Sex and Guilt: Maybe You Can't Take the Catholic Out of the Girl...
I'm a grown-ass woman.I have needs.
In fact, I get stressed, I have trouble sleeping, and feel tense if those needs don't get met.
So I should be able to have sex with whomever I want, whenever I want. And I should be able to date whomever I want. And choose not to have sex with them, right?
Right!
(groan!)
Years of programming are difficult to undo. I'll take a moment to share:
Case Study #1: I have a male friend that I see socially once in a awhile. We used to date years ago, it didn't work out. So we get together once in awhile for a drink or dinner, no big deal. Until one night several months ago when a drunken night out became more than just flirtatious. No sex, just some playing. Sooo...I slowed our friendship down a bit and didn't see him much for a few months.
Then last week, he asks me out to dinner. At a pretty pricey restaurant. And he offers to pick me up. I think to myself, This is not our usual pattern, this feels like a date! I strongly suspected that he was looking for sex. In fact, I know him well enough to know that was indeed his intent. But I decided to go anyway, figuring who knows? maybe I'll want sex too...
We had a nice time, he paid for dinner (breaking our split-check pattern), and we went to a movie. When I awkwardly ended the evening by not inviting him inside, I felt awful! Ick! Somehow, I felt that I did something wrong. I tried to split the check, I tried to tell him I'd meet him at the restaurant. I ignored the instinct that told me he wanted sex, then felt guilty that I did not feel like having sex with him. Somehow there was a deep feeling that "I owed him". Double Ick.
Case Study #2: A few days ago, I received a booty text from my FWB. Again, someone I once dated (last year) and it didn't work out. But our attraction is off the charts. He's hot. Every time we get together (only once a month or so) it's like a brand new thing. Sparks flying like crazy. And a weird sort of trust and intimacy. I purposely keep it a sex-only arrangement. Short get-togethers. No sleepovers. Don't see each other too frequently. It's just a couple hours a month of a really fun time. And such a stress relief! And I still experience brief moments of guilt. Am I letting myself be used? Am I compromising something? Am I doing something wrong?
I do consider myself a recovering Catholic. I guess it really is one day at a time.
posted by Aileen @ 1:46 AM
6 comments
6 Comments:
You shouldn't feel guilty about either of these relationships. But at the same time, I think you're probably looking for something else. Guilt is a tough monster to deal with.
I don't think you're doing anything wrong. You're not hurting anyone, including yourself, right? It's a tricky question.
Hmmm...Barbara and Kristin...you both touched on what the real issue is here I think. The guilt comes from wondering if my actions somehow prevent me from "getting what I really want", not whether or not the sex (or no sex) is wrong.
There are so many possibilities for feeling guilt when combined with sex. That's perfect programming from church, society, family, whatever. I am in a relationship and every once in a while (not too often but it happens) I feel guilty about having sex with my partner! So, anything we do is 'wrong'.
Just have sex responsively and enjoy it. After all can't we just show up in church on Sunday and have it all forgiven. (Boy, that came out much more bitter than I feel. LOL)
Aileen, I could have written this myself during that time between Mr. X. and Dr. R..
I had a FWB who was going through law school and running a website startup, who would call me up to bring food and my body over. There were some incredible late night over-the-bridge meetups that were eventually followed with a period of semi-self-loathing about using and being used. This lasted about three years, he graduated from law school, I found out that his "real" girlfriend was also named Kelly (somehow this was a dealbreaker, not that he had another girl, but that we would have the same name). The last time I googled him, he had the whole house-in-the-suburbs-wife-and-kids thing going.
The date-thing where the guy pays, but you don't sleep with him, I had to conquer my guilt at "using" and then I thought about how I sometimes got lonely enough to pay for someone else's dinner just for the companionship that would come with it. Sure, I would split the bill at cheaper restaurants, but if they _wanted_ to eat at an expensive restaurant, I couldn't always come up with the scratch to join. This doesn't mean that they were buying me, it just meant that they enjoyed my company enough to take me along.
My whole take on sex is that God is waaaaaay too busy with bigger things than worrying about my sex life. If it is the thing that keeps me out of heaven, then I'm not sure I want to spend time with the people who would be allowed inside. ::Laugh::
Sometimes you've just got to enjoy the moment.
aloha, Kellyann
Gary and Kellyann- I agree! I intend to continue enjoying my moments...at least until I find a more permanent solution! ;)
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