Why Women Should Wait to Have Sex

My answer to this has nothing to do with morality, or religion, or right and wrong.

Nor does it have anything to do with how having sex too soon affects the man's feelings towards her.

I can't even presume to speak on behalf of "all women". I can only speak for myself. And a few dozen of my girlfriends who seem to agree with me. And maybe there are more out there.

The reason a woman should avoid having sex with a new romantic interest too soon is:

Because it falsely accelerates the woman's feelings for the man.

It automatically puts a relationship on "fast forward" even if you are not particularly ready for it. And I believe it's a biological thing. Many of us women are simply wired this way and there's nothing we can do about it.

All of a sudden, someone whom you are "fond of", your feelings scoring maybe a 5 or 6 on a scale of 1-10...becomes an 8 or 9. You truly feel like you are "in love" with the man.

Now, don't get all excited...it's not that we jump into bed with a man once and automatically fall in love with him. It takes a bit more than that. But once you cross the "sex threshold" with a man, it's difficult or impossible to rewind.

So what's wrong with that, you ask?

Well, it can potentially put the whole relationship out of balance. The man's feelings for you have not increased that much. Yours have had a powerboost. You don't have to be a relationship expert to know the danger in that. You may start to expect more from the man than he is ready to give. Or you may become a bit needy- many men will bolt if they think a woman is falling too much in love too soon.

It also opens you up to intense hurt. You become vulnerable. Not that there is anything inherently wrong with being open and vulnerable. But perhaps you truly are not ready to take that kind of emotional risk.

My advice to myself (which I usually have trouble taking) and my advice to you is to wait until you are willing to give your emotions a power boost. Are you ready to care about this man even more? Maybe even love him? How does he feel about you? Is he worthy of your heart?

Yes, the sex could be great. Maybe it's been a long time since you've had any. Maybe you are crazy attracted to this guy. Maybe you simply love sex. Trust me, I understand all that. But on more than one occasion, I have found that even super-amazing, multi-orgasmic sex wasn't worth the struggles and even hurt that came later (pun not intended).

It is true there are women who have somehow programmed themselves to simply enjoy sex for sex without impact on their emotions. I just ain't one of them.

Grieving a Loss

For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted a partner. A significant other.

Yes, I was the girl in the kindergarten class that was kissing the boys on the playground. As I grew older, I always wanted to have a boyfriend. My friends started getting boyfriends in junior high…compared to them, I was a late bloomer and didn’t have a boyfriend until high school. And it was usually short-lived.

I didn’t go to either of my proms because I didn’t have a date. I would “date” older boys, boys from other schools, and it was never very serious. I made bad choices and was usually treated pretty poorly.

From a very young age, I thought of myself as the “girl that boys don’t like”. Even if that wasn’t true, it was my reality. And it became part of my identity.

Finding a partner has ALWAYS been my #1 priority in life.

Meanwhile, the rest of my life happened. Almost everything else came easily. Friends, career, financial success, adventure, etc. etc. But no matter what was going on in my life, no matter how exciting and fabulous it was, it always felt like it was something that was happening “while I was waiting”. Waiting for what I really wanted.

I spent the bulk of my 20’s (7 years) in a relationship. He wanted to marry me. I grew bored with him and fell out of love. He is now happily married with a family.

I was swept off my feet in my late 20’s, and that relationship ended tragically. Losing a loved one in that way can really mess up how you handle love. Had he lived, our relationship still would have ended badly, but I know it would have taken a very long time to get to that point.

I became engaged to the very next “appropriate” man that I met in my early 30’s. We were together 3 months when he bought the ring. He left me for another woman three months later. He proposed to yet another woman a year later, using my returned engagement ring.

Two of my brothers got married around that time. I remember my grandmother saying to my youngest brother (11 years younger than me) “Well I guess you’re next!” When I said “What about me?” She told me she had given up on me.

And deep, deep, down…I knew she was right. I SEE myself as the “woman who can’t find a man”. Part of my friggin’ identity is that I’m the one who is always looking for a man.

I know how this all sounds. I know it sounds like I’m one of those desperate females whose self-worth is measured by men, and maybe that is true. Generally, I would say I’m a confident women with healthy self-esteem. I’m not sure why I can’t be all those things and STILL prefer to have a man in my life? I’m a pretty smart cookie, and I give phenomenal advice to others who are struggling. I’m even pretty damn good at relationship advice. But pretty hopeless when it comes to my own issues with love.

I’ve heard all the clichés:

“it happens when you least expect it”
“you have to put yourself out there”
“you keep picking the wrong men”
Blah. Blah. Blah.

I have put myself “out there” in every way you can imagine. New social circles, personal ads, video dating services, online dating, speed dating, pursuing interests in the hopes of meeting someone “naturally”, through friends, etc. etc. etc.

I have also tried the “stop looking” method. I have gone on man-free sabbaticals that lasted many months.

