The Etiquette of "Ex"
Over the past week or so, I've had conversations with four of my ex-boyfriends. It wasn't deliberate- I did not initiate all of the conversations. Coincidence, I guess. The purpose of the conversations, the circumstances of each were widely varied. My feelings towards these men are vastly different as well- ranging from a vague caring to deep love.
The experience got me thinking. About friendships. With ex's. I am full of questions, starting with the most basic:
Is it possible to be friends, true friends, with an ex?
I have been faced with the "friendship with the ex" scenario from every conceivable angle:
A) I've been the girlfriend in a relationship who is still friends with her ex.
B) I've been the girlfriend that has a boyfriend that's still friends with his ex.
C) I've been the friend of an ex that has a girlfriend.
D) Finally, I've been friends with an ex, while neither of us were in new relationships, typically resulting in some sort of fwb scenario.
My opinion about the friends-with-ex situation changed drastically depending on which side of the equation I was coming from.
I guess it starts with a "why bother"? Do I really need another friend that badly? The answer to that is, "that depends". When I make a true connection with someone, it is very difficult, almost impossible, to let go of it. It is shocking to think that I need to remove that person from my life forever just because we won't have a romantic future together. And sometimes I love them so deeply, I just want to see how their life turns out.
So this leads to a series of questions. What can the friendship look like? Does it need to change when one or both of you are seeing someone else? Is there a necessary "blackout" period between the end of a relationship and the time when you can become friends with that person? What if you still love them- does that make friendship impossible? Can friends really have a sexual relationship? Do you have to wait until all of your feelings are gone (which would mean you probably don't want a friendship with them anyway)? What if there is chemistry and always will be? Does the friendship always defer to whatever romantic relationship either of you are in? Do we need to ask our significant others for permission to continue the friendship? If you live in different states, can you visit each other?
Ha!! Clearly all these "voices from my past" have caused the wheels to spin in my brain. But if you have thoughts on even one of the above questions...please, share!
posted by Aileen @ 1:36 AM
16 comments
16 Comments:
Try turning your questions on their head for a minute.
You have true friends that you aren't in a "relationship" with. You like some things about them, but not the right combination of things in the right amounts for it to go to the next level. Ex's are the same, except for a while you thought that maybe the combination was right. As long as there was no violation of trust (which even your friends can do, with similar results) aren't you in the same position as with your friends (as long as you can both deal with being found "only" good enough to be a friend)?
Of course, if the break-up involved one of you trying to stab the other with plastic cutlery or drawing analogies to, say, the devil, then it's possible you were dating someone who only truly existed in idealized form. Some of those people I, I mean, um, you, don't need as friends. Cause there's always sharp objects around...
friendship doesnt seek any former or latter stuffs...it all depends on the way u take things in life...if u think on the other way round...u'll see there's no problem in maintaining a relation with thes emen as long as u stop taking them as ur EX and start thinking of everything as a new relation..now its ur take...best wishes :)
Ulysses, you're so smart!!
Aileen, so are you!!
I think the reason to try to be friends with exes is because you once loved them, and so probably they're still comfortable somewhere within your heart. That said, I've never successfully stayed friends with any ex, even though I've tried.
I haven't been able to stay friends with any ex. Like Reya, I've tried. I continue to try. There's just too much emotion. It's hard for me to step back from the intimacy, knowing someone's naked thoughts as well as everything else, and place them at a safe distance. My heart gets confused.
I've been married for 12 years. So my ex's happened too many years ago. Consequently, I'm not sure if you want to hear from me on this topic. But I'll tell you what I think anyway. I think, like life, being friends with ex's is messy. And when you are in a committed relationship it makes it hard on that relationship if you're still visiting ex's. I also wonder if you can really let go of the physical attraction you had and also the hope that this one would go the distance. Maybe after several years have passed ex's can turn into good friends, but they'd probably have to be your partner's friend too in order for it to work (or you would have to be their partner's friend as the case may be). What would you think about that?
I think you just have to feel it out in every situation. If there's a lot of bad blood, it probably isn't going to work. If one of the parties is still attracted to the other, it probably isn't going to work. If one (or both) of the parties isn't mature enough to handle it, it probably isn't going to work. But I wouldn't say that it isn't worth a try sometimes.
In answer to another of your questions, I think it's absolutely true that your friendships change and morph throughout various phases of your life. My platonic friendships do, and because of all the 'messiness' involved in being friends with an ex, I think those relationships could possibly have to change more and more often than others to remain feasible.
Wow. I think that there are so many other tangents involved that the answers could be endless.
I still keep in touch with a few of my exes via MySpace and such. But they're all married, and so am I, so it's much different.
