Bye Bye Baby!

I'm not one of those women that yearns to have children. I have moments when I think I'd be a great mother. I also have moments when I see a baby and my heart melts. I've even thought on more than one occasion "Awww! I want that!"

I do agree with those that say it's one of life's greatest joys. And I hate to think that I may miss out on one of the greatest joys available. But I don't long for a child to the point where I would consider doing whatever it takes to have one.

Here's the exception: when I'm in love.

When I'm in love with a man (which has happened three times in my life), my longing for a baby becomes very strong. I can't help but think about what our child would look like, sound like, act like. I can even see a vision of father/baby together. Usually, in my visions and fantasies the baby is a boy. A miniature version of his father, with traces of me.

I am aware I'm sounding schoolgirl-ish, romantic, and a bit silly. Trust me when I say I don't consciously make myself have these types of thoughts-they just happen. I don't welcome them or want them. Even though in the moment they fill my heart with warmth and happiness- inevitably I am aware it makes things more difficult for me emotionally.

Why does it make it difficult? Because when I'm getting over the love, or moving past it- not only do I have to grieve the loss of the man I love and the relationship, I also find myself grieving the loss of our baby. I'm such a girl sometimes.