The Hole Truth

This has been a rough year for me. I am currently struggling in every aspect of my life. It has felt like I'm going through some sort of rehab. Purging the negative out of my life.

I planned for this process, it has been quite deliberate. But I was not prepared for how difficult it would be.

A big part of my purging included the removal of my most recent long-term ex. Though "recent" is a strange term to use. Our actual relationship ended very early in 2006, I think. But we remained very much in each others' lives. I actually grew to love him more after our relationship. He was one of my best friends. And we were still sexually involved, which of course added an entire confusing layer to the situation.

He moved far away at the end of 2006. Whew! I thought. Maybe now I can move on...

It didn't happen. I tried to break off contact for a couple months, but as soon as I got word he was dating someone, I resumed contact. I was relieved that he stopped dating the woman shortly thereafter.

We went on a vacation together.

He met up with me during a business trip.

I went to visit him.

He came to visit me.

He had no other significant dating relationships during the four years we knew each other. Neither did I. Even though we stated again and again that we were not in a relationship, I think we were filling that need for each other. During our brief times together, we felt like a couple. We simply fit.

He was the man on this planet that I knew loved me, cared about me. One of the people on the planet I was closest to, that knew me best. And he knew that I was crazy in love with him. He knew I wished more than anything that he and I could be together, that we could build a life together. And he told me over and over again that he could not give that to me, did not want to give that to me. For him, something was missing.

I have always been very careful about writing about him on this blog because he used to read it. He doesn't anymore.

For months, I planned how I could extract myself from this relationship. He came for a visit in April (it's important to note it was not a trip to just see me, it was also to see family and friends, he stayed with me for part of the time.) I decided that I was going to lay my heart out there for him completely one last time, even knowing I was going to get the same response I always did. I had also decided that once I did that, I would break off every bit of contact.

After his visit, I wrote a very personal blog post that probably tipped my hand a bit. It definitely made it clear that my relationship with him was causing me pain. He read it, and confronted me about it. "We really need to stop being together this way". We had had this conversation many times before, except that this time I responded "Yes, you're right, it has been my intention to cut it off now."

"This time I really mean it." He said.

"Yes, I know- so do I."

What he didn't know was that I meant that we needed to end everything- the calls, the emails...all communication. I think initially he thought we could keep this friendship. I knew I wasn't strong enough to do that. I had tried. Again and again.

It was hard. He reached out a couple times, but I knew him well enough to know that he wouldn't try for long. Once, twice, maybe. Then that was it. Silence.

This was mid-April. Technically, it wasn't a breakup. So I shouldn't have been too heartbroken. And it had been going on for years. I should be over it rather quickly, free to move on with my life.

I didn't talk about it much with my friends- they had grown tired of this particular subject long ago. And I didn't allow myself to grieve, because I was embarrassed. I should have been done with this business long ago. It had already wreaked too much havoc in my life, it's absolutely silly to let it cause any more.

I pushed forward. Jumped into dating. Spent a lot of time distracting myself. It worked- I have spent little to no time thinking about him.

But there's a hole in my heart. I miss him. I miss my best friend. There is a definite void in my life that has not been healed and has not been filled.