A Family Resemblance
I am crazy about the men in my family. My Dad and my three brothers are Good Men. You know- the type of men we women need in our lives.They are family men. They are devoted and loyal. They are honest and caring. I've written in this blog more than once about how "at home" I feel when I'm with my brothers.
I've always known that when I eventually found a partner, it would be with someone that makes me feel as "at home" as my family does. Someone who makes me feel as special and as respected and as loved as I am by my family men.
They are smart men, though a bit immature at times. They drink beer, watch football, play x-box. They are men's men. They are funny. They are pains in the ass at times. Sarcasm and a good ribbing rein supreme with my family. As much as they love me, they are just as likely to make fun of me when I mess up.
I've hinted in a couple posts that there is a big "but" in my situation with UnEx. He reminds me of the men in my family. In all of the good ways and some of the bad.
Which is why I'm worried.
Three of the four men in my family are not very physically healthy. Actually, maybe all four of them. But for three of them, it's because of weight. They eat big. Food = love in my family. Big time. They aren't all that active anymore, though each of them are former athletes. One of my brothers has struggled and fought against weight gain on and off, but in recent years, seems to have given up a bit.
It scares the hell out of me. My father and my oldest brother talk about how they don't expect to live a long life. It pisses me off to hear them say such things. My Dad does fight against it all the time, and since he's been diagnosed with diabetes, he seems to work even harder at it. So he manages and maintains, but still probably isn't at ideal weight.
I've struggled with MY weight since my early 30's, and have been thrilled this past year after I dropped some- but live in fear that it will come back.
I have never dated anyone who physically resembled the men in my family. They are fair skinned, fair haired, light eyed, large men. I have typically dated thin, dark haired men. I think a part of me has assumed that I would find someone who has all the best traits of the men I already love, and none of the not-so-great traits.
Well, UnEx does resemble the men in my family. He makes me happy in so many ways, but I can't help this nagging fear and discomfort in the pit of my stomach. He does not seem concerned about his health or eating lifestyle, and of course gets defensive when the subject is mentioned. Of course I care about him and his best interest, but at this point in our relationship, I'm sure my concerns are much more selfish. I worry- what if he gets bigger? I'm attracted to him now, but I feel guilty when I think I'd be more attracted to him if he was thinner, and I wonder if I would stop being attracted to him in the future.
And I worry the effect it could have on me. I love food, and I've already enjoyed cooking meals for him. Am I disciplined enough to stay healthy if I have a partner that isn't focused on that?
The extra kicker is, he smokes. Which of course is a disgusting habit and one he could stop if he wanted. I've told him how I feel about it, yet I've also bummed cigarettes off of him when we are out drinking and socializing. Again, am I strong enough?
This is a new issue for me, and it's pissing me off. Just when I find someone who wants to make me happy...
posted by Aileen @ 8:51 PM
8 comments
8 Comments:
Wow--you seem to have so much self-esteem tied up with weight. Please know that being fat doesn't necessarily equal being unhealthy. People can be fat and healthy, thin and unhealthy and every other combination. (For a lot more on this, I recommend shapely prose.)
Leaving that aside, I think the real issue here is about attraction and expectations. You get to like what you like. If you honestly don't think you could love this man if he got fat(ter), then you need to do him the kindness to get out. Really. Odds are that he won't change his eating habits--and while you might want to make sure you do some active things with him--it's unfair (not to mention unrealistic) to expect them to change.
As to the smoking, it's, unfortunately sort of the same. But I think you can make a different argument there because breathing in the smoke from his cigs does affect you. (And I'm the same as you--I'd be bumming those smokes!) However, he has to do this on his own and I'm afraid you can't MAKE him quit. After you've said your piece, you're going to have to accept his actions.
So, let's assume he doesn't get thinner and may get fatter. Let's assume he never quits smoking. Do you still see a future with him?
Also, do you really think he loves you because you weigh less now than last year? Seems highly unlikely.
Excellent points, Jamy. Yes, weight is an issue for me, but so is appearance in general. I put waaaay too much stock in my level of attractiveness and there are many reasons for this...Probably part of the reason that I also worry about aging.
Yes, I know that overweight does not always mean unhealthy, but in the case of my brothers, my dad, and UnEx, I think it does.
No, I don't think his feelings for me have anything to do with my weight. I lost weight for ME, it was making me feel older, unattractive, less sure of myself. That's how it is for ME, not everyone, I'm sure.
You have given me great food for thought though...I do need to think about how I would feel if he gets bigger AND remains a smoker.
If it's about attraction, that's valid. People seldom end up with those who don't attract them (attraction isn't objective beauty but a pull on another). But it sounds like this could be fear over health - both yours and his.
It is really hard to live with someone who might encourage your bad habits. It sounds like he might encourage some of your good ones, too, but it's disconcerting to think about letting yourself love someone who doesn't treat himself with the care you want to give him, who might live a life that takes him away from you all too soon.
I can see why you'd worry about UnEx's weight from a health perspective. (And certainly the smoking for the same reason.)
But when it comes to attraction, I hope the things that make him attractive to you would still be there even if he got heavier. I can only speak from personal experience, but I really think if Dave gained 40 pounds, I'd still be attracted to him. (I'd nag him about it for health reasons, though!)
Maybe if he understands that your concern is mostly over his long-term health, it might make a difference. I could put up with love handles, but the smoking would never work for me. I've always hated the taste when kissing a smoker. It's just not something I could ever get used to.
I hope the two of you can figure this out, because it sounds like there's some very good chemistry between you.
You think too much. -alw
ALW- I just laughed out loud when I saw your comment! I KNOW! :)
YOU LOVE WHO YOU LOVE. You are who you are. What's important is to know who you are and be happy with that. I don't mean be complacent and lazy with your self cause that only leads to stagnation. I believe we should all strive to be just a little bit better today than yesterday. You cant make someone change they have to want to change. You can only love them as they are, encourage them to change (particularly if their health is involved) and accept them changed or not.
My dad tried for years to get me to quit smoking. He harped, he sent me pictures of black lungs, he cajoled, he even cried once but to no avail. It wasn't until I was ready that I made the change and its been 10 years cigarette free this December.
Always listen to your heart but don't forget to heed the head.
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