Passage. Does it ever get easier?

My grandfather passed away last night. My mother's father.

Apparently, it happened around 7:10 pm...My Dad left me a voice mail message on my cell phone around 7:20. I didn't get the call because I was on the Acela coming back from NYC. So on my cab ride home, I picked up the message-"Hi Aileen, it's Dad. Pa passed, the priest is on his way for last rites." (yeah...my family has challenges with appropriate methods of communication...as in you don't give news of death over voice mail or email, but that's another story.)

Here's the part that is baffling to me. When I heard the news, I felt nothing. It's not shock or denial- I've known for a few weeks that this moment would come. As I've thought about the fact that my grandfather was at the end of his life, I haven't really felt that much. I guess I have felt a generic form of sadness as I would for an acquaintance. Truth is, he hasn't really been a part of my life (or most of my family's life) for many years. But when it comes to family, shouldn't I feel grief when one of them passes?

So I was feeling guilty about my lack of sadness as I started calling around looking for my mom. No answer at home, no answer on the cell. I called my brother who lives near her to see what he knew. It was now around 9:30 at night. My brother told me that my mom was still at the hospital. Still sitting in the room with her dad.

That's when it hit me. The pain, the tears. In that moment I knew exactly what my mom was feeling, and it stabbed me in the heart that she was going through that. I knew she didn't want to say good-bye. This was the first time she has ever been with someone as they died. Though my experience was different, I could fully empathize with her pain. And I wouldn't wish that pain on my worst enemy, let alone my own mother.

I finally reached her this morning. It's a long, complicated story, but I can tell that this death is tapping into lots of things for my mom. You know how I've been talking lately about how my feelings and issues that have been stuffed down for so long are now bubbling up to the surface? Well, I suspect that my grandfather's death is doing some of that for my mom. But she has had a few more decades of using denial and suppression as a comfort tool than I have, so I suspect she will retreat into her old patterns. In the meantime, I hope I can help her deal with her pain.