Inspiring Desire

This is going to be a politically incorrect post. I'm going to share something that I'm not exactly proud of, but am trying to explore. Lately, "putting it all out there" has been an effective way to explore the way I feel.

Last night, I went to see the movie "Marie Antoinette". I was not all that familiar with the history, or the details of the movie, so I had no expectations. The previews struck me as being very visually appealing, and that's what drew me in.

As many of you know, Marie Antoinette married the Dauphan of France at a very young age (14, I think?) Anyway, it appears that this young couple did not consummate their marriage for a very long time (1 year? 2 years? not sure). It's the response to this that evoked certain familiar, yet uncomfortable feelings in me. What happened is that poor Marie Antoinette was blamed for the fact that her husband was unable (or unwilling) to perform. There were many political and practical reasons why Marie Antoinette was supposed to produce an heir asap. The public made snide comments, her advisors were constantly hounding her about the issue, and her mother sent her letters scolding (advising?) her.

One of her mother's letters said something to the effect of "It is unacceptable that a young woman with your particular charms be unable to inspire desire in your husband."

So here is my embarrassing disclosure: One of the messages that was ingrained in me was that a "real" woman has the power to inspire a man sexually and emotionally. That somehow there is an inherent "power" that women possess that enables them to not only find a man, but to compel them to make a commitment mind, body, and soul. It was this power that makes a woman special, and essentially makes a woman a woman.

I have no idea where these beliefs came from! It's not like I come from a family of femme fatales. However, I do come from a matriarchal extended family that was dominated and controlled by the women. All the women were married, and divorce was not an option. Neither was singlehood, for that matter.

Does it matter that every ounce of my intellect is aware of the absurdity of these beliefs? Not much. I can tell myself over and over again that I am not a failure as a woman because I haven't fully "inspired" a man. I am well aware that my worth as a woman and a person is so much bigger than that. I have spent my life establishing myself as a strong-minded, independent, and successful woman. But deep, deep, down there's a tiny little voice that says otherwise.

I'm trying to think of a way to put a gag on that voice.