Breaking Up with a Friend
I've heard stories about "breaking up badly". Over the phone, via email, and now even via text message. And of course, there's the infamous "post-it note breakup" from Sex and the City.Usually when we hear these stories we think "How awful!, How cold!" It seems that the respectable thing to do would be to meet the person face to face and let them know the relationship is over. It's the right thing to do. I've been on the receiving end of a rude break up, and it's not fun. Things are left dangling. Lots of questions unanswered. And it makes it hard to heal.
But what about friendships?
I find it extremely difficult to end a friendship. Unfortunately, I have a history of not making the best choices when it comes to friends. So I've had more than my fair share of toxic friendships. And I have a bad habit of keeping them around longer than necessary. If I get to the point where I decide "I just can't have this woman in my life anymore", I usually just drift away. Disappear. Slowly but surely.
I'm faced with this decision again. A woman that has been a friend of mine for about 6 years. She hasn't really done anything wrong. She is just always filled with negativity and angst. It can be draining to be around her.
Why am I friends with her? She has a good heart and means well. She is a great sympathetic ear when I am hurting. And I have felt sorry for her. I've always suspected that she's had some horrible things happen to her, and that someone positive should be there for her. But I feel like I can't do it anymore.
My question is, what is the best way to break up with a friend that has done nothing wrong? I'm not sure that the old dating line of "it's not you, it's me" would work in this type of situation. Is it best to just drift away quietly?
posted by Aileen @ 9:10 PM
5 comments
5 Comments:
I have a very similar situation. But I actually talked to my friend about her negativity and told her how it affected me. She has started to laugh about it and has become a much happier person over the past 5 years. Do her a favor and at least tell her before you just walk out on the friendship. But I do know exactly what you are talking about.
I'd probably just drift, which wouldn't change anything. Then, again, I've only really "left" friends who made me feel bad about myself. If it's harder to be with them than alone, then I prefer to be alone.
I always think of Some Kind of Wonderful - I said I rather be with someone for the wrong reasons than alone for the right. I'd rather be right.
Works for friends as well as boyfriends.
Everything has a lifespan, even friendships. It's always hard at the end of the lifespan (of anything). I've had to end friendships - it's so hard! Much energy and warmth headed in your direction!
I guess it's tough having a friend like that. But maybe she is the one who needs you. Have a talk with her to see whether you can change her. After all. it's a waste to lose such a long relationship.
This is one of the hardest things in life. I have left things drift. Not a bold way to end something, but it was what I was able to do at the time. I think Barbara has a great suggestion. If you are going to give up on the friendship anyway, why not mention to her what the problem is and see what happens.
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