A Former Performer

I sometimes use the phrase "former actress" when I'm listing ways to describe myself.

A former performer.

I think that's an oxymoron.

Once a performer, always a performer. Yes, some performers think of themselves as artists. I never really did. Even when I was knee deep in studying the craft of acting (and trust me, it becomes very serious when you are studying it), and mastering the use of my voice, and getting in touch with my dancing and movement ability...I still knew that it was a form of expression for me- and I got the biggest kick out of just the performing aspect of it. The audience.

My first taste of performing was my first dance recital when I was four. My parents knew I was a bit of a "ham" when I went back onstage for an encore, by myself, even though the dance was over.

When I got a little older, I started singing for audiences. I remember my first solo was singing "Proud Mary", and I thought that was cool because it was my Dad's favorite song.

I didn't discover acting until high school. And it wasn't until my junior year of college that I was brave enough to change my major to "Theatre". I actually have a Bachelor of Science degree in Acting. Go figure.

Yes, I did the struggling actress thing for awhile, and there are probably some good stories there, but not for today. Today I want to talk about the dormant performer. The performer in me has been pretty dormant for at least the last decade or so. Yeah, there were times when it snuck out a bit here and there- I've managed to make a reputation for myself as a trainer, people seem to comment on my stage presence (though they usually don't know it's called that).
But in general, I've had no desire to sing, dance, or act in front of anyone.

But being a performer is part of my identity, and it's always been a part of me, whether it's active or dormant. Lately, over the last couple years, I've started to get a bit of the "bug" again. The only way I can describe it is that it is similar to lust. You know how you feel when you are feeling a bit randy and you see someone you are incredibly attracted to? That's how I've been feeling when I see a really good performance. It happens when I watch the silly yet fun show "So You Think You can Dance", it happened last week when I watched and listened to Cyndi Lauper sing.

Maybe it's called performance envy. Or performance lust.

Whatever it is, I gotta get me some of that.