Whatever Works!

Is compatability overrated?

I spend a lot of time with couples. On more than one occasion, the woman makes a critical remark about another couple. (Usually a couple that isn't there). And it's usually about the dynamic of that other couple's relationship- or at least how it appears to outsiders. Things like:

"How does she put up with that?"

"They seem to be an odd match."

"She can do so much better than him."

"He can do so much better than her."

I usually butt-in with something like "Well, it seems to work for them. Whatever works, you know?"

Last week, when I was having this type of conversation with some members of my family, I started to think about some of the happiest couples I know. Most of them do not fit any kind of "conventional" model. Observe:

*My brother GS and his wife: I love him to death, but GS hates doing anything around the house. Or anything with the kids that requires work. He is a good provider and has a good job, and his wife stays at home during the day, and works three (!) part-time jobs in her spare time. She is constantly running around and basically does all the domestic work. They are madly in love, have been for years, and seem to like things just as they are.

*My best friend A and her husband: A is the primary bread-winner, her husband stays at home with the baby. She has the bulk of the financial responsibility for the family. Another thing I've always admired about this couple is the fact that they have each always managed to have their own lives- they don't do everything as a couple. And if anything, they appear to have grown closer in recent years.

*My brother JC and his wife: There's a 10 year age difference (she is older), they also have cultural differences (she is East Indian) and class differences (her father is wealthy). My brother changed his entire life to be with her, and he does not have friends outside his marriage/family (with one exception). And he's perfectly OK with that. They too, have had their share of obstacles, but I've been seeing their relationship deepen and they both seem extremely happy.

*My aunt and uncle: They are inseparable. My aunt has never held a full time job, my uncle makes all the decisions, and she is the quintessential "housewife type". They've been married for almost 50 years and yes, they seem happy.

*My parents: When I was younger, I sometimes couldn't understand why they were married. She is difficult to please, he sometimes acts like a child. And their fighting style seemed loud and dysfunctional to me. Yet, they have always had fun together...they stay very active together...they both are crazy about their family. And the last time they came to visit, they were kissing and holding hands like teenagers.

So, who are we to judge, right? If it ain't broke...