Identity, part I
i·den·ti·ty (ahy-den-ti-tee) n.1. The set of behavioral or personal characteristics by which an individual is recognizable as a member of a group.
2. The distinct personality of an individual regarded as a persisting entity; individuality.
On Christmas Eve, my extended family gathered to celebrate at my grandmother's house. It was fun to see everyone, some of the relatives are people I generally only see on holidays or family functions. The house was filled with aunts, uncles, cousins, plenty of children of various ages, and my 85 year old (going on 50) grandmother, the Matriarch.
As we greeted loved ones that we haven't seen in awhile, the usual pleasantries were exchanged: "How have you been?" Everyone asked me about my business...I answered positively yet vaguely. My Aunt probed further until I gave more details. At one point I observed my Uncle J ask my brother "How is work going?" My brother was pretty neutral in his response (his work is going well, but I suspect he just didn't want to discuss it). Laughingly, Uncle J said "We men have to ask each other about work- it's our identity."
I interjected "That's really sad."
At that point, it became a conversation that involved about five or six of us. When my brother (chemical engineer) and my uncle (very successful stock broker) looked at me, I elaborated "Don't you think it's sad that men have to define themselves by work?" Of course I didn't stop there. "And women are defined by the children they have. That's their identity." Clearly, I wasn't thinking ahead- I was heading into murky waters.
My Aunt L (proud mother of two, and a successful technical writer- which we never discuss) says "It can be."
My sister-in-law, K (stay at home mother of two), disagrees vehemently "That's not true at all!"
When I tried to convince her otherwise, she still strongly held her position.
My brother says "Well, then what should it be? What's your identity?"
Oooops!!!!! He caught me. Unprepared. I had no idea how to respond. All I said (I swear with no bitterness or regret or anything) was "Well it's not the number of children I've produced."
Slightly awkward silence.
I was surprised to see my comment made others uncomfortable. Always jovial Uncle J says..."Wow we're getting heavy for Christmas Eve!" And the conversation quickly turned to other more superficial topics.
Less than five minutes later, I overheard my sister in law, K say to my Aunt L "I meant to tell you congratulations!"
"For what?"
"For Karen's wedding! And Jim getting a job at Goldman Sachs! Wow!"
Do I even need to say that Karen and Jim are Aunt L's children?
The entire exchange got me thinking.
posted by Aileen @ 2:13 AM
4 comments
4 Comments:
You're right. I don't have much to say to friends or family. They don't really want to know about my job or even my travel. I live in a world outside of theirs and it makes them uncomfortable.
I find that sad, too.
the exchange was interesting because the assumption from your post is there must be one and one only _"identity"_ for each one of us.But I identify myself as a father,a husband,a business owner,fitness enthusiast,Christian theologian wannabe,etc.If you pick one of these things to peg me by,you don't know me very well.I work,yes,but I am not my work.What your uncle did was put an "identity"of his own on someone else(us men and our work) which is so limiting and most of us would reject that as a definition of self.I would call that putting a lable on as a sort of human shorthand.We all have many facets and should, as you suggest resist,the pegs.
Kristin- I can relate to what you are saying and have faced the same thing. Sometimes I think it's partly my fault though- I feel like it's up to me to educate them on what to talk to me about!
Anon- yes! exactly! Part 2 of this post will address that exact sentiment...When I get around to writing it! :) Thanks for commenting- love to get a man's perspective!
What an interesting topic for a conversation (even better that it was unrehearsed).
Great post, and I agree with anon. There are many facets that make up a person's identity. Here in the Philippines, single women get asked the "so, when are you getting married" question all the time. Even though I'm married, I still cringe when I hear it being said to my single friends.
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