DC Women Blogger's Tea Party

One of the things I've enjoyed most about blogging is the virtual "friends" I've made. Reading their blogs have become part of my routine. Hearing from them on my blog has turned into something I count on.

There are many really cool women of various ages, backgrounds, and interests that I would love to meet.

So I'm organizing a Tea Party.

When: Saturday, Oct 13th at 12:30 pm

Where: Teaism, Penn Quarter

400 8th Street NW Washington, DC 20004 (202) 638-6010
Corner of 8th and D. Visible from Archives/Navy Memorial stop

Wouldn't an afternoon of girl talk be fun? Simply RSVP in the comments.

Look forward to meeting you!

On the Road Again

I've been traveling a lot for my business. I mean, a LOT. At least three weeks out of every month.

I usually don't like to be away from home so much, but I'm really enjoying it. A friend recently asked me "what do you enjoy about it?" I realized it's the people.

As a sole proprietor, my new business could potentially be a very lonely existence. I could work from my home office, spending a lot of time working by myself. When I travel, I'm actually able to have lots of interaction, and I've been getting the opportunity to see friends that I wouldn't normally see so often.

I see el's mom once a month because of a client. I see KH monthly due to another client. Each trip I've taken this year has given me the chance to connect, or reconnect with people that I care about. How cool is that? And I've even made some new friends too!

But here's the rub: those left behind. Meaning, my friends at home, my house, potential dates, etc. To people who don't understand the "traveler's life", it seems non-committal. I have friends that are either impatient with my lack of availability, or I just seem to fall down on their list of priorities.

Attempting to start a new relationship proves to be difficult. Or maybe I should say impossible since I haven't been able to do it while having this "on the go" lifestyle. Some people get the impression that I'm "restless". Or avoiding something. I guess that could be a turn-off for a potential mate.

Add to this the fact that I'm contemplating a move. To the west coast. To be near the beach. My motivations have been questioned by many. Even myself, to tell you the truth.

Last week I was telling a close friend about my desires for moving and how I want to be sure my intentions are good and healthy. She said to me "Fill in the blank to this without pausing to think: I want to move because _______"

I immediately said "because I want to experience a different lifestyle while I'm still young, and while I don't have children."

Hmmmm? Yeah? Apparently, I have a new idea forming in my head that I may adopt a child in a few years. Which makes me want to live footloose and fancy free while I can.

I'm not restless. I am not non-committal. I'm just trying to experience as much as I can. Yes, I could calm down and be stable and responsible for a child. I could also do it for a mate. In fact, if I met someone that I wanted to pursue a relationship with, I could/would cut back significantly on my traveling. I guess the challenge would be when / where will I find such a person if I'm on the go so much?

What are your thoughts? Should I cut back on the hectic movement of my lifestyle to achieve the goal of relationship that is so important to me? Or should I live my life as it comes, having faith that it'll happen anyway?

Facing Another Type of Fear

I usually pride myself on being relatively fearless. Years ago, I read the book "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway" and it was the beginning of a quest for me. I was determined to not let fear get in the way of doing things that I wanted to do. Experiencing things that I wanted to experience. And in general, I have accomplished just that.

This week I was reminded of a fear that has remained with me. It's dormant most of the time, but it's definitely there.

Earlier this week, a client of mine came into work discussing her first date of the night before. She's an attractive, 30 year old woman, that secretly longs to meet the man of her dreams, get married and have a family. She was absolutely glowing. She was gushing about the sheer perfection of the evening. She was happily sharing her joy with me, the implication of hope that it was the beginning of something truly beautiful. She asked the questions "When do you think he'll call? Do you think I'll see him this weekend?"

As I pretended to share her excitement, her hope, the thrill of those early moments, I became aware of a surprising feeling. I felt sick in the pit of my stomach.

When I shared this story with a couple friends, their reaction was "Oh- were you feeling like she was going to get hurt and disappointed?" My response was "I guess so."

But upon further reflection I realized that wasn't it at all. I wasn't feeling pessimistic for her at all. Perhaps it will have some sort of a fairy tale ending. That would be absolutely fantastic.

I realized that I was putting myself in her shoes. I was imagining what it would be like to feel that again. That crazy, uncontrollable, irrational, desire for someone. That lightning-strikes, adrenaline rush, that's a little bit lust, and a little bit crush. The infatuation that you hope deepens into love.

And I realized I didn't want to feel that again. In fact, the thought of feeling that again scared the living daylights out of me. So much so that I was physically ill.

Around three years ago, I met a man, Keith, at a party. I had that immediate reaction to him. He appeared to have the same reaction to me. Even though we had just met, even though there were crowds of people there, we were constantly aware of each other. I mingled with other people, knowing Keith would come back to talk to me again and again. And he did. He would go off and talk to other party-goers, then return to me and speak to me in a lowered, almost intimate voice.

We kissed. Several times. Only our lips touched. Nothing else. It was one of the most erotically charged moments I can remember.

We spent the entire night together, until dawn, talking and kissing. That's it. And the entire night I was telling myself- "Just enjoy this feeling at the moment, because you can never see this man again."

