I'm a lousy friend sometimes

I skipped a friend's baby shower last weekend. It's true that I had a cold and didn't feel that well, but I could have gone.

My reasons were 100% selfish. I find showers to be painful. So much so that if I get married or have a baby, I suspect I will not want a shower as it will remind me of the pain of the past.

I want to celebrate the joy that's experienced by those I love and care for, I really do. And if it involves someone that I am very close to, I will usually "suck it up" and do what it takes for the other person. But not all the time.

I had already decided that I would buy the gift online- in order to avoid actually having to go to "Babies R Us". (On a somewhat related note- I once had a boyfriend that said that since I love babies so much, I should look into a career at a place like "Babies R Us". Which just confirmed for me that men have no inkling how painful the biological clock can be.)

How do I adequately explain my selfish reaction? Not sure I can. All I can say is that my emotions on this particular subject are pretty raw at the moment, so attending a function where the focus is on pregnancy and labor and babies, is like getting a fresh wound infected.

Nevertheless, I was going to "do the right thing" and go. But then the clincher. I received an email from the organizer. There was mention of "playing games"...and she asked us to bring plenty of dimes and quarters. Apparently, she purchased an "adorable little piggy bank" and every time one of us says the word "baby", we have to put a coin in the piggy bank. Ugh. I had forgotten about all the shower "rituals". Probably designed because at one time, women that were having showers were still in their teens. I was suddenly filled with such dread that I knew I had to stay home.

I'm not looking for validation, or forgiveness or pity. I don't feel guilty that I didn't go. But I do feel guilty that I don't feel guilty.

ps...As I've mentioned in previous posts, I have several nephews and a niece that I love very much. I was also honored to be present at the birth of a very close friend's son...whom I also consider a nephew. Spending time with these babies does not have a negative effect on me...it's quite the opposite, as I consider it nourishment for my soul. It's this odd ritual of showers that seems to hurt for some reason.