Strength
The other day, a friend was telling me that she thinks I am very strong. She described it as a "strong character". I was flattered, it was nice of her to say so. I've heard this comment many times in my life. It's a trait I have been reasonably proud of.
But what is strength?
When people have told me I am strong, it's been for different reasons. Sometimes, it has been due to how I have handled severe tragedy. Other times, I think they mean "independent" instead of strong. Or they mean "resilient", "persistent", or downright "tough". I have had mentors describe my level of "competence" in terms of strength.
I often think of my grandmother as strong. And it's usually because of all of the above reasons. I've admired her strength.
At times, my "strength" feels like a burden. It feels like a mask. My ability to repress negative emotions and my comfort with denial has often been mistakenly categorized as strength. Often I feel more is expected of me. I can handle more hardship. I've even put this expectation on myself. I recall a conversation I had with my brother about our youngest brother. I mentioned that if one of us is supposed to live life without a partner, I hope it's me, because he's not strong enough to handle that. Huh? I'm usually not such a martyr-type, believe me.
Religious people often say something along the lines of "God doesn't give us more difficulty than we can handle". So what does that mean for us "strong people"?
What happens when we get tired? I think that's where I am. I'm tired of being strong. It's quite exhausting, after all. When I go for a massage, the therapist often comments "wow, you have knots in your shoulders". Perhaps it's all the weight they carry. My shoulders are tired too.
On rare occasions, I am able to make myself vulnerable. To open up, to let someone in. To show weakness, to be weak. To allow someone else to have the upper hand. Often that other person takes advantage and I end up hurt. In fact, that's what happens most of the time. Yet, I still feel that a key to establishing deeper connections with those I love requires me to be vulnerable.
So what does it mean to be strong? And how does one keep the right balance?
posted by Aileen @ 6:44 PM
10 comments
10 Comments:
Is it ever possible to find a balance between strength and vulnerability? I guess one aspect of being strong is the ability and willingness to move beyond what has hurt us.
As the "friend" in this scenerio,the strength that I have seen and that I greatly admire and made mention of is the same strength I see in my own daughter. I have witnessed that strength in action many times in her and in you my friend. It is a strength that neither denies the "reality of pain, nor represses negative emotions", but rather it is the determination to do the right thing for yourself and others inspite of the pain. It is the determination to not succumb to the pain, by not lowering one's standards to relieve it. It is accepting the reality of the emotions yet the ability to maintain a focus on the ultimate goal that you seek.
That to me is strength. It is very akin to the difference between a hero and a coward, as I've heard it previously explained.
Heroes and Cowards both share the same fears, but heroes do not succumb to fear.Rather they overcome it by action towards their goal.
And those are traits that speak of vulnerability and strength intertwined.
That is the strength that I saw admire in you both.
I love this image of Strength, from the Rider-Waite tarot deck. It's an image of balance and compassion, of a person with all part of herself working for the best. Her god-soul, floating above her head, reflects the infinity of the spirit. Her humanness is illustrated as beautiful, gentle and focused. Her animal-soul is both fierce and tame because of the balance and attention.
I imagine you this way, Aileen. Strong and beautiful.
Thanks for asking.
I too am strong. I too am tired of being strong. And I definitely am in need of a massage. Unfortunately the massage is just a temporary Bandaid.
Wow! I've been visited by four wise (and strong!) women!
Thank you for the beautiful words.
I've been described as strong. But as you know, my strength worked against me and crumbled not too long ago. For me, it came down to asking for help. I am capable of a lot but that doesn't mean I should do it all myself. So I am finding a new source of strength in asking friends and family for help to do the many things life requires us to do on a daily basis and to share the burdens and the joys of that. All my love, beautiful, strong friend.
I think strength is actually admiting to weakness as well as surpassing that weakness. Sometimes asking for help shows how strong you really are...
People have said the same about me, you know, about being strong in certain situations.
I think that our biggest weakness is vulnerability. Sometimes vulnerability is a good thing. It's hard for strong people to show weakness, though.
Good post.
Just a thought on the strength vs vulnerable thing...wouldn't true strength be seen in the person who was so true to themselves, in being themselves,that the world's rebuke didn't necessitate building a wall or shield? Or wearing a mask or trying/pretending so hard to be strong?Why is it so important to be seen as strong all the time? Isn't showing the real you the more courageous thing and therefore the stronger? Just asking. Halle Berre
Excellent points, all.
el- Yes. Your experience really got me thinking about strength. I feel like I've learned from you as you've gone through it.
ladies man and ue- you are both right, I think. Thanks for your observations.
Anonymous- love this response! I think as one looks at this issue, it's like peeling an onion. You have revealed a layer to me that I hadn't considered. Thank you.
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