Maybe it's different when you have someone, but I see each and every one of my relationships as learning moments that have made me who I am today. Viewing it that way, I could be friends with any one of them, although there are a few that I probably wouldn't be able to stand that much.
Take care!
Love the pic, by the way!
My ex (Shila) and I are still great friends and she is re-married to a friend I've known for 30 years (jeff). A few years ago I had a girl I was head over heels with (lily)...
What a mutual friend told me was this, and it still cracks me up...
"Jeff is very jealous of you, and Shila is very jealous of Lily"
People are funny.
I just LOVE getting so many different perspectives on a topic...
Ulysses- excellent points. Your comment- "as long as you can both deal with being found "only" good enough to be a friend" really resonates for me. Unfortunately, it seems that it has been easier for me to be a friend if I was the "dumper" in the relationship as opposed to the "dumpee".
Robert- true. I'm not sure we can ever think of an ex as a "just a friend", and not think of them as an ex.
Reya- I never thought about it as a comfort issue- that's an interesting thought. And in some cases, I think it's worth trying.
Kristin- I'm not sure you need to "step back from the intimacy". It just takes on a different form, no? It's the intimacy that causes a desire to keep the person in your life.
El Nino- I always want your opinion! :) But I think the subject of marriage is a whole different ball game. The ex that I was best friends with for more than a decade- we ended our friendship when he got married out of respect for his marriage. (Unfortunately, his wife didn't like the friendship.) We were able to have a "goodbye" conversation, and I know that we will always love each other. I was referring more to dating situations, since that's what I'm faced with more regularly.
Belle- good insights. I think both parties would have to really want the friendship to work pretty badly, because it probably would take more work, flexibility, understanding etc. than a "typical" friendship.
Josh- Nice to get another married perspective on this. I like the part about looking at relationships as "learning moments"...however, it's hard to think of it that way when you've never been married. There I times when I feel that I've been a "learning moment" way too many times. It hurts to know that you've made such an impact on someone's life, and then you have to step aside and give up the friendship/relationship so they can apply their "learning" to someone else.
Steve- that is interesting. A friend of mine had these two married couples that had a very similar scenario. Each person in the foursome had been either married or in a serious relationship with both of the members of the opposite sex. (Kind of like if Jeff and Lily had been in a relationship before marrying you and Shila). And they are all best friends now. I had forgotten about that in regards to this issue until you left your comment!
I am still friends with some of my ex's. There are some that I just know so well that I feel like we know too much about one another to not be friends. It is like I grew up with them. It is nice to have someone like that around sometimes.
My ability to remain in friendships with my ex's depended largely on the terms under which we parted. If there was a lot of anger on either side, then it's probably best to just let the relationship go. But many times, these people know us better than anyone else and it seems a shame to just throw it all away because you are no longer lovers. However, if you find your thoughts are constantly turning to physical memories and one or both of you is not in a position to go there again, then it's probably best not to have the temptation. We are all a little like Pavlov's dog...
po- I agree with you totally! That's what makes it difficult for me to just cut someone out of my life.
barbara- excellent points. And I do think the physical attraction would have to either be gone, or minimal. For me, when I "fall out of love" with someone, I have a tendency to cease being physically attracted as well. Sometimes to the point of wondering how I was ever attracted to them in the first place!
I've never pulled off being friends with an ex. I've been married for just over six years now, and I have no contact at all with ex's and neither does my husband. Not because either one of us is like, "You will NEVER SPEAK TO THAT PERSON AGAIN" or anything, there just doesn't happen to be anyone that he or I are friends with that we have that kind of past with.
But before the whole marriage thing, I wasn't able to pull it off either. I'd either end up making out with someone I really didn't want to be making out with because we were DONE with that, or I'd sit there comparing myself to the new person in his life, and I'd get jealous or bitter or whatever. It just never worked for me.
That said, I have friends who HAVE made it work. I don't know how, but they have...
I am friends with all of my exes except for the most recent. I think it's because he is the only one I ever saw in terms of the rest of my life (and because it's too soon, even though it's been six months). I don't know how to incorporate him into my life in a new category. Maybe in time; maybe never. The others, though, probably fit in those other categories better to begin with, so I'm able to reclassify and be friends. I do back off if their current relationships require it, though.
I should add that I want desperately to be a part of his life, and that every day I have to actively decide to protect my heart by not calling. So it's not like I am intelligent about my reasoning for not wanting to be friends-- it's for survival. :)
You are so right about wondering (in some cases) after the fact about what the attraction had been. Maybe it has to do with having experienced something different or better with someone else.
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