I can't even think about it

Yesterday, when I arrived home, I saw a huge banner draped over the entrance to my neighborhood:

"Welcome Home Commander Schneider"

I began to imagine the circumstances behind that banner. Who hung it? His wife? His kids? His parents? How long has he been gone? What was his experience like? Is he OK? Was he wounded? How were his loved ones able to cope while he was gone? How intensely sweet it must be for them to see him again. To hug him.

I can't quite articulate the feelings I was experiencing in that moment. There was a sharp pain in my heart, and a dull "punch-like" feeling in my gut.

I have been separated from loved ones a few times in my life and the emotional and physical pain can be excruciating. I can't imagine having to worry about whether I will ever see them again. To worry about whether they will survive. To worry about whether they will get hurt. I'm not sure my usual optimism would be powerful enough for an ongoing experience like that.

And I began to get angry. McCain was right the first time- in this case, it's a waste, not a sacrifice.