain. And I wouldn't wish that pain on my worst enemy, let alone my own mother.

I finally reached her this morning. It's a long, complicated story, but I can tell that this death is tapping into lots of things for my mom. You know how I've been talking lately about how my feelings and issues that have been stuffed down for so long are now bubbling up to the surface? Well, I suspect that my grandfather's death is doing some of that for my mom. But she has had a few more decades of using denial and suppression as a comfort tool than I have, so I suspect she will retreat into her old patterns. In the meantime, I hope I can help her deal with her pain.

Journey

WEEKLY WORDS OF WISDOM on the World Wide Web chosen by Lama Surya Das


It may be that when we no longer know what to do
we have come to our real work,
and that when we no longer know which way to go
we have come to our real journey.
The mind that is not baffled is not employed.
The impeded stream is the one that sings.

~ Wendell Berry