More About Mothers and Daughters
I had dinner with a good friend of mine last night and she was telling me about an argument that she had with her adult daughter. My friend, "Julie", is job hunting and trying to cut back her financial budget to give herself time to find the right job. She owns a home, and her adult daughter recently moved to the area. Julie suggested to her daughter that they live together- it could help both of them to get their finances together.
Julie's daughter reacted strongly and emotionally, saying "I want my independence! I don't want to live with you!"
I could see the hurt in Julie's eyes as she told the story. She didn't let her daughter know how hurt she was. But she let me know, "How could her independence be more important than love? How could she act like I was expecting too much? We are family- I sacrificed education, a career, staying with a man just for the stability for her. How could it be too much to ask her to help me out?"
I could empathize with her. It pained me to see her in pain. But it also pains me to say that I could more closely identify with her daughter's reactions than I could to my friend's expectations. As my friend expressed her thoughts and feelings, I could feel the familiar triggers in me. It made me uncomfortable. I knew without a doubt, I would have the same reaction if my mother made a similar request of me.
In my head, I heard myself responding "You chose to make sacrifices. Why does she owe you? She has her life to build, why are you asking her to take responsibility for you?" (It's important to note that this response in my head was directed toward my mom, not my friend. What hot buttons I have!)
I tried to comfort my friend, but I don't think I did any good. Apparently, like me, her daughter has been fiercely independent practically from birth. Julie gave me examples of how that made her feel over the years.
It almost seems that part of why I am so fiercely independent is so that I'm not obligated to anyone else. I'm not thrilled with this aspect of my personality. I remember having a feeling at a young age that I didn't want to depend on my parents for anything. I was 11 when I called the local newspaper to get my first job, so I could have my own money. Why was I so anxious to cut the strings? And why do I get so resentful when someone expects something from me?
posted by Aileen @ 12:18 AM
2 comments
2 Comments:
I spoke to one of my oldest friends yesterday. We haven't spoken in quite some time. He told me that his dad passed away 2 years ago, and that his mom has Alzheimer's and is rapidly declining. He had to take his mom out of her medium care facility and was about to put her in a nursing home. At the last minute, his sister, who lives 2,000 miles away and has not lived anywhere near her parents nor had a close relationship with them during her entire adult life, said she wants mom to move in with her, and wants to care for her until her final days.
I had a couple of reactions. First, that this was an unbelievably generous gesture by the daughter, who has a family of her own. Second, that it's way too late. The mom is not in a condition to have any conscious relationship with her daughter.
I think the instinct to be independent from one's parents is very strong in almost every person. The bird doesn't need instructions to fly from the nest. But I also think it's critical to develop a healthy balance between being independent from one's parents and being emotionally close and loving toward them, while they are in a position to recognize those feelings and reciprocate. How to do that? I haven't the faintest idea.
Thanks for your input, Matt. I agree- it's a delicate balance that seems very difficult to navigate. It seems like it shouldn't be so hard! The example you shared is a good example of why I'm putting so much thought and energy into this subject. I need to enjoy and love my parents while I can.
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