And I've changed up the "type of man" I've chosen. Multiple times.

When I was in my late 30’s I fell in love with a man who was emotionally unavailable. He made it clear, over and over again, that he was unable or unwilling to give me what I wanted. He said he “never felt compelled to take our relationship to the next level.” I spent FOUR years emotionally attached to this man.

Last year, I met a man who wanted to love me. Who wanted to be my partner and give me everything I’ve always wanted. All I could see were the things I thought were “wrong” with him. Our relationship did not look like what I “thought” it should be. I pushed and pushed until he finally went away. And the moment he did, I knew I had made a huge mistake.

When this particular relationship ended, a close friend of many years said to me “I don’t think you really do want to find a partner. Everything you do says you don’t want that.” This broke my heart, because I DO, I REALLY, REALLY DO. And I don’t know how to “undo” all the things I do that sabotage things for me.

I’m 44 years old. I’ll be 45 this year. I’m tired. I’m exhausted. Nothing about dating appeals to me. Even the thought of “falling in love” holds only lukewarm interest. Because I’ve been in love, and it has never worked out. I’m in love right now and in great pain. It is SO hard not to become cynical and bitter. I do NOT want to be one of those man-hating bitter old-maid types. But I can see how easily that could happen.

I have always had friends of various ages, including women older than me. I remember when I was younger and I looked at my friends in their 40’s and 50’s who were unmarried, and I felt sorry for them. And it pisses me off that people feel sorry for me. It pisses me off that it’s true that it gets more and more difficult for a woman as we get older. The fact of the matter is, we are less attractive than we used to be. The fact of the matter is, men are visually stimulated and they are drawn to younger women. So unless I am open to dating the geriatric set, my odds are getting slimmer and slimmer.

I’m not even going to get into the baby issue… That’s a whole other chapter. And more.

I’m tired of yearning for something I don’t have. I’m tired of feeling like I’m “missing” something. I’m tired of feeling like I don’t fit in with my own family. Or the majority of society, for that matter.

So I asked myself recently “What if someone told you that you were never ever going to find that lifelong partner? That you were never going to get married?”

In other words, what if I knew for sure that my worst fear was going to come to fruition?

I guess I would have to figure out another way to be happy. I’d have to find joy somewhere. I’d have to change how I see my future, my goals, my life.

So that’s what I’m doing. I’m done. I’m done with “looking”. I’m done with “trying”. I’m done with “yearning”. I’m tired of feeling unhappy and incomplete.

I NEED to find joy and happiness in life WITHOUT a partner. Yeah, yeah, yeah….I know you’re thinking about all those clichés “You have to be happy with yourself first” “You have to love yourself before you love anyone else”.

Yep. I know all that. And I’ve done that. I’ve worked on my own happiness before. But there was always an underlying hope that it was going to lead to love. That as soon as I did _____, I would find love. Or as soon as I fixed _____, I would find love.

This time is different.

Apparently, I am one of those women who will go through life without a partner. Regardless of what some may think, I did not choose this. But this is how it is. And I can no longer handle the angst of not being where I want to be.

Trying to figure out how to be happy now is scary. And confusing. I really do feel like I’m grieving a loss. The loss of my dreams, my goals. The loss of who I always wanted to be. I am assuming that I have to get through this grief before I can really see happiness clearly. At the moment, I make my decisions about how to spend my time by using the measuring stick “does this nourish my soul today?” If it does, then I’m in.

Solving the Mystery

This past year has been one of the toughest of my life. Yet, there is no really good reason for this. Of course it has made be think there is something going on with me physically, chemically.

I've been depressed for a little over a year now. It ruined a relationship and has caused me to lose touch with some close friends. Some amazing things have happened in my business and yet I have been unable to fully experience/ enjoy it.

When I have a friend going through a crisis, I am good at helping them through it. I'm able to stay positive, calm, logical. On more than one occasion, I have recommended to a friend that they see a doctor, and possibly get some medication. I have always believed that it is possible for a chemical imbalance to cause strong emotional challenges.

Yet, I refused to believe this for myself.

When the "darkness" began (I call it that because that's what it feels like- a dark cloud over every experience in your life) I was in a relationship. One I was thankful for, and excited about. However, the darkness made it so that my judgment and feelings were so out of whack that I couldn't tell whether or not the relationship was the cause. (It wasn't.)

Over the weeks and months, I was able to get to a point where I was "functioning". Maintaining. I was getting through my minimal obligations. But nothing really mattered to me. I didn't look forward to anything. I kept my social life busy, but it was a form of self-medicating: I would go out and drink and party, and for a brief moment- feel good.

As most people do, I have had times in my life when I was sad or a bit depressed. In those instances, I was always able to snap out of it. I would connect with friends, exercise, make some fun or ambitious plans...and soon I'd be back to normal. This time was different. Nothing appealed to me.

