Spring Cleaning

This is the most painful emotional work I've had to do in quite some time. I'm clearing out all of my old "stuff". I'm working on breaking old, damaging patterns of behavior. And I'm facing fears and trying to find my voice.

It's all bubbling to the surface- as I dredge up the issues that have restricted me from growth, it seems like it's snowballing. Some of the things I'm facing are with my full intention, but it has led to other things happening that I did not consciously cause.

I have recently been the recipient of very lengthy constructive (some harsh) criticism that was delivered to me in an unsupportive and almost callous manner. It cut me to the core since it confirmed some of my insecurities and doubts. But oddly enough, it also stemmed from the same issues I've been working on in other areas of my life.

There's no way I can avoid it anymore: I must speak up. I must tell the truth. I must say what I think and feel and ask for what I need. I need to stop handing over my power. I need to stop holding back my value. I get it. I see the patterns. They say we teach people how to treat us. It's time for me to change the syllabus.

I began this soul-searching and clearing project initially to clear out room in my heart and in my life. A friend of mine said to someone the other day "She's making room for something new and something great." Thank God this friend has been with me for much of this week, as her support and tough love approach has been just what I needed. While I was in the midst of my pain she said to me, "Don't hit me, but I'm actually excited for you. You are a powerful woman and you've put a lid on that- you are finally looking at how you show up in the world, and I can see amazing things coming..."

Oddly enough, even though I feel afraid, anxious, sad, exhausted and overwhelmed, there is still a sense of optimism under everything else. I really do feel like I'm doing this work to get to someplace beautiful.