Tired of the Cliche
I don't want to be the stereotypical woman that doesn't get along with her mom. So I'm in the midst of trying to define what the relationship can look like for me.
Last week, when I went shopping for a Mother's Day card, I had a terrible time finding anything. They were all filled with very strong sentiments... Things like-
"You're not just my mother, you're my best friend."
"I'm so glad that you've always been there for me."
"I just have to let you know how truly amazing you are."
"Whenever things are crazy, I know I can call you."
"Your strength and courage have helped me get to where I am today."
Huh?
Really?
Is that how mother-daughter relationships are?
What happens if it wasn't like that? My mother was never abusive or physically neglectful. She made sure that her children had whatever she could provide for them. In fact, becoming a mother was her #1 goal in life. It's the primary reason she married my father. (I hate it when she says that in front of him, as if it's no big deal.)
She made sure I was involved in whatever activities I was interested in. She always made me feel that there wasn't anything I couldn't do if I set my mind to it (as long as it wasn't too "silly"). Because of her and my Dad, I had no idea that it was technically a "man's world". She showed up at every teacher meeting, dance recital, softball game etc. (I've heard from her many times that her mom didn't do that for her.)
But she was never my friend. She never understood my emotions or thoughts, and really didn't seem to want to. Bottom line is that I've never felt truly accepted and supported by my mom since my life has not taken the path that she preferred. She's not going to change- her values are her values, her beliefs are her beliefs, and she will forever measure me against them.
So knowing all that, how do I get to a place of enjoying her? Or even liking her? I have brief moments where I can put all my negative feelings aside and just accept her as she is and love her for doing her best. But it doesn't last. And I'd like to make it last- especially while I still have her. She's still very young (early 60's), so there is still the potential for a long lasting, fulfilling relationship.
I would love to hear about the dynamics of your relationship with your mom. Any secrets of success you can share?
posted by Aileen @ 2:16 PM
8 comments
8 Comments:
I don't think many women have that perfect Hallmark relationship with their mother. You're totally right, is kind of funny that the American Greeting Co. doesn't wake up to that fact!
My mother gave up her career to have kids, a fact that she reminded me of not too long ago (she actually was planning to go to med school after finishing her masters until she met and married my father)
Secrets of success? Hmmm...I guess I just try to maintain the philosophy that: "everyone does the best they can" (with whatever mental resources they have)? At least it makes it much easier to accept/deal with parental shortcomings, since you can't really trade them in for new ones.
I did hear a story on NPR not too long ago where a woman adopted herself into a new family. It was kind of interesting to say the least.
I also have an imperfect relationship with my mother. One of our biggest conflicts is her desire to have more of a friendship than a mother-daughter relationship.
I don't have much advice, but I agree with sunchaser (above). I can also tell you that my mom worked very hard to have a relationship with her mother (my grandmother). Mom finally was able to accept grandma when she realized that grandma loved her the best she could--and she was grateful for that.
Parents do the best they can but they are often limited. Your mom had limitations but you are an adult and can (try) and control your reactions to her. I know it's not easy. I'm not good at it either. But if my mom could salvage a relationship with her mother, anyone can do it.
Good luck.
Shopping for Mother's Day cards... ick. I always end up getting the funny ones for my mom. No sentimental half-truths to be delivered from this bratty offspring...
My mother and I maintain a serious distance, geographically and emotionally. I have no advice for you, but I share in the wishes for good luck.
This is why I went the humor route. This year's Mother's Day card featured an exasperated mom in an apron, with a stack of pancakes and a raised spatula, looking up to the ceiling for a pancake that apparently got stuck there. On the inside, the card reads, "At Least I Came Out Perfect."
My Mom got a big laugh out of that. I think I wrote in the note that we know I am far from perfect, and thanks for putting up with me anyway. So I kind of turned the tables on the whole thing, pointed to myself instead of her as the imperfect one (what mom would disagree with that?), gave Mom a compliment and some recognition on the one day when she deserves it, and also, I think, sent the subtle message that neither one of us is perfect. I felt really good about this, and it didn't cost me a thing emotionally. Although not a magic bullet, I think this kind of humor is a tool that can foster better relationships.
Neither of my parents are remotely parental. I like them for the people they are, not the role they're supposed to play in my life. (They'd fail miserably if I held them to that standard; I'm sure I'd fail, too.) It seems to work for us.
Thanks for your comments, all. It sounds like there are many of us in the same boat! I think the take-away I have is that it's up to me to decide how I want to handle it, to forgive, to accept, and to simply love.
You have to be who you are. If you don't get along, what's wrong with that? You're no cliche, Aileen! Honesty with yourself is the best policy. When in contact with mum, let her words slide right past your heart. That's how I did it with my mother, may she rest in peace.
My mother must have been a carbon copy of yours. To her dying day, she adored me and did all those things you mentioned for me. But as far as I was concerned we lived in 2 very different worlds. My having children helped our relationship a little, but she could never even acknowledge her emotions, let alone relate to mine. I'm worried that my daughter views me the same way and this makes me sad.
Post a Comment
<< Home