I'm not sure what initially caused the depression. It makes very little sense to me. So sometimes I thought maybe it was hormonal. Maybe early menopause was setting in. I wasn't sure. Yet, I couldn't even get up the energy (or desire) to do anything about it.

I do know that in recent months I have begun to grieve a loss. A loss unlike any I have ever had. The loss of a dream, a goal, a strong desire. The loss of "who I wanted to be". The loss of an identity in a way. Specifically, the loss of being a mother. And more recently, the loss of ever finding a life partner.

Arrrgh, this post sounds so maudlin! This was not my intention! I simply had to paint a picture of how this experience has felt.

It took me several months to get to the point of seeing a doctor. When I told her how I was feeling, she said "You need to exercise a few times a week." When I tried to explain that I was aware of that, but unable to do it, she eventually prescribed an anti-depressant for me.

Even typing that out is difficult for me! Somewhere inside of me, I see this as a failure... That I was unable to fix this myself, and that I have actually had emotional problems for the better part of a year, is simply unfathomable. Of course, intellectually I am aware that what I have experienced is not rare, and that needing medication does not mean I am weak or I have failed. I just haven't been able to completely let go of that nagging feeling...

I've been on the medication for about two months now. At first, it would work in brief spurts- I would have really good days when I felt almost "myself" again. But I also still had some really tough days. Recently, I've begun to have more and more days of optimism, and feeling good. It's almost like the dark clouds are starting to blow away...

I can see the real "me" in my mind's eye. I can't wait to have her back!

Blind Spot

A few weeks ago, I won a "free business evaluation" from a very well-known life coach and guru. Prior to my session I had to fill out a brief questionnaire.

One question asked "Where do you see yourself in one year? Five years? Ten years?"

I had absolutely no trouble writing about the one year vision.

I was paralyzed when I tried to think about 5 or 10 years. I did NOT want to think about it. I left it blank, and tried not to think about it.

During the session, the coach asked "What is causing this block for you?"

And I got just a brief glimpse of where this block was coming from. I was terrified of getting older. And it's all because of what I do not have in my life. And how time is / will affect my ability to get what I want (need).

I am so not ready to face the fact that I will not be a mother. I am scared to death of moving out of the denial phase into some sort of grieving. I can definitely see what the anger will be like, because I get fleeting moments of being purely pissed off. Life is so not fucking fair.

A Penny for Your Thoughts

I'm being haunted by pennies. Or someone is trying to tell me something. Or I'm imagining the whole thing.

What's happening is that pennies are showing up in my path more frequently than usual.

On the floor in the middle of the room.

On the driver's seat of my car.

In the middle of my placement when I finish dinner.

Under the Christmas tree.

It's not always on heads, and I don't always pick it up...But they just seem to be showing up all over the place lately.

I like to think it's some sort of comforting message. That fortune is coming my way? Or simply luck? Or well-being? Or something?

A Foggy Fall, and a Crisp New Year

I typically use this time of year as a time for reflection and goal setting. As I sat down to write this post, I realized I was looking back at 2009 with foggy lenses.

The first 2/3 of this year were all about parties, celebrations, vacations. I had more fun this year than I've had in many, many years. I've felt younger, more relaxed, hotter, more confident...and I relished the moments.

The last 1/3 of this year has been tougher. I've been anxious and worried. Money has been tighter than it's been in a very long time. And I'm launching a new business model way outside my comfort zone and realizing I'm not as "fearless" as I've always prided myself as being.

I need to wipe the fog off my glasses, and look ahead...2010 is going to bring some amazing things. Success, Love, building a Future...

Here's wishing the New Year is a "10" for all of you!!!!

Relationship Role Models

Yes, I often speak about how I’d like a significant, healthy relationship in my life. About how I’d like to be married.

Yet, ironically, I rarely look at someone else’s relationship or marriage and think “I want that!”

Most people I know in relationships are content, but not necessarily happy. And they certainly are not excited.

The best relationships I see are older couples…Couples who have been together for many years. Who met when they were very young. Before they decided to have a long list of “what they’re looking for in a partner”. They grew up together, struggled like crazy to make it work. It often wasn’t perfect, but they have settled into a happiness and contentment. People like my parents- I never wanted a marriage like theirs, yet they now seem very happy together, having the time of their lives.

But everyone else? Hmmmmm. .. I don’t know anyone my age who is really happy and excited about their partnership. Who thinks it’s one of the best things to ever happen to them. Most of my partnered friends border on discontented. I'm seeing people go through shorter and shorter relationships...They commit for a handful of months, find a gazillion things wrong with the other person, then bail out.

There have been a few times when I thought- “Wow! Finally! They look like they have an awesome marriage!” Then I eventually see the cracks in the surface and discover I wasn’t completely right in my initial assumption.

Please tell me I’m wrong… Tell me about your relationship role models!