And I didn't.

He called. Emailed. Several times. For years afterward. But I never saw him again, and he never really tried that hard to see me again. He lives about three minutes from my house.

I was afraid of him, how he made me feel, who he seemed to be. So I played it safe and stayed away.

So this week, after hearing the story of a magical first date, I made a decision. I'm going to have that again. In fact, I have this strange feeling that it's coming my way very soon. And I am bracing myself, greeting the opportunity with open arms and open heart.

Bring it on.

Why does online dating make men so bold?

Yesterday, a message popped up in my inbox: "Would you be interested in having a really great sexual relationship?"

That's it. That's all it said. Not even the popular "you have nice eyes and great smile" that we all usually get.

So I have to ask myself, does this approach actually work for men? Even if I was looking for just a great sexual relationship, would I need to look online to find it? Nope. When I receive messages like this it makes me think that it must work sometimes, otherwise men wouldn't keep doing it.

I received another message from a man outlining exactly where he'd like to kiss me and how. Is this message supposed to flatter me? Woo me?

One of the worst offenses was a few weeks ago when I received a message in my online dating inbox from an ex. Someone I dated for six months and it ended very badly. In fact I practically caught him cheating red handed. It was one of those rare cases where I turned into an enraged, psycho, out to get revenge, stalker-like, woman scorned. It was the ugliest breakup I've ever had.

And he sends me a message saying "Hi! Remember me? Or are you still mad about the way our relationship ended?"

WTF?

I would think that a good rule of thumb is to not approach a woman online in a way that you wouldn't if you met her in person. If you can't say it to my face, don't send it in an email.

An Alternate Universe

When I was 28 years old, I was living with the man that I was engaged to at the time, Fred. I know I have mentioned him several times in this blog, and I've mentioned that he passed away while we were together.

What has struck me is an ongoing storyline that involves Fred, in the never-ending movie that is my dreams.

What happens is that from time to time I have a dream about Fred. It's not a recurring dream. But it's like a sequel. Instead of it being connected to reality- it's a continuation in some way of the last dream I had about him. And usually it is several weeks or months between Fred dreams.

In the past month, I've had two Fred dreams and that is more than usual. I'm not sure why, although I have my suspicions.

Now, keep in mind, Fred has been out of my life for about 12 years.

Several years ago, when these alternate storylines began, it was a dream where I ran into Fred at a sporting event. He was with another woman, and although he knew I was there, he was trying to avoid me. In my dream, I thought to myself "But I thought he was dead?" Seeing him was painful, but I didn't approach him or talk to him in the dream.

Over the years, I had different variations of this dream, where I would "run into" Fred at unexpected places. Sometimes we would speak very briefly, he was usually unkind in some way. In one particular dream, I remember telling him about his death and he looked at me with such confusion.

In another of these alternate universe dreams, I heard that he was living in the next town. (I am still living in Orlando in these dreams.) I looked him up in the phone book- and there he was! With much trepidation, I dialed his number- and he answered. (I remember I could hear his voice sooo clearly in this dream, it stayed with me all day.) On the phone I asked him what had happened.

He explained to me that he never died. He was taken to the hospital and was there for many months (or years?). Apparently, after he recovered, it took a long time for him to remember any of the details of what had happened to him. And to me. Of course I was confused- I was there when it happened, the paramedics told me he was dead. What about the funeral? What about the fact that I had sold everything that was his- including his home? How could he not come to me to tell me he was back?

He had decided that because of everything I'd been through, it was best to let me be. That I was better off on my own with my life as it was.

Every time I had one of these dreams I woke up in pain. Pain over the reminder of the loss, but also pain that it was a dream. In the dream, even though I wasn't with him, I was happy and secure in knowing he was alive and he loved me. In these dreams, I was sure there would come a day when we would be together again. I was patient, it didn't bother me that there would be several weeks or months between contact with him (which was typically the space between the dream occurrences.)

One of the most recent dreams I had was quite intense. I "ran into" Fred at a party. He walked straight up to me with the same smile on his face that I remember from when we were together. He came as close as he could without actually touching me. Our faces were just a few inches apart and he was looking at me deeply in the eyes. And for the first time in many, many years- I felt the same passion between us as we had had at the peak of our time together. It was intense, and it came from the gut. It took my breath away.

Then I woke up.

So why are these dreams significant to me? Apart from the fact that there is some pleasure in seeing Fred from time to time, these dreams have also helped me to understand myself a little bit better. In the past, I have beaten myself up over my apparent inability to let go of a relationship when it is clearly "over". Those closest to me have also sometimes been concerned when it seems I can't move on.

I forgive myself. It is now perfectly understandable to me that once I love someone, and feel they love me, there is a bond there that may never be completely severed. Anyone that has read this blog for any length of time knows that this is a big deal to me- unconditional love. I feel it and give it freely, and it seems that one of my primary objectives in life is to seek out others who do the same.

This does not mean that I don't move on. I do. In my own way and in my own time. I do become open and ready for more love, but it doesn't mean that the prior love is gone or over. That's just how I am.