An Alternate Universe

When I was 28 years old, I was living with the man that I was engaged to at the time, Fred. I know I have mentioned him several times in this blog, and I've mentioned that he passed away while we were together.

What has struck me is an ongoing storyline that involves Fred, in the never-ending movie that is my dreams.

What happens is that from time to time I have a dream about Fred. It's not a recurring dream. But it's like a sequel. Instead of it being connected to reality- it's a continuation in some way of the last dream I had about him. And usually it is several weeks or months between Fred dreams.

In the past month, I've had two Fred dreams and that is more than usual. I'm not sure why, although I have my suspicions.

Now, keep in mind, Fred has been out of my life for about 12 years.

Several years ago, when these alternate storylines began, it was a dream where I ran into Fred at a sporting event. He was with another woman, and although he knew I was there, he was trying to avoid me. In my dream, I thought to myself "But I thought he was dead?" Seeing him was painful, but I didn't approach him or talk to him in the dream.

Over the years, I had different variations of this dream, where I would "run into" Fred at unexpected places. Sometimes we would speak very briefly, he was usually unkind in some way. In one particular dream, I remember telling him about his death and he looked at me with such confusion.

In another of these alternate universe dreams, I heard that he was living in the next town. (I am still living in Orlando in these dreams.) I looked him up in the phone book- and there he was! With much trepidation, I dialed his number- and he answered. (I remember I could hear his voice sooo clearly in this dream, it stayed with me all day.) On the phone I asked him what had happened.

He explained to me that he never died. He was taken to the hospital and was there for many months (or years?). Apparently, after he recovered, it took a long time for him to remember any of the details of what had happened to him. And to me. Of course I was confused- I was there when it happened, the paramedics told me he was dead. What about the funeral? What about the fact that I had sold everything that was his- including his home? How could he not come to me to tell me he was back?

He had decided that because of everything I'd been through, it was best to let me be. That I was better off on my own with my life as it was.

Every time I had one of these dreams I woke up in pain. Pain over the reminder of the loss, but also pain that it was a dream. In the dream, even though I wasn't with him, I was happy and secure in knowing he was alive and he loved me. In these dreams, I was sure there would come a day when we would be together again. I was patient, it didn't bother me that there would be several weeks or months between contact with him (which was typically the space between the dream occurrences.)

One of the most recent dreams I had was quite intense. I "ran into" Fred at a party. He walked straight up to me with the same smile on his face that I remember from when we were together. He came as close as he could without actually touching me. Our faces were just a few inches apart and he was looking at me deeply in the eyes. And for the first time in many, many years- I felt the same passion between us as we had had at the peak of our time together. It was intense, and it came from the gut. It took my breath away.

Then I woke up.

So why are these dreams significant to me? Apart from the fact that there is some pleasure in seeing Fred from time to time, these dreams have also helped me to understand myself a little bit better. In the past, I have beaten myself up over my apparent inability to let go of a relationship when it is clearly "over". Those closest to me have also sometimes been concerned when it seems I can't move on.

I forgive myself. It is now perfectly understandable to me that once I love someone, and feel they love me, there is a bond there that may never be completely severed. Anyone that has read this blog for any length of time knows that this is a big deal to me- unconditional love. I feel it and give it freely, and it seems that one of my primary objectives in life is to seek out others who do the same.

This does not mean that I don't move on. I do. In my own way and in my own time. I do become open and ready for more love, but it doesn't mean that the prior love is gone or over. That's just how I am.