The Player vs. The Serial Monogamist

Several nights ago, I spent the evening with a friend who was nursing a broken heart. Sometime during their four hour break up conversation, my friend's ex said "I guess I'm just a serial monogamist."
This statement made her angry, but she was angry about so many other things that it just sort of went unaddressed.*

This led to a conversation about the term, Serial Monogamist**.

In my recollection, this term is just a couple of years old. I think I first remember hearing it being spewed from various "dating experts" and psychologist types. At first, I think that "experts" used it as another way to say commitment-phobe.

Recently, it seems the term has evolved. I've begun to hear men refer to themselves as a Serial Monogamist. Like it's a good thing, that at best deserves a little pity. "Isn't it sad that he just likes to go from relationship to relationship?"

I'm finding this a bit perplexing. Serial Monogamist as good guy. Let's look at this...

The Player, on the other hand, is clearly painted as the bad guy. They don't usually practice monogamy and indiscriminately wander from woman to woman. How cold, how callous. Right?

What if we place the good guy and the bad guy side by side:

The Player
sleeps with a lot of women
smooth, charismatic
at least reasonably good looking
cheats
lies
tells the woman what she wants to hear
has great "game" and knows exactly how to manipulate
does whatever he can to make the woman feel great in the short term
makes no promises
doesn't stay around long

The Serial Monogamist
has had a lot of long term relationships (6 mo +)
prefers to sleep with one woman at a time
sweet, smart, funny, successful
sometimes at least reasonably good looking
never cheats
rarely lies
treats women very well, romantic and thoughtful
appears to be great boyfriend material and perhaps husband material
is vocal about his desire to find a long term mate


Now on the surface, it seems clear. Player= bad. Serial Monogamist= good. I think I beg to differ.

Most women after the age of 21 can recognize a player from 50 yards away. We know how they act. We know what they say. But even as they try their charm on us, even while we think to ourselves "What a player!", we smile. Sometimes out of flattery, but often out of amusement. So while engaging in flirtatious banter with a player, it is highly possible that the women is thinking "OK, I'll play this game." And choose to be played. No, I don't mean choose to be manipulated, lied to, cheated on. I mean choose to hang out with, have fun with, and perhaps sleep with, this particular player who thinks they are being manipulative. Knowing full well what she is getting into.

Here's the rub: Serial Monogamists are harder to spot. They appear to be great catches. They are open to having relationships. Usually they don't reveal themselves until after the woman is emotionally involved. So there is much more potential for pain and for damage at the hands of a Serial Monogamist. And the fact that they come out of it looking like a good guy is kind of like salt in the wound.

*No, my "friend" is not me :)
**Serial Monogamists can be female of course, but I can only speak from my perspective.