Truth

I remember being extraordinarily happy as a young child. I had a very strong view of myself- I felt loved, smart, special, talented, pretty. When I started school, I loved it. I was social, I had good grades. I was well-liked. I liked boys at a very young age (as early as kindergarten), and they liked me. I remember assuming my life would always be full and special. Fame and Family, that's what I would have.

Things began to change in about the fifth grade. Ten years old. Being smart was no longer a good thing. I was no longer considered so pretty and popular. I remember often thinking "I think I'm pretty special, I wonder why they don't think so?"

Puberty, adolescence, and the teen years were very tough just like they are for so many others. I believe these were the years that killed my self-esteem. Being smart was no longer a good thing, in fact, it often made me a target. I developed a tough exterior which only seemed to draw more criticism and conflict. I gave off an aura of being stuck up, which of course didn't help matters any.

I still thought my life was going to be all about having a great husband and family, while still having an amazing and special career. I couldn't wait to be a grown-up.

While harboring those hopes, I also noticed a sense of identity forming. Who was I? I was the smart, pretty girl, that thought she was special but knew that not too many people agreed with her. I was the girl that had to date boys from other schools because the ones at her own school knew she wasn't "dating material". The girl that was good at a lot of things, but if she took pride in that fact she was considered stuck-up and was alienated from others.

Did I lack confidence? Not at all. My belief in myself and my abilities grew. I became very convincing in my ability to seem unaffected by pain.

The smarter, wiser, more experienced I became, the more disconnected I felt from my peers. I never felt like I was a part of the typical social structures.

Sometimes I lie and tell people I never got married because I focused on my career goals in my twenties. That's not true. Any professional success I have had, I've accomplished "on the side". Most of my time, energy, focus, has been put into trying to find my partner. Or into becoming a person that is "worthy" of such love.

So why has such a "special" person been unable to find the one thing she's always wanted? At some point in those early years, I began to believe the doubts. I believed that I am the girl without a partner. The girl that won't have a family. The girl that is missing some critical element that every other woman has. The girl that doesn't deserve a partner. The girl that will always struggle in her search.

I'm done with this. I'm done with this flawed, inaccurate, yet stubborn vision I have of myself. I'm ready for a new chapter.