Little in the Middle

I have reverse body-dysmorphia. Unlike people with a poor body image, when I look in a mirror I see a body about 15-20 pounds lighter than it really is.

As disorders go, it's a pretty nifty one to have. Keeps me confident.

Unfortunately, it has also kept me from being my best.

As an adult, my body has undergone a lot of changes. As a teenager and through my twenties, I was always thin- small chest, small waist, larger hips and butt. I didn't mind my shape, but wasn't satisfied.

When I turned thirty, I made some changes. Let's just say that my pear shape became much more hourglass and voluptuous. There was a very small window of a year or two when I was absolutely thrilled with my body type.

Then the weight came on. I think it was partly due to surgery I had that affected my hormones. And partly due to the post-traumatic stress I went through in my early thirties. And the rest was due to the usual: not as much physical activity, eating out more, a metabolism slowing with age.

But even though I saw the numbers on the scale, and saw the size tags in my clothes, I didn't see it in the mirror. I was still nice and curvy. My waist was still pretty small; my stomach pretty flat. I never felt "fat", though at times I felt bigger than I'd like to be. In general, I was comfortable in my skin.

As a result, over the course of about 13 years I gained 30 pounds.

So what's the cure for reverse body-dysmorphia?

Photographs.

I've managed to almost avoid having them taken, or have avoided looking at them for many years now. And I still had enough pictures that, when taken at the right angle and in the right circumstances, looked like the woman I saw in the mirror.

Three things happened that finally snapped me out of it.

1.) My waist. Several months ago I noticed my small waist was not looking as small. Were those love handles I was getting? WTF? And that pooch under my belly button? Where the hell did that come from?

It showed me that I didn't seem to mind carrying extra weight- if my thighs and butt got fuller, and my boobs got bigger...as long as I stayed little in the middle. Seeing that change in the mirror was like seeing a stranger.

2.) My trip to Croatia. It was on this vacation that I could no longer dress to flatter my figure. The style tips and tricks that had always worked for me were no longer cutting it. How did I know? Because I couldn't find a single full body picture from this trip that I liked. And because I went out with a bunch of girls one night where we met up with a group of about two dozen Norwegian men...and not one of them gave me the time of day.

Silly that would bother me, but it did.

3.) A misunderstood comment. I rode with my Aunt to girls weekend a couple months ago. When we arrived, my grandmother and my mother were already there. I overheard my Gram say to my mom "Has she put on weight?" and my Mom saying "Shhh, mom, I don't know!"

I was in a funk for the entire day. My Gram and my Mom have never said anything like that about me or to me.

Turns out my Gram was talking about my Aunt, who is temporarily struggling with menopausal weight gain. But that didn't matter, it was still my wake up call.

So I buckled down and started a weight loss program. And so far, I've lost 18 pounds. With about 8 to go.

It's been a really weird phenomenon for me. Gradually, I've been seeing this person in the mirror that's like seeing an old friend that you haven't seen in a long time. That you sort of recognize but not completely.

I feel as if I've been shedding some sort of costume...some sort of layers that have been covering and protecting the "real me" for the past decade.

My arms. My shoulders. My knees.

Body parts that I hadn't realized had changed. It's like "Oh yeah! I remember you!"

And the change in the male attention is almost laughable. Really?? Ten pounds makes a difference? Fifteen? Twenty? No, it's not my attitude because like I said...I always thought I looked good. I am definitely receiving more attention from men than I did just a few months ago.

Weight may feel like an insignificant thing. For me, it's symbolic.

My waist is small again. Stomach flat. I'm back.