Master Dater

You'd think I'd be an expert by now. That I would have my Ph D in dating. After all, I've been doing it for a little over 25 years now. That's right- a quarter of a century. Besides, I'm an over-achiever...I don't usually stick with something for too long unless I really master it.

Here's a quick summary: I've had one relationship that lasted over seven years, two that were approximately two years long. At least eight that lasted six months. A bunch that barely reached the three month mark.

Let's not even talk about the first dates that never turned into second dates.

I've lived with two men, and been engaged three times. I've been head over heels in love three times. Not necessarily the same three.

So I should have this down by now, right?

In reality, I think I may be no better at this now than I was at the age of sixteen. OK, that may be a slight exaggeration- I like to use hyperbole when making a point.

The biggest issue that I still struggle with is the ability to make my own choices. It's interesting to know that someone that is ridiculously independent in all other areas of her life, is unable to determine what she wants when it comes to romantic relationships.

It starts with the fact that I am rarely truly, physically attracted to someone. And when I am, it's even more unusual for it to be full-blown chemistry. So when I'm out dating, it's easy for me to say "Not for me" when I don't feel that chemistry. And it's easy for me to look at a list of traits and attributes and determine if it's what I want/need in my life.

The kicker is when there is chemistry. And why there is chemistry. Of course there has to be some physical appeal, but more than that there has to be some sort of longing. His for me. If the man truly wants me, and I am reasonably attracted to him, it quickly turns into full blown chemistry.

At that point, it's pretty much over for me. Once I feel that chemical attraction, I am unable to determine how I truly feel about that person. Or maybe it's more accurate to say, I am unable to act on those feelings. I leave it up to the man to set the pace...to lead the way...to determine what will happen in the relationship. This is a ridiculous, weak, embarrassing trait for a supposedly intelligent, secure woman.

My current situation is a good example of this. My list of things that I don't really like about him has grown since probably our second or third date. Everyone that knows me, knows I'm looking for a long-term partner. I've known for weeks that the man I'm dating isn't it. So do I end it? No. I figure "well, you never know." Why? Because there's great chemistry there. Because I figure maybe I should get used to dating someone who has kids.

If he pulls away, instead of using that as a good time to end things, I keep it going. I think "well, it's not like I dislike him. I like hanging out with him. And flirting with him. And kissing him. So let's just have a good time for now."

So do I treat it like a casual thing? No, not really. I treat it like it has future potential. And when he puts in extra effort to show interest, I splash a little cold water on it. I tell him I'm high maintenance, that I have high expectations, I am hard to please, and I cause drama in relationships when I get bored. (Most of those things aren't true, but a couple of them used to be.)

Damn- maybe I'm not any better at this than I was at 16.