I Want to Like Her

I really do. I am embarrassed to admit this is something I struggle with. What kind of person does it make me?

But so far in my life, no matter how hard I try...I can't seem to truly enjoy my own mother.

Of course I love her, she's my mom. Occasionally I feel compassion for her, but even that doesn't seem to last long enough.

Take now, for example. She's been grieving for almost a year- first for the loss of her father (with whom she had a complicated relationship), and now for her mother (whose approval she was forever seeking). She does not appear to be handling it well (not that anyone handles grief well), she becomes sullen and a bit victim-like, with elements of immaturity, muttering phrases like "Life is never going to be the same".

Well, duh, Mom.

Of course, I try to be patient because she is hurting, and everyone handles this kind of pain differently. I've been encouraging her over and over to go see a grief counselor and she simply refuses. Her responses "There's nothing they can tell me that I don't already know" and "They are just going to say it's going to take time"...strike a nerve. They remind me of the adolescent response we received from my youngest adult brother when we forced him to go to rehab.

I think some of my annoyance with her is actually resentment. Or outright jealousy.

You see, my Mom, who will turn 65 this year, has had a very easy life.

This is the worst loss she has experienced thus far. She had very simple goals in life (get married, have kids), and these goals fell into place relatively easily (she did have two miscarriages, which must have been devastating). She and my Dad worked hard, but lived pretty comfortably. No major tragedies. No affairs. No divorce. No major financial crises.

My Mom would say her life is not perfect. What would make it perfect? If each of her four children had families of their own and lived within blocks of her. If her own children would treat her as the Matriarch, as she always treated her mom. Her entire life so far has been to gain approval and love from her mom (who never lived more than a couple miles away).

And now that her mom is gone, she is lost.

And I want to be close to her, to enjoy her while I still have her in my life. I have friends who have lost their moms and would give anything to trade places with me.

But I can't seem to get past the aspects of her that just drive me crazy. Her need for complete control. Her irrational stubbornness. Her narrow view of the world. Her martyr complex.

Pop-psychologists would probably say that what I hate in her is what I hate in myself. Could be true...but actually, what I think happens is that I am uber-aware of the pieces of her that I've inherited that I don't like, and I work super hard to minimize them.

OK. I thought writing out this confession would make me feel better. It hasn't.

Back to the drawing board.