Grow Up!

My mom is coming to visit this weekend. Actually
both of my parents are coming, but I tend to have a particularly difficult time with my mother.

I'm such a cliche'. A stereotypical adult single woman that has a lot of anger and resentment towards her mother that doesn't seem to get resolved. Yes, I've tried therapy.

I'm embarrassed to say that at times, I feel like I don't even like her very much. Trust me, I could list all of the reasons.

My mom is aware that I have a lot of anger towards her. Actually- scratch that- I think she just knows I have a lot of anger. I don't necessarily think that she believes it's all aimed at her. She thinks I'm an angry, resentful, unhappy person, because that is usually what she sees.

I've pinpointed an issue here that has repeated itself in other key areas of my life. What makes me most angry at my mother is her lack of accountability in the situation. Her total lack of self-awareness at what she could have possibly done to contribute to the situation. Her "martyr-like" attitude when she asks my sister-in-law things like "I don't know what I've done to make her so angry at me!"

You may be wondering what could she have done? I mean, I'm a fully grown woman- I should have gotten over it by now, right? In a nutshell, she made me feel like I wasn't "enough". She never seemed to make an effort to understand me. She minimized my feelings and my experiences throughout my life.

And yes- I should be over it by now. But apparently, I'm not.

There have been times in my life when I've tried to tell her some of what she's done...she becomes defensive, dismissive, basically doesn't want to hear it. Adopts a "grow up!" sort of attitude. So I gave up years ago trying to explain myself.

I am determined to improve the situation somehow. I mean- she is my mother, and she does love me, even if she failed to make that impression on me strongly enough. Add to that the fact that she is getting older (and it freaks me out sometimes when I hear an "old lady voice" come out of her over the phone) so I realize it's now time for me to step up and take full accountability for the relationship. She isn't going to change at this point in her life. I have to.

The "aha!" moment I've had is that this has carried over into my romantic life. Not only do I have the bad habit of finding men who manage to make me feel like I'm not "enough"...I seethe with anger when they refuse to take accountability for hurting me. When they refuse to admit they have done anything wrong, and instead accuse me of being critical or judgemental.

Now when I take a step back and see where my reactions are coming from, I can be a bit more objective. My anger at them isn't just about the current situation. It's about all the unresolved anger I carry as well. And I'm smart enough to realize that it's not fair to unload all of that on someone. I am making the person (and the situation) far more important that it needs to be. Yes, she(he) hurt me. Yes, we are both accountable for it. So what? So what if she(he) is more accountable than she(he) wants to admit? Is that my problem? No. My problem is to accept my own responsibility for my own actions, to learn from it, to move on, to grow, and hopefully apply it in such a way that will make me a better person.