No Urgency
I have some bad news for the over 40 single women out there. We have our work cut out for us.I think I have met / talked to / befriended / dated enough men over 40 to come to some general conclusions. (warning: cynicism ahead)
But here's the truth:
They have no real, compelling reason to settle down with any one of us.
Think about it...why does a man choose to commit to one woman?
Love?
They've had that. At least a couple times. So it would have to be over-the-top amazing to even register on the radar.
Sex?
They can get that whenever they want. Thanks to our "sexual liberation" and the fact that we participate in casual sexual relationships.
Companionship?
Maybe. But this is easily solved through serial dating or serial monogamy. They can spend intense, quality time with a woman...and then move on and do the same with the next woman. Hiking, biking, nights out, trips, dinners, movies...yada yada...You don't need one woman to do all that.
Friendship?
Men over 40 often have a very established social circle. They have guy friends they can do things with on any night of the week. They have lots of female friends that they can bond with whenever they have emotional needs to be filled.
Family?
Many of the over 40 men don't want kids. Or if they do, they aren't going to look to us to provide them. And if they have kids, they already have a family and all the obligation that goes with it.
Bottom Line...
By now they have dated dozens of fabulous, smart, beautiful, accomplished, sweet, sexy, fun, women. An intriguing VARIETY. Mostly amazing. Why would they choose one? How could they choose one? How could one woman excite, fascinate, and enthrall them enough to choose one?
OK...cynical, bitter, rant is over. It's a beautiful day out there!
posted by Aileen @ 4:49 PM
13 comments
13 Comments:
This sounds pretty grim. I hope there are some exceptions out there!
I really don't think this is true. I think men, even straight men (ha!), want a partner and companion. They may have trouble making up their minds, and they may be easily distracted, but I think it's a rare man who wants to remain single in perpetuity. (My only experience is with gay guys, obviously, but I think most people really DO have the urge to settle down.)
Here's a guy's perspective. You've partially got a point, but there's also the fact that serial monogamy is exhausting and soul-draining after a while. As you get older it just gets harder and harder to break up with someone and move on to the next person. Not exactly "soul mate" material, but then I think that's crap anyway.
I really think that if people just accepted the fact that we tend to bond for life, but also need a little adventure on the side from time to time, and stopped looking for Mr/Ms Perfect -- no such thing, ever -- we'd all be a lot happier.
I am over 40 and there are plenty of men in my age group who are single, want to settle down with someone, want to fall in love again, and may want kids.
I think, though, you may be overlooking the grimmest part of the reality of being over 40 as a woman. It has nothing to do with not wanting love, companionship, or any of the things you mention.
It's just that we are a lot more likely to want to date women in their 20's and 30's.
The reality is, apart from the childbearing thing which may be important to some men, younger women are much less likely to be cynical, jaded or damaged. And beyond that, there are just way more single women in that age group. I can't think of the last time I met a single woman within 5 years of my age, actually.
To all- this post was a rant...just as I said. I was bitching to the internet in a moment of frustration and it felt OH so good to write this. I knew full well I'd get some very "interesting" responses.
Barbara, Steve, and Justa- you are all correct. This point shows a very narrow view that I had in a very particular moment. In general, I am still optimistic that there are LOTS of exceptions to what I say here...
Anon- There are pros AND cons to dating someone 10-20+ years younger. Chances are a 48 year old man who would be happy with a 25 year old would not be happy with me (or I with him). And contrary to what you imply, I am generally not cynical or jaded...and I'm certainly not damaged.
Aileen: But the same applies to women over forty (or of any age).
Really, why should a woman commit to a man? Just because we're supposed to want commitment doesn't mean we do, or even if we do want commitment, it doesn't mean it's good for us (case in point: it took me more than $50,000 to escape from my commitment to my ex -- that' not something I'll be anxious to repeat).
Sex? We can get sex whenever we want. Good sex? Well, that's a smidge tougher, but that (orgasm at least) we can achieve without a partner.
Companionship? You don't need one man for that either. Most people (including married and committed people) don't have one companion to meet all needs, but do have plenty of people with whom to do things. Why seek all that in one person? I have a friend I go to plays with, a friend I go hiking with, and other friends depending on the activity.
Friendship? I'll ditto you on the companionsship. Making new friends in one's forties or later is tougher than in one's twenties because everyone is pretty settled down and comfy. Not just men. Everyone. And most of us, in getting comfy, have established that nice social circle.
Family? Many of us have families, or are planning them on our own. As someone with kids, I'm quite sceptical of a man my age without them -- there's nothing wrong with him, but he won't get how my life is governed and that I can't just run off at a moments notice. It's true, looking for a mate with whom to have a family is tougher in one's forties, but that's true for a guy as well -- short of a very wealthy, very successful guy. I don't know too many women in their twenties or thirties running around pleased because a guy 15-20 years their senior wants them to carry their babies. Single guys without kids in their forties may have a slightly easier time than we have, but their not the hot commodity they once were either (save a very few, again, see preceding sentence).
Bottom line: With all the choices and experiences you have, how could one guy enthrall you? Free advice, that's worth exactly what you're paying for it: don't look for someone who wants to commit. Just look for what you want.
And hey, I'm broke, post-divorce (that $50K really didn't help), but I'll buy you a drink anytime you want to vent about this. I'm not that dogmatic, really, I just want you to give yourself a break.
oh crap... it would seem that in relationships...im the man...
xoxo
Great...another reason to drink.
Sometimes, a girl (or a woman) just needs to vent. As far as cynical, bitter rants go, it wasn't bad. You're too positive to let anything drag you down for long.
Wait until tomorrow. Keep your eyes open, and remember that love is abundant.
Foilwoman- LOVE your rebuttal! And very TRUE!
Suicide Blond- Yes, I think you may be...and that is probably a GREAT thing!
Redhead- Tequila works in moments like this! (kidding actually)
Kristin- Thank you for your always positive and supportive response!
Ulysses- I know, I know, I know! But maybe you can keep reminding me? :)
You got it:
Love is abundant.
Say it out loud as you read it.
Now close your eyes and say it out loud so that you think only you can hear it...
Oh, I understand the need for a good hard rant. Well played. BUT I hope you're feeling a little sunnier now :-)
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