It's All About Me

One would think that taking a vacation and leaving the country would be an attempt to "get away from it all". And that is usually correct. But what I've learned is that when I travel, I'm not just going for a vacation, I'm not just interested in seeing new places and experiencing new things...I am apparently seeking some sort of inner transformation.

During this trip it was particularly obvious. I was searching for something and I'm not really sure what that was. What I do know, is that if I didn't go to Croatia, I would have fallen head first into a soul-depleting depression. As it is, I had moments of struggle while I was away.

I was surprised by the issues that hit me square in the face while traveling thousands of miles away from home. The emotional theme for this trip was "insecurity and fear".

First, I was hit with financial panic. An issue I haven't had to deal with in many years. As I've mentioned, I couldn't technically afford to take this trip- I put it on a credit card, something I never do. I had very little cash budgeted for this trip, I was counting on paying it off in the future.

During the second day of my trip, it became apparent that very few places accepted credit cards. And I had access to very little cash. I figured it out and dealt with it, but also had to put up with the anxiety of not feeling financially secure. While on vacation.

Second, the way this trip was set up, the people in our group were spread out- staying in different "villas". And it was difficult to get in touch with each other. I knew one woman on this trip ahead of time, and it turned out another woman was there from last fall's Costa Rica trip. And people seemed to quickly form groups. I was quickly transported back to high school, where I was "accepted" by many social groups, but not intimately involved in any. I found it took a lot of effort to make sure that I didn't spend too much time alone. (I am a slight extrovert- I need to be around people a good amount of time, and I need alone time for a good amount of time as well. If I don't find just the right balance, my energy and mood is directly affected.)

Third, I was more aware of my age and my appearance than I've been in a long time. The group of women I spent the most time with were about 7-10 years younger than me. They were primarily interested in meeting men while we traveled. And for the first time in my life, I felt invisible. In general, I am usually pretty confident about my sensuality, my attractiveness, etc. While I've always wished I could have been more beautiful, I was generally OK with what I've got. For some reason, this trip had me feeling old, unattractive, and fat. The pictures confirm it. It became quite clear that this was something I was going to have to deal with when I got home. I cannot let my attractiveness to men be such a measuring stick for how I'm feeling about myself.

I had an internal storm going on. Thank god I was in such a beautiful place. It was the nature, the water, and my surroundings that kept me from falling. The beauty around me was my drug. I wrote a lot in my travel journal, but I probably learned more about what was happening inside me than I learned about the country of Croatia.