Maintaining Connection
Sometime in my early 30's, I realized that I didn't need a man to be happy. Yeah, it took me awhile. When I realized that my fulfillment comes from having emotional connection, it was clear that such connections did not have to come exclusively from a romantic relationship. In fact, even when I was in an emotionally intimate romantic relationship, many of my emotional needs were still met by my friends.
The first couple decades of my life I struggled with developing meaningful friendships with girls. The last two, I've spent a lot of time correcting that. Now, I'm at another crossroads.
The older I get, the more I desire deep, real connections. And it takes time to develop those. Quality and quantity. Now I'm seeing that even once you establish those deep connections, it takes time to maintain that level of intimacy. And I struggle with finding the time, and finding others that have that time as well.
As a result, I have a pretty wide circle of "acquaintances"- people that I've bonded with and could potentially be very close to, if time warranted. The number of people that I have a long-term deep friendship with has narrowed to a very few. As a single person without a family, this is an issue. It's an issue because in order to have my emotional needs met, I need a connection with someone who is available. And since we get busier as we get older, it stands to reason that one would need a larger number of close connections in order to ensure that someone is available when you need them.
OK, as I read over this post it sounds extremely self-centered and self-serving. But hey, this is a blog, so is that really a surprise? The reality is that not only do I need intimate friendships in order to get my emotional needs met, but I need to feel like I am helping someone get their needs met as well. It all goes together.
And on a random Sunday afternoon when I'm craving connection, if I only have two close friends and they are both booked, what's a girl to do?
I've actually given thought to ways that I can implement some kind of "structure" to my Connection Maintenance. A spreadsheet? A phone call schedule? Personalized email blasts? Do I need to schedule further out in advance in order to spend quality time with loved ones?
Crazy, I know.
posted by Aileen @ 11:12 PM
13 comments
13 Comments:
Plus, you're still traveling alot, right? That's gotta make it more difficult.
Don't mistake soul-searching for self-centered or self-serving. They all require a self, but we can tell the difference.
You can't make old friends. The primary rule of marketing: don't lose the contacts you've got. It's hard. But treasure the people you love, and make an effort with those you think will end up in that category. Take risks. Actually listen to people. But in my late forties, having a number of friends I've known for more than half my life, I can honestly say: it's worth it.
Added cliche at no extra cost: what you give is worth more than what you receive. So make sure you do something to meet others' emotional needs as much as make sure that they meet yours.
Actually, encountering other kindred or at least well-aligned spirits goes a long way towards maing new friends seem like very old ones. I think of my friend, the "crazy hippie lady" blogger, as a prime example. I've known her 2 years going on 20, and if you ask her, she'll tell you we've known each other in past lives as well. (This is of course utterly ridiculous, because in my past life as Oliver Cromwell I would have had absolutely no use for hippies and such.)
Ulysses- I'm not traveling as much lately. I think that may be why this issue seems more noticeable to me at the moment- I have a little more free time!
Foilwoman- Yes, being a "giving" friend is very important to me! And making time for those you love is key.
Hammer- great point. I find it interesting how sometimes when you meet someone, you instantly feel on the same wavelength or cut from the same cloth. Even if you don't have that much in common. I think it's very possible that Reya is correct! (But Cromwell? I think it's more likely you were Sir Henry Morgan!)
I too understand the need for gaining more close friendships. Even though I have a fab hubby, I only have one close girlfriend - and she's moving away to Florida this summer!! I'm am not looking forward to "losing" her. I know, I can call and email, but it's not the same as hooking up for lunch or a pizza night. And it's very sad that as we get older, making friends is so much harder. Just WHERE do you meet people?!?! Sigh.
I think I've spent most of my adult life maintaining friendships. I probably spend more time and energy on that than my job, and it's hard. And time consuming. And sometimes they go horribly, horribly awry (I'm not the best at picking people) but the ones that work out... They make it all worthwhile.
That doesn't help at all.
I guess the biggest part of it, for me, is accepting my friends, despite (and because) of their flaws and knowing that they're not going to give me everything I need, being OK with what they can give and filling in the gaps of what I need with other resources.
wordwitch- I hear you! Most of my dearest friends live in other cities...As for where to meet new people, I have TONS of ideas about that. Feel free to drop me an email!
kristin-Yes, you nailed it. My closest friends know all my flaws, and I know theirs, and we love each other anyway. Isn't that what true friendship is about?
I wasn't a hippie in past lifetimes, Oliver - err I mean Hammer. Remember?
OK, seriously though, Hammer does speak for me. I know what you mean about long time friends. I have very few of those - mostly my family and a very small handful of others who mostly live in other cities anyway.
Though Hammer and I have not known each other long in this lifetime, we trust our connection. It's just there, holding steady.
The love and connection is all around you. Really!
It's possible that in a prior life Reya was a witch, in which case my Cromwellian self would have not only had her burned at the stake, but I would have used the flames to heat up a massive plate of tater tots. (Tater tots were invented in 1612, so don't even start with me...)
Now, now, you two, cut it out! You're starting to disprove your argument about new friends feeling like old friends! ;)
aileen i really identify with this post. I don't quite have a spread sheet or phoning schedule - but i do make dates pretty far ahead sometimes...
some of my old friendships are like tough plants - they'll survive neglect but they do much better given some regular attention
I am so happy to have found this blog. I just had a good cry and decided to google "why so hard to be close friends as you get older" and here you all are.
I've never written on line but I'm giving it a try as you all seem to "get It"
Your blog was encouraging to me as a single woman that I am not the only one in the world who feels as you do, that it is very difficult to fulfill my emotional needs. I recently have lost a connection and I find this loss very difficult considering I don't have so many connections in the first place. So, thanks for your blog, it helps me to understand my own feelings. Just thanks! You are welcome to write to me if you want.
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