Reunion Update: The Corruption of Beauty

I did it. I went out to dinner with an ex that I hadn't seen or talked to in eight years. Even though this happened days ago, I'm still processing the experience.

Let me give you a little background. I met Jean (pronounced "John" with a soft jh sound) back in 1997; he was 28, I was 30. He had moved here from Lebanon just two years earlier. He was well mannered, sweet and considerate. Very traditional and a devoted Christian. He was just starting his own business and was very intense about it. He was determined to be successful.

He also happened to be absolutely gorgeous. And extraordinarily passionate and sensual. When Jude Law hit Hollywood a couple years later, I remember thinking "Wow! He looks just like Jean!" Seriously. Except Jean had darker hair and vibrant green eyes.

When I met him, Jean was focused on becoming successful, but he clearly wanted to have a traditional life- marriage and family- sometime in the next few years. However, he was pretty honest with me from the beginning that he wanted to marry a Lebanese woman. So I knew that we were never "long term" potential. Jean and I only dated for about 6 months or so, but we remained pretty close friends for about a year afterwards. Until I moved away.

We lost touch quickly. Until last year when I found his business online and sent him an email. It was when things were getting heated in Lebanon, and I inquired about his family. We exchanged a few emails. Recently, when I found out I would be in his town for business, I let him know I was coming. He suggested we get together and I accepted, even though I had some reservations.

He told me to call him as soon as I arrived in town. I did. I was surprised at the slight "flutter" reaction to the sound of his voice. I had forgotten about his accent and how appealing I always thought it was. I had also forgotten how difficult it was to make plans with him. The time and circumstances of our "date" kept changing, and I had a memory that he was like that when we dated.

When he came to pick me up at my hotel, I was extremely nervous. So many insecurities. How much have I aged? Am I still as attractive as I was? I was extremely concerned about my weight (which I don't usually worry about), and my recent 12 lb loss helped a little, but not completely. I found it interesting that he has the same convertible blue BMW. I remembered that when I met him, he was disappointed that I wasn't more impressed with his car.

I hadn't even thought about the fact that he would be different. He no longer looked sweet. He looked and dressed very European. His style was fashionable in a careless sort of way. Not polished like he was when he was younger. In fact, he looked a lot like this picture of Hugh Jackman.

We went to PF Chang's in my old neighborhood. We shared stories about when we were dating to see what we each remembered. It was interesting to hear about what he remembered. We talked about our first date and the "line" he used.

He wasn't serious or intense at all. He was comfortably confident. In fact, his confidence simply oozed. Not in a cocky sort of way-just extremely self-assured. We caught each other up on what's happened over the past eight years. His business has been very successful, he is now invested in two other businesses. And his goals have changed.

He has no thoughts of getting married or getting in a relationship any time soon. Why? What has changed? Well, I believe he has discovered what it means to be beautiful, financially successful, and free. I think he has turned into a player. Though he denied my teasing accusation vehemently. He asked why people automatically assume a man is a player because he doesn't have a girlfriend or a wife. He asked what is wrong with the fact that he enjoys meeting people, dating, have fun, etc. He claims he never misleads. He is always honest about the fact that he's "not looking for a serious relationship". (And we all know how women respond when we hear that!)

Apparently, most of his friends are married or in a serious relationship and it doesn't look good from where he sits. He says "why do people act like they are married when they aren't?" He comments on the fact that when people are in relationships, they can't spend time with others, and in some cases, they can't even look at other people without getting into "trouble". I ask him if he gets lonely. He responds "sometimes", but that's the "price to pay for the freedom".

Jean was surprised to hear that this is a radical change from the man I knew 10 years ago. He didn't remember being so traditionally focused. He also feels bad that he's not as religious as he once was. He kept referring to his former self as a "child", a "baby".

He asked about my romantic history. I gave him a brief rundown. He asked about specific men, "Was he white?" This struck me as odd, since I'm not used to thinking that way. I told Jean it never really occurred to me that he wasn't white. He said "well I'm not." He said he has to check the box "other" when filling out forms.

He was surprised to hear that I wasn't a practicing Catholic. When I told him I wasn't Christian- he said "Yes you are! You always wore a cross around your neck!" I didn't have the heart to tell him that cross had belonged to my ex-fiance. He was glad to hear I no longer smoke. And confused that I no longer drink.

So, you're probably wondering- were there sparks? Um. Yeah. Like crazy. Even though we are even less suited for each other today than we were 10 years ago. The moment we made eye contact it was pretty electric. He was definitely trying to impress me. It seemed important to him to show me how well his life has turned out, and that he was still a good person. He wanted me to know all about every sucess he's had. And it wasn't in a bragging sort of way. It was more in a "looking for approval" sort of way. I know that sounds odd, but that's how it was.

And he also kept referring to how "inexperienced" he had been when we were together. The implication was clear. It occurred to me that he was looking for a "do-over". That he almost wanted to show me how much he had learned. Ironically, I don't remember him that way at all. I don't remember inexperience. I remember passion. The out of control kind. The kind where technique doesn't matter.

But it was still flattering and a little amusing to see him try to seduce me. It was surprising that when our hands would touch, it felt familiar yet thrilling.

It was a fun, enjoyable evening. But it didn't really feel like I was having dinner with the person I dated 10 years ago. It felt like a completely different Aileen and Jean.

And I was absolutely thrilled that he wanted to see me again the very next night.