Uh-oh, my snob is showing!

When I was a child, the kids that didn't like me sometimes referred to me as "stuck-up". Or a "know-it-all". Among other names that aren't related to this post.

I don't think it bothered me that much. First, because I knew (and my friends knew) that I wasn't stuck up. In fact, I was just as insecure as the next kid, probably more. I was just really, really good at hiding it. And as far as the "know it all" comment, that confused me. I mean, I knew I didn't know everything- but wouldn't it be great if I did? Was that really an insult? I even went as far as saying "thank you" once to a boy when he called me that.

OK...maybe even my responses to the names that I was called make me sound like a bit of a snob.

Anyway, as an adult, there are times when I find myself feeling like, and acting like, a bit of a snob. The other night was one of those times.

Let me preface this by saying that I am generally considered outgoing. Friendly even. I can be engaging, and sometimes I can be the type of person that keeps the conversation lively and fun with a group of people. In social groups, I often become the leader. The one who makes the plans, the one that sets the tone, and gets the entertainment going.

And other times-

Not.

Sometimes in social situations I can be so uncomfortable, so awkward, so unsure of what to say, how to act, where to stand, what to do with my hands, that I just want to leave. And I can never predict when this will happen. Which means I can be invited to a certain event and not know if "fun-loving extrovert Aileen" will show up, or if "uncomfortable and awkward Aileen" will make an appearance. Add to that the fact that I generally don't drink alcohol, and the odds become even closer to 50-50.

So when Awkward Aileen shows up, what I usually try to do is search out someone that looks approachable and start talking to them. Any guides on this sort of thing usually recommend that you look for odd numbers of people and join their group. I try this- sometimes it's difficult because they are often standing in a closed circle.

This leads to problem #1 for me. I'm not a big fan of small talk. I can do it. I'm even pretty good at it (I'm a master at professional networking). I simply don't enjoy it. So it's an effort to be engaged in the exchange. To not only listen, but to care. Which is where I find my snob showing up.

The other night I was at a dinner with twenty women. All were around my age, various backgrounds, professions, family circumstances etc. And I found myself unable to connect with any of them. We were seated at one big table, and I was careful about my seat selection. I sat almost at the center of the table, so I could have the opportunity to talk with several people and maybe get to the point of actual meaningful conversation.

It turns out I ended up on the "conversation borderline". The person to the left of me was engaged in exhanges with several people to her left. The person to the right of me was leaning far forward and facing right, talking to the people to her right. (So not only couldn't I engage in that conversation without perhaps tapping her on the shoulder, but I couldn't see around her either.) So I attempted to interject a few times with the group at the left. And I made a few exchanges with the people across the table from me (it was a very wide table, which made it difficult.) The hostess was sitting across from me and noticed my struggle- to her credit she attempted to engage me in conversations several times. But her distance and the distance of the rest of her "conversation group" made it tough to sustain.

If I really wanted to bust through this obstacle, I'm sure I could have. But here's my next confession: I didn't particularly want to. Here's why:

The woman sitting directly to my right was dominating her conversation. Extremely loudly. Not funny, entertaining, engaging loud. Just obnoxious, probably had too much wine, loud. So I found myself not wanting to join her conversation.

The conversation group to my left was talking about business (a slightly dull subject, but one I enjoy.) Again, the conversation was being dominated by this seemingly interesting, attractive, woman. She was talking about starting her own business (hey! common ground!)...but she was absolutely the only one talking, and didn't really give anyone a chance to contribute. If you were to listen to her, it was like she was giving a lesson to all those around her: First I did this, then I learned this, then I was shocked when this happened...blah blah blah. I figured she was probably just a bit self-centered and so I smiled and nodded and waited for the subject to change.

So then she started talking about The Secret. She saw the DVDs. I read the book, but never got the chance to tell her. Her instruction session proceeded: it teaches you about this, and focuses on that, and this is what happened in my life when I started following it....blah blah blah.

By the end of the evening, I didn't feel so great about myself. I am at a point in my life where I am looking for meaningful connections. Which means seizing opportunities. I had pretty much written off these people and did not have the energy, or desire to connect with them. I wasn't sure if I was shy, socially awkward, or simply being a snob. None of those options is very appealing. And yet, when I think back to the evening, I'm not sure what I would have or could have done differently.

So I'm curious- am I the only one that faces this dilemma? What do other people do to engage themselves at events like this?