Grieving a Loss

For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted a partner. A significant other.

Yes, I was the girl in the kindergarten class that was kissing the boys on the playground. As I grew older, I always wanted to have a boyfriend. My friends started getting boyfriends in junior high…compared to them, I was a late bloomer and didn’t have a boyfriend until high school. And it was usually short-lived.

I didn’t go to either of my proms because I didn’t have a date. I would “date” older boys, boys from other schools, and it was never very serious. I made bad choices and was usually treated pretty poorly.

From a very young age, I thought of myself as the “girl that boys don’t like”. Even if that wasn’t true, it was my reality. And it became part of my identity.

Finding a partner has ALWAYS been my #1 priority in life.

Meanwhile, the rest of my life happened. Almost everything else came easily. Friends, career, financial success, adventure, etc. etc. But no matter what was going on in my life, no matter how exciting and fabulous it was, it always felt like it was something that was happening “while I was waiting”. Waiting for what I really wanted.

I spent the bulk of my 20’s (7 years) in a relationship. He wanted to marry me. I grew bored with him and fell out of love. He is now happily married with a family.

I was swept off my feet in my late 20’s, and that relationship ended tragically. Losing a loved one in that way can really mess up how you handle love. Had he lived, our relationship still would have ended badly, but I know it would have taken a very long time to get to that point.

I became engaged to the very next “appropriate” man that I met in my early 30’s. We were together 3 months when he bought the ring. He left me for another woman three months later. He proposed to yet another woman a year later, using my returned engagement ring.

Two of my brothers got married around that time. I remember my grandmother saying to my youngest brother (11 years younger than me) “Well I guess you’re next!” When I said “What about me?” She told me she had given up on me.

And deep, deep, down…I knew she was right. I SEE myself as the “woman who can’t find a man”. Part of my friggin’ identity is that I’m the one who is always looking for a man.

I know how this all sounds. I know it sounds like I’m one of those desperate females whose self-worth is measured by men, and maybe that is true. Generally, I would say I’m a confident women with healthy self-esteem. I’m not sure why I can’t be all those things and STILL prefer to have a man in my life? I’m a pretty smart cookie, and I give phenomenal advice to others who are struggling. I’m even pretty damn good at relationship advice. But pretty hopeless when it comes to my own issues with love.

I’ve heard all the clichés:

“it happens when you least expect it”
“you have to put yourself out there”
“you keep picking the wrong men”
Blah. Blah. Blah.

I have put myself “out there” in every way you can imagine. New social circles, personal ads, video dating services, online dating, speed dating, pursuing interests in the hopes of meeting someone “naturally”, through friends, etc. etc. etc.

I have also tried the “stop looking” method. I have gone on man-free sabbaticals that lasted many months.

And I've changed up the "type of man" I've chosen. Multiple times.

When I was in my late 30’s I fell in love with a man who was emotionally unavailable. He made it clear, over and over again, that he was unable or unwilling to give me what I wanted. He said he “never felt compelled to take our relationship to the next level.” I spent FOUR years emotionally attached to this man.

Last year, I met a man who wanted to love me. Who wanted to be my partner and give me everything I’ve always wanted. All I could see were the things I thought were “wrong” with him. Our relationship did not look like what I “thought” it should be. I pushed and pushed until he finally went away. And the moment he did, I knew I had made a huge mistake.

When this particular relationship ended, a close friend of many years said to me “I don’t think you really do want to find a partner. Everything you do says you don’t want that.” This broke my heart, because I DO, I REALLY, REALLY DO. And I don’t know how to “undo” all the things I do that sabotage things for me.

I’m 44 years old. I’ll be 45 this year. I’m tired. I’m exhausted. Nothing about dating appeals to me. Even the thought of “falling in love” holds only lukewarm interest. Because I’ve been in love, and it has never worked out. I’m in love right now and in great pain. It is SO hard not to become cynical and bitter. I do NOT want to be one of those man-hating bitter old-maid types. But I can see how easily that could happen.

I have always had friends of various ages, including women older than me. I remember when I was younger and I looked at my friends in their 40’s and 50’s who were unmarried, and I felt sorry for them. And it pisses me off that people feel sorry for me. It pisses me off that it’s true that it gets more and more difficult for a woman as we get older. The fact of the matter is, we are less attractive than we used to be. The fact of the matter is, men are visually stimulated and they are drawn to younger women. So unless I am open to dating the geriatric set, my odds are getting slimmer and slimmer.

I’m not even going to get into the baby issue… That’s a whole other chapter. And more.

I’m tired of yearning for something I don’t have. I’m tired of feeling like I’m “missing” something. I’m tired of feeling like I don’t fit in with my own family. Or the majority of society, for that matter.

So I asked myself recently “What if someone told you that you were never ever going to find that lifelong partner? That you were never going to get married?”

In other words, what if I knew for sure that my worst fear was going to come to fruition?

I guess I would have to figure out another way to be happy. I’d have to find joy somewhere. I’d have to change how I see my future, my goals, my life.

So that’s what I’m doing. I’m done. I’m done with “looking”. I’m done with “trying”. I’m done with “yearning”. I’m tired of feeling unhappy and incomplete.

I NEED to find joy and happiness in life WITHOUT a partner. Yeah, yeah, yeah….I know you’re thinking about all those clichés “You have to be happy with yourself first” “You have to love yourself before you love anyone else”.

Yep. I know all that. And I’ve done that. I’ve worked on my own happiness before. But there was always an underlying hope that it was going to lead to love. That as soon as I did _____, I would find love. Or as soon as I fixed _____, I would find love.

This time is different.

Apparently, I am one of those women who will go through life without a partner. Regardless of what some may think, I did not choose this. But this is how it is. And I can no longer handle the angst of not being where I want to be.

Trying to figure out how to be happy now is scary. And confusing. I really do feel like I’m grieving a loss. The loss of my dreams, my goals. The loss of who I always wanted to be. I am assuming that I have to get through this grief before I can really see happiness clearly. At the moment, I make my decisions about how to spend my time by using the measuring stick “does this nourish my soul today?” If it does, then I’m in.