From Bra Burning to 'FWB'
What have we done? Or more to the point, what have our older sisters and mothers done? Don't get me wrong, I am very grateful for everything that the leaders of the women's movement did for us in past decades...I can't imagine not having equal opportunities in the world, equal pay, a voice, etc. But what about the dynamic of the man/woman relationship? Have we done any damage there?
Lord knows the sexual revolution and the introduction of the birth control pill have had a direct impact on our lives. Finally, women have been able to be at least a bit more "sexually" equal to men. But have we gone too far?
Women now live a sexual life similar to men. Of course, we are having sex before marriage...and seemingly earlier and earlier in relationships. Women (especially young women in their 20's and 30's) are in the position of portraying a more open and casual attitude towards sex.
It breaks my heart when I see how our teenaged girls are acting more and more sexual, thinking that's what they need to do to get attention. Research studies report that oral sex amongst young teenagers is at an all-time high (which kind of oral sex do you think this refers to?) Do you really think it's because these young girls are anxious to get involved in this activity? Or is it the pressure of getting the attention, the acceptance, and being considered sexual?
OK...no previous generation was "innocent" during their youth, but the pendulum seems to have swung to the extreme. I've wondered recently if women are really exploring their homosexual tendencies more or if it's just portrayed that way in the media. It's the latest, greatest way to be provocative. Like the Madonna/Brittany kiss (a little creepy on multiple levels). It appears that young women have found another way to titillate the boys- dancing suggestively with your girlfriend and kissing passionately. Do these girls really desire to have a lesbian affair? I would say a very small percentage.
We have convinced men that we like sex as much as they do (very true), need satisfaction as much as they do (also true), and in the exact same way that they do (very untrue).
We are ignoring a very important biological fact: women are wired differently than men are. We can pretend that we don't fall more in love with a man after being intimate with him, but it's simply not so. We can tell ourselves that having sex with a man outside of a serious, committed relationship has no negative impact on how he feels about us, but again- that's simply not so.
So I read the many, many blogs of the many, many 20 and 30-something women out there and I am amazed at the number of "friends with benefits" situations are mentioned. Who is benefiting? Yeah, yeah, we can say both- what's wrong with two people who care about each other having some fun? Well nothing. But it seems to me that more often than not, the woman has real feelings for the man and is hoping that this "casual situation" leads to more.
I know I'm doing a lot of generalizing here... I know there is a certain percentage of women out there that are truly able to "date and have sex like a guy". I'm proposing it's a smaller percentage than we are trying to pretend. I'm suggesting that women have been giving up some of their "value" in the man/woman dynamic.
I'm also suggesting that men made out pretty damn well as a result of the women's movement.
posted by Aileen @ 11:21 PM
6 comments
6 Comments:
I think it's sad, too, all of what you have to say - except - I don't think this is a result of the women's movement in any way. We were also the authors of the statement "What part of NO don't you understand?"
Don't blame this on feminists, please??
Reya,
Thanks for commenting!
I hear you...(although I do wish that young women would use the word NO a little more often). I'm just curious if some of the misinterpretation of sexual freedom and equality has indirectly led to the things I described. If you think it isn't a result of the women's movement at all, I'm curious if you have any thoughts on possible cause?
I could go on at great length about this, but I'll try to be brief. First I need to say that men's sexual lives are not that different than women's, though traditionally it was OK for men to brag about their conquests, not OK for women (and much of that male bragging was not even true!)
The revolution of the 60's opened up all kinds of boundaries for women, men, black people, ushering in a few decades of experimentation never before allowed. It will settle out and and settle down, in fact it already is in many families. The daughters of my sisters, and of my friends, chose not to be sexual in any way until they were good and ready which was not until they were in college - way different than when I was coming of age, when having sex asap was kind of important to all of us. At that time we wanted to get the virginity thing out of the way. We believed sex brought a loving energy into the world. We were so stoned then.
Statistics are just numbers. I don't think they add up to much of anything substantial. Probably a part of what they reflect is the willingness young people have to tell the truth.
Oral sex is nothing new, but it is new to talk about it so openly. As for "friends with benefits" this is pretty much the first time in the history of the world that women have not had to focus on getting married in order to live a good life. We have choices now that we've never had before. Maybe young women would rather wait before making a commitment to anyone, to see which way they want to shape their lives.
The stats could mean anything - people who write articles about this kind of thing love the sensational lurid interpretations far more than creating a balanced report of what's happening now.
God, I've gone on way too long! I'll stop now!!
Reya- thank you! I find your insights and perspectives enlightening (and encouraging). You bring a much more "glass half full" look on this subject than I do! :)
I don't really care at what age women become sexually active as long as they do it responsibly and they are not coerced into anything. I see a lot of women these days struggling to find someone to share their life with in any kind of a lasting relationship. I can't figure out for the life of me how I was so lucky to find someone 35 years ago with whom I'm still in love. Many of my long-time friends are either never-married or divorced.
The one thing that has definitely changed over time is women's courage to leave a failed relationship.
I still think that most women if given a choice would opt for monogamy, but not necessarily with someone of the opposite sex. And that's fine too.
I love your input Barbara. And it's encouraging to hear that you've witnessed women becoming more courageous about leaving failed relationships. That is definitely a positive thing.
Yes- you are truly blessed to have found someone 35 years ago that still makes you happy! In some ways, I think there is luck involved with that, but there's also a lot of hard work, understanding, and commitment! :)
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